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Family of Origin
Family of Origin (FOO) Support Thread Part 2
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<blockquote data-quote="Scent of Cedar *" data-source="post: 662721" data-attributes="member: 17461"><p>Regarding trust issues and repeated betrayal.</p><p></p><p>The way I have dealt with these issues in the past had to do with providing for myself. It was when I could not provide what I needed (whole, healthy, happy, productive members of society kids) that I was left bereft. In looking back on these terrible things that were happening, I see where I picked up, every time. I see where there were terrible betrayals. I survived them, though. I mean I marshaled my forces, identified the questions, and went out looking for answers.</p><p></p><p>And here is the interesting thing: I found those answers <em>except for where my Family of Origin is/was concerned or even, involved in any way.</em> I may have come through everything less broken had I turned away from my family before any of it began to go so wrong. I can remember trying to function like a normal person while I could hardly breathe. </p><p></p><p>I remember the horribly cruel things my mother said about my parenting <em>and I remember her predictions for my child.</em></p><p></p><p>I remember finding the Benedictines; the Benedictine retreat centers. The women, there. The kindness. How strengthening that was. <em>What might it have meant to me, and to all of us, had my mother and my sister managed even kindness. </em>What would it have meant, to have been able to trust that there would be loving support for all of us, my children included, as our family fell so hellishly apart? I mean, what would it have meant for my sanity, for my ability to recover, to see the brokenness and know it was right to heal it, rather than having spent those horrible years believing I was responsible and my mother's attitudes were correct? </p><p></p><p>Hate.</p><p></p><p>That was my mother's attitude. A triumphant kind of victory dance over the wreckage of the life I had devoted my own life to creating.</p><p></p><p>So, I am having a look at that too, this morning.</p><p></p><p>I don't understand why I forget these things I know about my family of origin. But when it began, I didn't know anything but that I had failed. I didn't know one thing about dysfunctional family viciousness and how it never, ever stops. I didn't know there are families out there who circle wagons and pull through it. </p><p></p><p>Would that have made a difference for us, I wonder.</p><p></p><p>I do count my blessings: D H mom; D H dad. D H family, to this day.</p><p></p><p>My own strength.</p><p></p><p>My willingness to look and name and come through it.</p><p></p><p>So, in future, I need to remember the feeling of comfort I was able to take from those Benedictine values and retreat centers and from the women, there. That is how I will know why I am finally turning away from my FOO (and why). </p><p></p><p><em>That, those things, that is what we all should have had from our mothers and sisters and brothers as we went through every dream breaking and every protection being lost and every hope being disappeared over and over when our children fell and fell.</em></p><p></p><p>Cedar</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Scent of Cedar *, post: 662721, member: 17461"] Regarding trust issues and repeated betrayal. The way I have dealt with these issues in the past had to do with providing for myself. It was when I could not provide what I needed (whole, healthy, happy, productive members of society kids) that I was left bereft. In looking back on these terrible things that were happening, I see where I picked up, every time. I see where there were terrible betrayals. I survived them, though. I mean I marshaled my forces, identified the questions, and went out looking for answers. And here is the interesting thing: I found those answers [I]except for where my Family of Origin is/was concerned or even, involved in any way.[/I] I may have come through everything less broken had I turned away from my family before any of it began to go so wrong. I can remember trying to function like a normal person while I could hardly breathe. I remember the horribly cruel things my mother said about my parenting [I]and I remember her predictions for my child.[/I] I remember finding the Benedictines; the Benedictine retreat centers. The women, there. The kindness. How strengthening that was. [I]What might it have meant to me, and to all of us, had my mother and my sister managed even kindness. [/I]What would it have meant, to have been able to trust that there would be loving support for all of us, my children included, as our family fell so hellishly apart? I mean, what would it have meant for my sanity, for my ability to recover, to see the brokenness and know it was right to heal it, rather than having spent those horrible years believing I was responsible and my mother's attitudes were correct? Hate. That was my mother's attitude. A triumphant kind of victory dance over the wreckage of the life I had devoted my own life to creating. So, I am having a look at that too, this morning. I don't understand why I forget these things I know about my family of origin. But when it began, I didn't know anything but that I had failed. I didn't know one thing about dysfunctional family viciousness and how it never, ever stops. I didn't know there are families out there who circle wagons and pull through it. Would that have made a difference for us, I wonder. I do count my blessings: D H mom; D H dad. D H family, to this day. My own strength. My willingness to look and name and come through it. So, in future, I need to remember the feeling of comfort I was able to take from those Benedictine values and retreat centers and from the women, there. That is how I will know why I am finally turning away from my FOO (and why). [I]That, those things, that is what we all should have had from our mothers and sisters and brothers as we went through every dream breaking and every protection being lost and every hope being disappeared over and over when our children fell and fell.[/I] Cedar [/QUOTE]
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Family of Origin (FOO) Support Thread Part 2
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