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Family dynamics and dealing with a typical teen
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<blockquote data-quote="Mattsmom277" data-source="post: 382941" data-attributes="member: 4264"><p>I think both you and husband have a point. She needs to treat you respectfully obviously, he has a good point. Yet you agree with him, perhaps he needs to remember you both have the same goals (having her be more respectful etc). I also think that by spending time one on one with her, she might be less likely to be rude and whatnot, just by feeling more bonded to you as well as validated as just as worthy of attention as her high needs sibling. That can really hurt a child. Perhaps you can ask husband to give you a period of time, say 3 months, where he backs off and lets you work on things on your own with difficult child 1? Maybe he'd be okay with that if he could have some time to really think about how hard it is being a teen at all, let alone when you may feel jealous or bitter or neglected by a high needs sibling. </p><p></p><p>What about a mom/daughter date night? I've just implemented that with my easy child. She is really a terrific kid. Even with a pretty awesome life going for her she craves and needs to feel special, perhaps more than some other girls might, but I think its completely natural. We have set a particular night (Wednesdays) to do something alone. No brother, no S/O, not visiting others etc. This week we went to see a movie together and roamed the mall even though we were just window shopping. She was able to point out ideas for Christmas gifts for herself etc. We have other ideas for nights that we aren't able to spend money (which is often). Even if we do things alone in the house, it will be here and I. Her brother and S/O know that on that night they give us our space and leave us alone. We have plans to go walking on some trails soon for our night. We will pack our cameras and go take pictures of the gorgeous fall colors etc. We can bring a thermos of hot chocolate and some snacks. </p><p></p><p>The upside perhaps for you and your daughter if you can swing this, is not only will your bond improve and she can feel she is getting time without worrying about sibling rivalry etc. But also after a steady several weeks or a month or so you can probably find a way to start nonchalantly bringing up the back talking. "It's so wonderful to have this time with just you and I. I've enjoyed every single week!! I've also noticed you've not been so disrespectful. I'm sure we can work harder but the improvement means a lot to me. What should we do next week?". This doesn't leave her room to balk at the comment, it moves on from a compliment (and some guidance for future praise) to a plan for the next fun thing with mom. </p><p></p><p>easy child is very easy child, but even still, I put no requirements through the week for our night together. It is not to be used as a tool, ie. taken away for misbehaving etc. Regardless of how rotten they may be, time with a parent can make a world of difference. I might alter a plan that cost money to something free, but I'd still focus our date night on her.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Mattsmom277, post: 382941, member: 4264"] I think both you and husband have a point. She needs to treat you respectfully obviously, he has a good point. Yet you agree with him, perhaps he needs to remember you both have the same goals (having her be more respectful etc). I also think that by spending time one on one with her, she might be less likely to be rude and whatnot, just by feeling more bonded to you as well as validated as just as worthy of attention as her high needs sibling. That can really hurt a child. Perhaps you can ask husband to give you a period of time, say 3 months, where he backs off and lets you work on things on your own with difficult child 1? Maybe he'd be okay with that if he could have some time to really think about how hard it is being a teen at all, let alone when you may feel jealous or bitter or neglected by a high needs sibling. What about a mom/daughter date night? I've just implemented that with my easy child. She is really a terrific kid. Even with a pretty awesome life going for her she craves and needs to feel special, perhaps more than some other girls might, but I think its completely natural. We have set a particular night (Wednesdays) to do something alone. No brother, no S/O, not visiting others etc. This week we went to see a movie together and roamed the mall even though we were just window shopping. She was able to point out ideas for Christmas gifts for herself etc. We have other ideas for nights that we aren't able to spend money (which is often). Even if we do things alone in the house, it will be here and I. Her brother and S/O know that on that night they give us our space and leave us alone. We have plans to go walking on some trails soon for our night. We will pack our cameras and go take pictures of the gorgeous fall colors etc. We can bring a thermos of hot chocolate and some snacks. The upside perhaps for you and your daughter if you can swing this, is not only will your bond improve and she can feel she is getting time without worrying about sibling rivalry etc. But also after a steady several weeks or a month or so you can probably find a way to start nonchalantly bringing up the back talking. "It's so wonderful to have this time with just you and I. I've enjoyed every single week!! I've also noticed you've not been so disrespectful. I'm sure we can work harder but the improvement means a lot to me. What should we do next week?". This doesn't leave her room to balk at the comment, it moves on from a compliment (and some guidance for future praise) to a plan for the next fun thing with mom. easy child is very easy child, but even still, I put no requirements through the week for our night together. It is not to be used as a tool, ie. taken away for misbehaving etc. Regardless of how rotten they may be, time with a parent can make a world of difference. I might alter a plan that cost money to something free, but I'd still focus our date night on her. [/QUOTE]
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