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Family of Origin
Family of Origin (FOO) Support Thread Part 2
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<blockquote data-quote="BusynMember" data-source="post: 662901" data-attributes="member: 1550"><p>I think this repeats itself over and over again. And, although we will never know first hand, I believe our DNA relatives, who are well aware, at least in the back of their minds, that our families were horrible, I think they go over it too. It was actually surprising to me when I saw the sheer love and emotion my brother put in to the FB love letters to our ten years deceased mother, who did treat him like royalty. I had figured her memory was fading a bit with him, like for me, but she is still in his head, renting space, making him feel important and good and him trying to unlock that door so he can again commune with the only person who had ever seen him as the most special person on earth.</p><p></p><p>We don't forget what meant something to us, both good and bad.</p><p></p><p>We are addicted to our childhoods; all of us. If they were loving and good, people reminisce with their cousins and smile. If they were ugly and we felt small at the time, we continue to fight that feeling and our family members (DNA collection) tend to have differing memories of how things were. As I read more and more "dysfunctional family" stories, and many were on a site called Experience Project, I read about my own family in many stories. Mother hated sister who hated brother who hated writer who was disowned who was hating on uncle whose siblings did not agree that uncle abused her, etc. etc. etc.</p><p></p><p>I wonder if the memories of those from bad families are not as sharp. We can hide bad memories in our subconscious. Or maybe we just perceive things differently.</p><p></p><p>I don't think so.</p><p></p><p>I think personality disordered and mean mothers deliberately treat one kid like gold and another like cow manure. It is on purpose. It is to make one kid feel bad as he sees how the royal kid is treated. Divide/conquer mentality. There is a need to hurt one of their own, a sick need, which I don't understand and never will.</p><p></p><p>It's not like my kids were perfect all the time, but never have that had the kind of treatment by me that I had by HER.</p><p></p><p>I will never understand that sort of behavior from a parent.</p><p></p><p>Then there is good old Denial, which we all know is not just a river.</p><p></p><p>Cedar, I think it is normal to fall back a little but you will come back because you have changed. It is always saddening to think of our own families as being too clear to us, because of what we see. But we also have to remember that we chose not to be one of them and eventually we move on again. And you will move on and thrive.</p><p></p><p>Seeing the truth for the first time is like experiencing a traumatic shock. It took me little baby steps to see the full enormity of what my DNA chums did to me. And I don't really care if the others were all smiley and think Mother was a sweetheart and did not abuse any of us, even myself. My own experience in that house with that woman was abusive, whether anyone believes it or not. It doesn't matter (shrug).</p><p></p><p>It just is.</p><p></p><p>For my brother, she was a Goddess that he talks to every day.</p><p></p><p>To my sister, I am really not sure as I never saw her treat my sister well. She was out of my life by that time. I just saw her ignoring my sister.</p><p></p><p>For me, she was a scary lady who made me feel like dirt and purposely hurt me for her own reasons...maybe her own self-hate...maybe to cycle her own childhood. Whatever the reason, I'm not my brother or sister. I am me. And my experience, infancy (by her words) to her death, was a series of bad memories that she wanted me to have.</p><p></p><p>"When I first held you in my arms in the hospital I felt nothing, absolutely nothing."</p><p></p><p>That says it all.</p><p></p><p>Cedar, we can move on, learn to let them go, and have great lives. I think my life is pretty wonderful.</p><p></p><p>But we can never forget. It's not possible.</p><p></p><p>We just can't let that fact interfere with our happiness and THAT we can do.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="BusynMember, post: 662901, member: 1550"] I think this repeats itself over and over again. And, although we will never know first hand, I believe our DNA relatives, who are well aware, at least in the back of their minds, that our families were horrible, I think they go over it too. It was actually surprising to me when I saw the sheer love and emotion my brother put in to the FB love letters to our ten years deceased mother, who did treat him like royalty. I had figured her memory was fading a bit with him, like for me, but she is still in his head, renting space, making him feel important and good and him trying to unlock that door so he can again commune with the only person who had ever seen him as the most special person on earth. We don't forget what meant something to us, both good and bad. We are addicted to our childhoods; all of us. If they were loving and good, people reminisce with their cousins and smile. If they were ugly and we felt small at the time, we continue to fight that feeling and our family members (DNA collection) tend to have differing memories of how things were. As I read more and more "dysfunctional family" stories, and many were on a site called Experience Project, I read about my own family in many stories. Mother hated sister who hated brother who hated writer who was disowned who was hating on uncle whose siblings did not agree that uncle abused her, etc. etc. etc. I wonder if the memories of those from bad families are not as sharp. We can hide bad memories in our subconscious. Or maybe we just perceive things differently. I don't think so. I think personality disordered and mean mothers deliberately treat one kid like gold and another like cow manure. It is on purpose. It is to make one kid feel bad as he sees how the royal kid is treated. Divide/conquer mentality. There is a need to hurt one of their own, a sick need, which I don't understand and never will. It's not like my kids were perfect all the time, but never have that had the kind of treatment by me that I had by HER. I will never understand that sort of behavior from a parent. Then there is good old Denial, which we all know is not just a river. Cedar, I think it is normal to fall back a little but you will come back because you have changed. It is always saddening to think of our own families as being too clear to us, because of what we see. But we also have to remember that we chose not to be one of them and eventually we move on again. And you will move on and thrive. Seeing the truth for the first time is like experiencing a traumatic shock. It took me little baby steps to see the full enormity of what my DNA chums did to me. And I don't really care if the others were all smiley and think Mother was a sweetheart and did not abuse any of us, even myself. My own experience in that house with that woman was abusive, whether anyone believes it or not. It doesn't matter (shrug). It just is. For my brother, she was a Goddess that he talks to every day. To my sister, I am really not sure as I never saw her treat my sister well. She was out of my life by that time. I just saw her ignoring my sister. For me, she was a scary lady who made me feel like dirt and purposely hurt me for her own reasons...maybe her own self-hate...maybe to cycle her own childhood. Whatever the reason, I'm not my brother or sister. I am me. And my experience, infancy (by her words) to her death, was a series of bad memories that she wanted me to have. "When I first held you in my arms in the hospital I felt nothing, absolutely nothing." That says it all. Cedar, we can move on, learn to let them go, and have great lives. I think my life is pretty wonderful. But we can never forget. It's not possible. We just can't let that fact interfere with our happiness and THAT we can do. [/QUOTE]
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