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Family of Origin
Family of Origin (FOO) Support Thread Part 2
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<blockquote data-quote="BusynMember" data-source="post: 663061" data-attributes="member: 1550"><p>You can not see a psychiatrist once and not go back. Diagnosis is an ongoing, long process and the doctor needs to get to know the child and often I like to get second and even third opinions. It isn't like going to an Internist for a virus. On top of that, if indeed attachment disorder is part of this picture, and I'd personally be shocked if it is not at least part of it, many psychiatrists don't really know about it yet. It is starting to get more noticed. At one time, when I adopted Goneboy, it was pretty much felt that only adopted children who were older could get attachment disorder so since that is not the majority of people, it got ignored. Now it is starting to get more noticed as people divorce, leaving young kids puzzled and down a parent and wondering what happened and sometimes being passed from grandma to aunt to mom and back to dad, etc. That doesn't cause strong attachment.</p><p></p><p>Think about your son as a small boy. Be honest. Remember, cheating is bad. It distracts from the true picture. It lies. It distorts. You don't have to answer anything on this thread, but ask yourself some questions:</p><p></p><p>1/ Did I notice anything unusual about my son as a child and just disregarded it or hoped it would go away?</p><p></p><p>2/ Did my son make friends easily? Was I his main friend? You speak of pulling him out of many schools. That can lead to broken friendships. I'm not blaming you. I'm just wondering if your son knew how to socialize well with his peers. Especially starting in his tweens, he would normally prefer his own peers to time spent with you, no matter how much he loved you. If he just stayed at home, hanging around you, something was not right with him. What? I don't know f or sure. I just know it's not the typical way a child behaves.</p><p></p><p>3/Did he ever talk about his adoption and birthparents? This is important because there is no way in the world he did not think about all of this. If he did not talk about it, he bottled it inside. No adopted child loves us so much that they forget t hat th ey are different this way. My very well-adjusted and typical daughter Jumper was going through a hard time about adoption once and told me, "Adoption should be considered a special need. You're different." I think most adopted kids have strong feelings about their adoption and whether they express them or not can depend on the child's personality, fear of hurting adoptive parents, and the openness in which the topic is expressed by the parent.</p><p></p><p>4/Did YOU encourage him to go out and make friends?</p><p></p><p>Again, this is not for our benefit. This is to assess if you actually had a normally behaving little boy or if he maybe was different from the get-go. And sometimes we don't want to know so we avoid those who can diagnose, such as psychiatrists. It isn't uncommon. I always liked therapists, but they scare some. There are parents who can not accept a child who is not "normal" (whatever we perceive normal to be).</p><p></p><p>And that can cause us to miss things that we don't want to see, just like we missed that our FOOs were abusive. We thought it was us. Copa, you think your son's behavior is your fault, like you think that your mother was abusive and you didn't want to put up with it so you didn't...you think that is your fault too, that you should have stayed by her side anyway. Neither of those things are true.</p><p></p><p>Chances are, if you look back you will see that your son was not really a typical kid. I of course did not know him and don't know him now and I could be wrong, b ut w ith his history I can not imagine that he went unscathed. We can love them to death, but love doesn't cure some things, like the horrors of drugs in the system pre-birth or the lack of warmth before we came into their lives. And their subconscious does not forget.</p><p></p><p>It sounds, like so many adopted kids, your son has a variety of problems, some physical. It is a pity he has active Hepatitis B and I hurt for you and him. I knew many kids adopted from Asia and many were Hep. B. carriers, but I only met one child who had active Hep. B. Goneboy was a low grade carrier and has not had any medical issues, but I was terrified when I first found out. Devestated. The rest of us all had to take Hep. B vaccinations at a time when they did not routinely do it.</p><p></p><p>At any rate, just some food for thought. No condemnation. Just maybe you can gain some clarity and with clarity, self-blame can dissipate. You did not cause ANYONE to be the way they were. and are. You played the cards you were dealt in all aspects of life, like I did, like cedar did, like IC did, like Belle does, like Confused does, like we all do. And your only flaw is that you love so much t hat you sometimes do not see clearly, and that hurts you, not anybody else. You'd never hurt anyone else on purpose.</p><p></p><p>You are making progress. You will keep making progress. Keep telling yourself, "None of this was my fault. And I handled it very well. I'm still standing!!! HEAR ME ROAR!"</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="BusynMember, post: 663061, member: 1550"] You can not see a psychiatrist once and not go back. Diagnosis is an ongoing, long process and the doctor needs to get to know the child and often I like to get second and even third opinions. It isn't like going to an Internist for a virus. On top of that, if indeed attachment disorder is part of this picture, and I'd personally be shocked if it is not at least part of it, many psychiatrists don't really know about it yet. It is starting to get more noticed. At one time, when I adopted Goneboy, it was pretty much felt that only adopted children who were older could get attachment disorder so since that is not the majority of people, it got ignored. Now it is starting to get more noticed as people divorce, leaving young kids puzzled and down a parent and wondering what happened and sometimes being passed from grandma to aunt to mom and back to dad, etc. That doesn't cause strong attachment. Think about your son as a small boy. Be honest. Remember, cheating is bad. It distracts from the true picture. It lies. It distorts. You don't have to answer anything on this thread, but ask yourself some questions: 1/ Did I notice anything unusual about my son as a child and just disregarded it or hoped it would go away? 2/ Did my son make friends easily? Was I his main friend? You speak of pulling him out of many schools. That can lead to broken friendships. I'm not blaming you. I'm just wondering if your son knew how to socialize well with his peers. Especially starting in his tweens, he would normally prefer his own peers to time spent with you, no matter how much he loved you. If he just stayed at home, hanging around you, something was not right with him. What? I don't know f or sure. I just know it's not the typical way a child behaves. 3/Did he ever talk about his adoption and birthparents? This is important because there is no way in the world he did not think about all of this. If he did not talk about it, he bottled it inside. No adopted child loves us so much that they forget t hat th ey are different this way. My very well-adjusted and typical daughter Jumper was going through a hard time about adoption once and told me, "Adoption should be considered a special need. You're different." I think most adopted kids have strong feelings about their adoption and whether they express them or not can depend on the child's personality, fear of hurting adoptive parents, and the openness in which the topic is expressed by the parent. 4/Did YOU encourage him to go out and make friends? Again, this is not for our benefit. This is to assess if you actually had a normally behaving little boy or if he maybe was different from the get-go. And sometimes we don't want to know so we avoid those who can diagnose, such as psychiatrists. It isn't uncommon. I always liked therapists, but they scare some. There are parents who can not accept a child who is not "normal" (whatever we perceive normal to be). And that can cause us to miss things that we don't want to see, just like we missed that our FOOs were abusive. We thought it was us. Copa, you think your son's behavior is your fault, like you think that your mother was abusive and you didn't want to put up with it so you didn't...you think that is your fault too, that you should have stayed by her side anyway. Neither of those things are true. Chances are, if you look back you will see that your son was not really a typical kid. I of course did not know him and don't know him now and I could be wrong, b ut w ith his history I can not imagine that he went unscathed. We can love them to death, but love doesn't cure some things, like the horrors of drugs in the system pre-birth or the lack of warmth before we came into their lives. And their subconscious does not forget. It sounds, like so many adopted kids, your son has a variety of problems, some physical. It is a pity he has active Hepatitis B and I hurt for you and him. I knew many kids adopted from Asia and many were Hep. B. carriers, but I only met one child who had active Hep. B. Goneboy was a low grade carrier and has not had any medical issues, but I was terrified when I first found out. Devestated. The rest of us all had to take Hep. B vaccinations at a time when they did not routinely do it. At any rate, just some food for thought. No condemnation. Just maybe you can gain some clarity and with clarity, self-blame can dissipate. You did not cause ANYONE to be the way they were. and are. You played the cards you were dealt in all aspects of life, like I did, like cedar did, like IC did, like Belle does, like Confused does, like we all do. And your only flaw is that you love so much t hat you sometimes do not see clearly, and that hurts you, not anybody else. You'd never hurt anyone else on purpose. You are making progress. You will keep making progress. Keep telling yourself, "None of this was my fault. And I handled it very well. I'm still standing!!! HEAR ME ROAR!" [/QUOTE]
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