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Family of Origin
Family of Origin (FOO) Support Thread Part 2
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<blockquote data-quote="Scent of Cedar *" data-source="post: 662946" data-attributes="member: 17461"><p>No.</p><p></p><p>After son's behavior, all bets are off. Text numbers, appointment days and times, and that you love him.</p><p></p><p>If he asks you for something specific and you are willing and can safely accommodate him, <em>and it is not enabling, </em>do it gladly.</p><p></p><p>The only thing we don't get to do is enable. We can say I love you a million times. We can say "I wish you hadn't behaved so badly last time because now you can't come to my house and I miss you so much my heart is breaking."</p><p></p><p>We can say, "I am so angry with you for misbehaving when I was so excited to see you, to put my arms around my own son and smile and have lunch and look, just look (!) what you did, instead."</p><p></p><p>We can say anything in the world, Copa. We just don't get to enable.</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>I would add: "I will be happy to make these calls for you."</p><p></p><p>If there is no response Copa, then you have done what your son will accept or allow.</p><p></p><p>What he wants more than life itself I think, is to be what he is: a man.</p><p></p><p>He has a phone, Copa.</p><p></p><p>Text him the numbers. I would. We have to be able to look into our own eyes in the mirror.</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>Only if you express yourself re: what you hoped for during your last time together and what happened, instead <em>and receive appropriate acknowledgement that your son hears you and, whether he says his actions have to do with his mental illness or not, regrets his actions during that time that should have been a time of closeness and reunion for you both.</em></p><p></p><p>That is the betrayal there, Copa. Not what you did not accomplish for your son re: medical needs. What your son did to you, how he ripped you open and danced on your heart.</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>I'm sorry, Copa. Neither is appropriate in my opinion, given your son's response. I am bothered Copa, that you feel you will endure anything to help your son not to die. But here is a secret: I would do it, too.</p><p></p><p>I cannot not help when I see the kids in person.</p><p></p><p>So, maybe the best plan is to give him phone numbers and purchase train tickets he can pick up at the station ~ even a cab ride to the station, if that can be done via credit card.</p><p></p><p>But don't go yourself.</p><p></p><p>If you proceed as though nothing has happened, his behavior will escalate I think, Copa.</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>Or, as soon as possible before Sept 18th. Arrange for referrals from your doctors here and leave for the new city, Copa. It is only July. That is two months and half a month more.... Or, you could look at this as a test of your determination to change the dynamic of your relationship to your son.</p><p></p><p>To practice detaching and protect yourself, as Jabber suggested.</p><p></p><p>Cedar</p><p></p><p>Copa? This is very hard stuff. No one could know how to do this "right". If it were about you, your son would be living at home or in the dorm and all would be well. It is your son who prevents a successful outcome; it is your son who prefers the situation to be as it is. </p><p></p><p>I'm sorry this is happening, Copa.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Scent of Cedar *, post: 662946, member: 17461"] No. After son's behavior, all bets are off. Text numbers, appointment days and times, and that you love him. If he asks you for something specific and you are willing and can safely accommodate him, [I]and it is not enabling, [/I]do it gladly. The only thing we don't get to do is enable. We can say I love you a million times. We can say "I wish you hadn't behaved so badly last time because now you can't come to my house and I miss you so much my heart is breaking." We can say, "I am so angry with you for misbehaving when I was so excited to see you, to put my arms around my own son and smile and have lunch and look, just look (!) what you did, instead." We can say anything in the world, Copa. We just don't get to enable. I would add: "I will be happy to make these calls for you." If there is no response Copa, then you have done what your son will accept or allow. What he wants more than life itself I think, is to be what he is: a man. He has a phone, Copa. Text him the numbers. I would. We have to be able to look into our own eyes in the mirror. Only if you express yourself re: what you hoped for during your last time together and what happened, instead [I]and receive appropriate acknowledgement that your son hears you and, whether he says his actions have to do with his mental illness or not, regrets his actions during that time that should have been a time of closeness and reunion for you both.[/I] That is the betrayal there, Copa. Not what you did not accomplish for your son re: medical needs. What your son did to you, how he ripped you open and danced on your heart. I'm sorry, Copa. Neither is appropriate in my opinion, given your son's response. I am bothered Copa, that you feel you will endure anything to help your son not to die. But here is a secret: I would do it, too. I cannot not help when I see the kids in person. So, maybe the best plan is to give him phone numbers and purchase train tickets he can pick up at the station ~ even a cab ride to the station, if that can be done via credit card. But don't go yourself. If you proceed as though nothing has happened, his behavior will escalate I think, Copa. Or, as soon as possible before Sept 18th. Arrange for referrals from your doctors here and leave for the new city, Copa. It is only July. That is two months and half a month more.... Or, you could look at this as a test of your determination to change the dynamic of your relationship to your son. To practice detaching and protect yourself, as Jabber suggested. Cedar Copa? This is very hard stuff. No one could know how to do this "right". If it were about you, your son would be living at home or in the dorm and all would be well. It is your son who prevents a successful outcome; it is your son who prefers the situation to be as it is. I'm sorry this is happening, Copa. [/QUOTE]
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Family of Origin (FOO) Support Thread Part 2
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