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Family of Origin
Family of Origin (FOO) Support Thread Part 2
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<blockquote data-quote="Copabanana" data-source="post: 662643" data-attributes="member: 18958"><p>I am going to say hi as a member of this FOO group and respond to a few quotes. Yes, Cedar. I do agree here. It seems though, another decision could have been made at this point, and some children might have made it.</p><p></p><p>My sister did choose when she was about 8 to identify with the aggressor, although my love for her before that had set the tone of our relationship.</p><p>This is very brilliant Cedar. I think this is true, as well. </p><p></p><p>Actually, they could focus resentment on the parent, I did. But I understand, it is more rewarding in the short run to not do so.</p><p></p><p>I was as much of a mother to my sister as was my Mother. My sister could have sustained me in that role.</p><p></p><p>By that time my step-father had arrived. He was quite sadistic and abusive, what little child in their right mind would line up behind their elder sister for that? I have compassion for her that she chose not to.</p><p></p><p>The choice she made though as a small child came to define and limit her. It is very sad.</p><p>Me too. If I may ask, how did you have the courage to trust your D H Cedar? Or did you not trust him until much later?</p><p>And now we are converting them into strengths.</p><p>Yes,to me this is the aim of this thread.</p><p>You know something odd Cedar? Before my Mother had her final illness I had seen her only twice for perhaps an hour each time in the previous 3 or 4 years. I was busy working in a far away city. It was inconvenient. I felt guilty, but nothing more. I saw my sister no more than that, either.</p><p></p><p>I did not worry about what could be, even though my Mother was then in her mid eighties. We spoke all the time on the phone. Maybe that is the difference. Because neither of us that I am aware of had the sense of estrangement. My Mother may have wanted more but she did not let her resentment disrupt what we did have.</p><p></p><p>The thing that strikes me is that I did not anticipate at all what would hit me: That my mother would die and I would have regret.</p><p></p><p>That omission we know became a train wreck.</p><p></p><p>Cedar, I do not know how you can do it. How you might initiate and sustain some sort of a relationship with your mother.</p><p></p><p>I did it. I can honestly say that my relationship with my mother which was mainly by phone in the final years was not hurtful to either of us.</p><p></p><p>We had learned and largely avoided difficult themes. One of us would err, (her), but we righted ourselves quickly.</p><p></p><p>The difference in our mothers, I think, is the nature of the win. My mother I think wanted power to take care of herself. She did not care how she hurt others to take and sustain that power. That said, she took as much power over others as she was allowed. My sister never learned how to disengage from a power relationship. I guess it is because my sister wanted power over too, and they fought each other.</p><p></p><p>I never needed or wanted power over anybody. Maybe I was less of a threat. My mother knew I would just leave the game when she started something. That was a price she did not want to pay. I had already done it many times and for many years.</p><p></p><p>So our relationship was about something other than power. We really became friends more than anything else.</p><p></p><p>I do not know if your mother could have a relationship with you with changed rules. A sort of friendship without conditions.</p><p></p><p>I just do not know if she could do it or would.</p><p></p><p>Can somebody tell me how to print out a thread?</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Copabanana, post: 662643, member: 18958"] I am going to say hi as a member of this FOO group and respond to a few quotes. Yes, Cedar. I do agree here. It seems though, another decision could have been made at this point, and some children might have made it. My sister did choose when she was about 8 to identify with the aggressor, although my love for her before that had set the tone of our relationship. This is very brilliant Cedar. I think this is true, as well. Actually, they could focus resentment on the parent, I did. But I understand, it is more rewarding in the short run to not do so. I was as much of a mother to my sister as was my Mother. My sister could have sustained me in that role. By that time my step-father had arrived. He was quite sadistic and abusive, what little child in their right mind would line up behind their elder sister for that? I have compassion for her that she chose not to. The choice she made though as a small child came to define and limit her. It is very sad. Me too. If I may ask, how did you have the courage to trust your D H Cedar? Or did you not trust him until much later? And now we are converting them into strengths. Yes,to me this is the aim of this thread. You know something odd Cedar? Before my Mother had her final illness I had seen her only twice for perhaps an hour each time in the previous 3 or 4 years. I was busy working in a far away city. It was inconvenient. I felt guilty, but nothing more. I saw my sister no more than that, either. I did not worry about what could be, even though my Mother was then in her mid eighties. We spoke all the time on the phone. Maybe that is the difference. Because neither of us that I am aware of had the sense of estrangement. My Mother may have wanted more but she did not let her resentment disrupt what we did have. The thing that strikes me is that I did not anticipate at all what would hit me: That my mother would die and I would have regret. That omission we know became a train wreck. Cedar, I do not know how you can do it. How you might initiate and sustain some sort of a relationship with your mother. I did it. I can honestly say that my relationship with my mother which was mainly by phone in the final years was not hurtful to either of us. We had learned and largely avoided difficult themes. One of us would err, (her), but we righted ourselves quickly. The difference in our mothers, I think, is the nature of the win. My mother I think wanted power to take care of herself. She did not care how she hurt others to take and sustain that power. That said, she took as much power over others as she was allowed. My sister never learned how to disengage from a power relationship. I guess it is because my sister wanted power over too, and they fought each other. I never needed or wanted power over anybody. Maybe I was less of a threat. My mother knew I would just leave the game when she started something. That was a price she did not want to pay. I had already done it many times and for many years. So our relationship was about something other than power. We really became friends more than anything else. I do not know if your mother could have a relationship with you with changed rules. A sort of friendship without conditions. I just do not know if she could do it or would. Can somebody tell me how to print out a thread? [/QUOTE]
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