I am up for a few minutes but I want to try to go back to sleep. My despair is so great.
I feel that in my life I have been betrayed to the heart by every person (except M but him too--because now I do not trust him) that I have ever cared about or should have cared about me.
Not until now have I really understood the cost. Myself.
I am lost and separated from anything through which I can find myself. My Mother. My son.
I do not know who and where I am.
That people I love hurt me so, I do not know if this is cause or effect. By that I mean to say am I cast aside, because I am unable to be loved. Or is it that I am cast aside because that is just what happens to me, the person I am, if no one loves me.
The upshot is the same: I am lost. I am confused fundamentally about who I am.
For 25 years I knew who I was because my son loved me and I loved him. I am nobody anymore. Just a person who hurts.
Maybe I should go back to work because that is the only place where I carry the day with what I do or act. Maybe I can remember who I am there. Except I get hurt there too.
Because in my real life there is only betrayal, hurt and pain.
I do not know why M is so mad at me. What was my fault about this?
He is trying to be nicer but I feel like he is a snake in the grass and I do not trust him either.
I do not remember being so devastated in my whole life.
I wish I could be more upbeat. (That was a joke.)
Cedar, about my foot in Rio. We had to move from the apartment where we had been staying. My son is a much more proficient Portuguese speaker than am I.
I had been asking him to help me look for another place. He did not want to. When I had finally located one and was trying to move our stuff (by suitcases down the street a few blocks), I asked him to help me. He refused, and got mouthy. I went into his room and got angry. I wanted him to help me with a suitcase. He became more hostile and defiant. I moved closer to him than he wanted. He used a defensive Ju Jitsu or Karate move on my foot. He was about 17 and a half.
People tell me with my son that he is like he is because it is my fault. Because I did not assert myself over him and control him.
They are right to a certain extent. I am the kind of person who does not assert control. I invoke participation by request and by people wanting to do the right thing. Often in my work, especially, people want to do the right thing for me.
But I did try to get my son to do the right thing.
