Copa. Your mom may have been a borderline person. Your sister may be, too. Your father...something very wrong was happening there, something that was not your fault and had nothing to do with you. I remember your posting about your father bringing everyone to restaurants for dinner. That was the father he wanted to be, Copa. Proud, happy, showing off his beautiful family and his prosperity and power. Whatever happened to change that Copa, you were a victim of circumstance that had nothing in the world to do with who you are.
You have been betrayed, Copa.
Realizing this is a crucial part of your healing.
We are right here, Copa. Just as you and SWOT have stayed and read and upheld, so SWOT and I will do for you, now. This part is very hard, Copa. Remember the Nine Days post?
These are your nine days.
You can do this, Copa.
Be kind, behave with integrity; make no life altering decisions. You are raw and open and what you do now, and what you do next, matters very much. I came through it Copa. SWOT came through it.
You will, too.
It's such a different life from here, Copa. Everything, every single thing, looks different, from the other side of this place where you are this morning.
Hang on.
Soon now Copa, you will be more present; you will be open, undefended. You will have access to more and more of your own energy available to you as you free the frozen places. This is the energy you will use to go further, to free more of yourself.
If you are like me Copa, it could be that we throw ourselves away at the first hint of problems. In our hearts, we throw ourselves away Copa because that is what was done to us when we were little. It hurt too much. We learned to betray ourselves first.
We cast ourselves aside, Copa.
Remember all the times I have posted that D H just would not leave? Or that I could not imagine why he didn't? Because I was afraid to love myself too, Copa. And until we learn to love and hold ourselves in respect, we cannot believe it when someone else loves us, or befriends us, or holds our hands in compassion.
We tend not to allow others to comfort us, Copa.
We suffer in silence, cold and dark and eternal.
****
There was a time, oh tender elf
when you were poetry, itself
That is from John Bradshaw.
I am stuck in italics, again.
Cedar
