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Family of Origin
Family of Origin (FOO) Support Thread Part 2
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<blockquote data-quote="Scent of Cedar *" data-source="post: 662584" data-attributes="member: 17461"><p>Perhaps the way to begin this thread is to recap where we have been, and what we've learned through having one another to share with and to witness for and to be held up by.</p><p></p><p>The gist of what I have learned is that when we are intentionally hurt by another person, we teach ourselves that we are responsible for the abuser's moods as a means of establishing some predictability or some illusion of control in an essentially powerless situation. In severely abusive situations, or in situations where we see sibs abused, issues of facing our own or someone else's mortality arise. (And I think it matters, as the child tries to make sense of their horrible situation, whether the sib witnessing the abuse is an older or a younger sib. Older sibs will feel guilt. Younger sibs I think, identify with the abuser and blame and secretly (?) hate the older one. I think the oldest sib (which I am) is seen as an appropriate target for the hatred and resentment and etc that the younger sibs cannot focus onto the mother.)</p><p></p><p>I think that, but I don't know whether that is true.</p><p></p><p>This kind of twisted rationalization of why what is happening to us is happening happens to prisoners of war, too. It happened to those in concentration camps. A version of this same dynamic, in my opinion, is at the root of all the isms ~ of racism, of fanaticism of every kind, of the justification of poverty. It begins with the need to blame, to find a victim. It begins with ridicule and progresses, along a continuum, to hatred and a kind of blind belief that all those things we once suspected were not true (just as babies do not judge by race) must be true because everywhere we look, that seems to be the true thing we see.</p><p></p><p>So, the dynamic is the same in a dysfunctional family.</p><p></p><p>SWOT posted an article once in which the contention was that dysfunctional role playing in families was a matter of role flexibility versus role rigidity.</p><p></p><p>That rings true for me. </p><p></p><p>My intention is to revisit those places in me where I am not thinking about myself in healthy ways in my life, today. What I know for sure is that if we think it to ourselves, we recondemn ourselves because we cannot see ourselves differently than we were hurt into believing ourselves to be. With witnesses, we can tell the scary or shaming things and receive feedback about the abuser, and about how to see ourselves, about how to see that little girl or that little boy we were then, through our own eyes and not through the hatred in the abuser's eyes as they were abusing us.</p><p></p><p>Though we have never met, I think we can empathize with one another here because we do post elsewhere. Our natures are reflected in our posts.</p><p></p><p>So, we know and are able to trust one another, though we have never met.</p><p></p><p>That is the value in the FOO Chronicles, for me.</p><p></p><p>It is working beautifully for me. I have major trust issues. It is a real act of courage for me to allow true vulnerability in my real life. I am working on that. I have drawn strength from Brene Brown's concept of leaning in, from Joel Osteen's and Maya Angelou's contentions that we are here ~ we, each of us individually and personally ~ are here on exquisite and detailed purpose. When I got too deep to see remembered traumatic incidents through my own eyes, it was helpful to me to choose witnesses and believe they witnessed for me.</p><p></p><p>It worked.</p><p></p><p>For the most traumatic scars, it worked to do it that way.</p><p></p><p>Again, the danger in doing this is getting stuck and retraumatizing ourselves because we believe the abuser's take on our purpose and identity and value. Whatever evil thing we were caught in, those of us abused as children, it left real scars. Those broken places weaken us today in our ~ in every aspect of our lives, but especially in our ability to hold faith with ourselves and our kids when the kids are so deeply troubled.</p><p></p><p>Each of us went on to create full, triumphant lives, despite what happened in our childhoods. We may have come through it kinder than most ~ that seems to be a common thread for each of us. For me, the extended trauma and retraumatizatin and increasing vulnerability and decreasing sense of efficacy that happened over the years when my kids were just so darn in trouble no matter what I did...I don't know. Popped me into a nervous breakdown, in a way. SWOT has given us the term "emotional flashback". That is where I lived from, during the worst of it.</p><p></p><p>I am coming through it well. As things would continue to just go so wrong with my kids, I came to accept it, and to detach for their sakes and all those things we post about on the Parent Emeritus thread.</p><p></p><p>But I want to address those broken places in me, now. I want to be strong and whole. I don't want the cheapness or filthiness or obscenity of my abuser(s) to go unchallenged. I don't want to hate anyone either, though. So, I am just having a look, and realizing the abuse never stopped, and that it is a family of origin pattern and it probably never will stop.</p><p></p><p>My mother is in her eighties. If I continue not to go there and accept my role, I will not see her again before she dies. Or before I do. Or before one of my sibs does.</p><p></p><p>Cedar</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Scent of Cedar *, post: 662584, member: 17461"] Perhaps the way to begin this thread is to recap where we have been, and what we've learned through having one another to share with and to witness for and to be held up by. The gist of what I have learned is that when we are intentionally hurt by another person, we teach ourselves that we are responsible for the abuser's moods as a means of establishing some predictability or some illusion of control in an essentially powerless situation. In severely abusive situations, or in situations where we see sibs abused, issues of facing our own or someone else's mortality arise. (And I think it matters, as the child tries to make sense of their horrible situation, whether the sib witnessing the abuse is an older or a younger sib. Older sibs will feel guilt. Younger sibs I think, identify with the abuser and blame and secretly (?) hate the older one. I think the oldest sib (which I am) is seen as an appropriate target for the hatred and resentment and etc that the younger sibs cannot focus onto the mother.) I think that, but I don't know whether that is true. This kind of twisted rationalization of why what is happening to us is happening happens to prisoners of war, too. It happened to those in concentration camps. A version of this same dynamic, in my opinion, is at the root of all the isms ~ of racism, of fanaticism of every kind, of the justification of poverty. It begins with the need to blame, to find a victim. It begins with ridicule and progresses, along a continuum, to hatred and a kind of blind belief that all those things we once suspected were not true (just as babies do not judge by race) must be true because everywhere we look, that seems to be the true thing we see. So, the dynamic is the same in a dysfunctional family. SWOT posted an article once in which the contention was that dysfunctional role playing in families was a matter of role flexibility versus role rigidity. That rings true for me. My intention is to revisit those places in me where I am not thinking about myself in healthy ways in my life, today. What I know for sure is that if we think it to ourselves, we recondemn ourselves because we cannot see ourselves differently than we were hurt into believing ourselves to be. With witnesses, we can tell the scary or shaming things and receive feedback about the abuser, and about how to see ourselves, about how to see that little girl or that little boy we were then, through our own eyes and not through the hatred in the abuser's eyes as they were abusing us. Though we have never met, I think we can empathize with one another here because we do post elsewhere. Our natures are reflected in our posts. So, we know and are able to trust one another, though we have never met. That is the value in the FOO Chronicles, for me. It is working beautifully for me. I have major trust issues. It is a real act of courage for me to allow true vulnerability in my real life. I am working on that. I have drawn strength from Brene Brown's concept of leaning in, from Joel Osteen's and Maya Angelou's contentions that we are here ~ we, each of us individually and personally ~ are here on exquisite and detailed purpose. When I got too deep to see remembered traumatic incidents through my own eyes, it was helpful to me to choose witnesses and believe they witnessed for me. It worked. For the most traumatic scars, it worked to do it that way. Again, the danger in doing this is getting stuck and retraumatizing ourselves because we believe the abuser's take on our purpose and identity and value. Whatever evil thing we were caught in, those of us abused as children, it left real scars. Those broken places weaken us today in our ~ in every aspect of our lives, but especially in our ability to hold faith with ourselves and our kids when the kids are so deeply troubled. Each of us went on to create full, triumphant lives, despite what happened in our childhoods. We may have come through it kinder than most ~ that seems to be a common thread for each of us. For me, the extended trauma and retraumatizatin and increasing vulnerability and decreasing sense of efficacy that happened over the years when my kids were just so darn in trouble no matter what I did...I don't know. Popped me into a nervous breakdown, in a way. SWOT has given us the term "emotional flashback". That is where I lived from, during the worst of it. I am coming through it well. As things would continue to just go so wrong with my kids, I came to accept it, and to detach for their sakes and all those things we post about on the Parent Emeritus thread. But I want to address those broken places in me, now. I want to be strong and whole. I don't want the cheapness or filthiness or obscenity of my abuser(s) to go unchallenged. I don't want to hate anyone either, though. So, I am just having a look, and realizing the abuse never stopped, and that it is a family of origin pattern and it probably never will stop. My mother is in her eighties. If I continue not to go there and accept my role, I will not see her again before she dies. Or before I do. Or before one of my sibs does. Cedar [/QUOTE]
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