Forums
New posts
Search forums
What's new
New posts
New profile posts
Latest activity
Internet Search
Members
Current visitors
New profile posts
Search profile posts
Log in
Register
What's new
Search
Search
Search titles only
By:
New posts
Search forums
Menu
Log in
Register
Install the app
Install
Forums
General Discussions
Family of Origin
Family of Origin (FOO) Support Thread Part 2
JavaScript is disabled. For a better experience, please enable JavaScript in your browser before proceeding.
You are using an out of date browser. It may not display this or other websites correctly.
You should upgrade or use an
alternative browser
.
Reply to thread
Message
<blockquote data-quote="Copabanana" data-source="post: 663170" data-attributes="member: 18958"><p>Thank you, Cedar, for the video and song, which I so needed this morning. Her voice was so pure in that song, and like a whirling dervish on the stage. I remember when she died. Death meant so little then.</p><p></p><p>Yesterday I went to pick up my son to bring him to the laboratory for his blood work. Apparently, there is an existing order still good.</p><p></p><p>Fought with M last night. I was so fragile, needed his care and support. He lit into me about how I am doing everything wrong again. How I am as bad as I was right after my mother died. Barely functioning. Not going anywhere. Compulsively buying on the internet. Boxes arriving one after the other and filling the hall. He hates that I am on the computer more than anything and sees that as the worst problem of all.</p><p></p><p>How everything I do with my son is incorrect. That I need to take charge. That my son manipulates and lies to me, and it is my responsibility to challenge it, to be with him night and day to mold his behavior.</p><p></p><p>M is so sure that he knows most everything.</p><p></p><p>When we found the laboratory, my son had gone in and returned saying it had closed at 4pm. When we got home (I said we could stop by here to pick up some vitamins that he had left) it was before 4pm.</p><p></p><p>I asked him. How could it have been closed? The door was locked, he said. Don't you believe me? And that is my son.</p><p></p><p>There is not one thing I can do to get him to follow through with treatment. If I get him to go this time, Sept 23, for the appointment, what about the time after that?</p><p></p><p>When I tried to defend myself with M, that I was <em>trying</em> (again). Went yesterday back to the physical therapist. That I was buying the clothes to look pretty for our trip, all he could see was the glass half empty. All the things I was not doing.</p><p></p><p>He sees false start after false start.</p><p></p><p>I was waiting for him to be done with working so he could be with me here in the house. I felt that with his support, and working together we could do it together. I guess that was another mistake.</p><p></p><p>He sees this tough love as helpful. I told him, how does it help kicking somebody on the floor, so that they will get up? Are you so perfect as to think you have a right to destroy me completely because I fail?</p><p></p><p>After three quarters of an hour of criticizing me, I started getting mad, but it did not help.</p><p></p><p>How does it help to criticize me? How does being mad help? To kill me off, how does it make things better? I demanded.</p><p></p><p>I know I am failing at everything. He doesn't need to tell me. I know. I bought stocks. They are going down. I bought a small office building. It is going down. I try to do something to do something right. Nothing works. I have no core left. I do not know who I am. Anything I write here is just false hope. I have nothing at all. I do not have myself.</p><p></p><p>But my being mad made it worse. Because then I have nothing and nobody at all.</p><p></p><p>I think it started earlier in the evening when he told me that we could not come back here to this house next year, because the trip cost too much money. That we had to stay there, if we liked it, and commit to make that work.</p><p></p><p>I had never conceived of leaving my house here for ever. It may be that sometime in the future that I decide to leave it. But there is nothing in me that is in a position to leave anything. I do not have anything. How can I leave it? So it felt like M was taking away the only thing I do have. My house.</p><p></p><p>I tried to explain to him, that I was not in the mental frame of mind to lose more. That if I felt that I could not come back here, it feels like an insurmountable loss, which becomes an obstacle to leaving at all.</p><p></p><p>I told him I do not want to feel I am losing. I want to feel as if I am gaining. That when he imposes all of these rigid rules, I panic.</p><p></p><p>I do not want to give up my house. I just want other things, too.</p><p>Can we just go, and work the rest of it out?</p><p></p><p>We have to have a plan, he said. I hate him right now.</p><p></p><p>Is your life so perfect that you feel you have a right to destroy me? Do you not understand who I am and what I have done with my life, that you have a right to destroy me, now that I am down?</p><p></p><p>I have nobody. I have nothing. </p><p></p><p>There is a cure now for Hep C. I googled to see if anything came up for Hep B. There currently are drug trials in Australia for a cancer drug used in combination with another drug that I cannot remember.</p><p></p><p>My son missed 6 visits with the Hepatologist. I asked him, what interfered with those appointments.</p><p></p><p>It was not a priority then he said. I understand how important it is now.</p><p></p><p>I feel like going and yelling at M so that I get the pain outside of myself. Even for a minute, it feels like it would help.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Copabanana, post: 663170, member: 18958"] Thank you, Cedar, for the video and song, which I so needed this morning. Her voice was so pure in that song, and like a whirling dervish on the stage. I remember when she died. Death meant so little then. Yesterday I went to pick up my son to bring him to the laboratory for his blood work. Apparently, there is an existing order still good. Fought with M last night. I was so fragile, needed his care and support. He lit into me about how I am doing everything wrong again. How I am as bad as I was right after my mother died. Barely functioning. Not going anywhere. Compulsively buying on the internet. Boxes arriving one after the other and filling the hall. He hates that I am on the computer more than anything and sees that as the worst problem of all. How everything I do with my son is incorrect. That I need to take charge. That my son manipulates and lies to me, and it is my responsibility to challenge it, to be with him night and day to mold his behavior. M is so sure that he knows most everything. When we found the laboratory, my son had gone in and returned saying it had closed at 4pm. When we got home (I said we could stop by here to pick up some vitamins that he had left) it was before 4pm. I asked him. How could it have been closed? The door was locked, he said. Don't you believe me? And that is my son. There is not one thing I can do to get him to follow through with treatment. If I get him to go this time, Sept 23, for the appointment, what about the time after that? When I tried to defend myself with M, that I was [I]trying[/I] (again). Went yesterday back to the physical therapist. That I was buying the clothes to look pretty for our trip, all he could see was the glass half empty. All the things I was not doing. He sees false start after false start. I was waiting for him to be done with working so he could be with me here in the house. I felt that with his support, and working together we could do it together. I guess that was another mistake. He sees this tough love as helpful. I told him, how does it help kicking somebody on the floor, so that they will get up? Are you so perfect as to think you have a right to destroy me completely because I fail? After three quarters of an hour of criticizing me, I started getting mad, but it did not help. How does it help to criticize me? How does being mad help? To kill me off, how does it make things better? I demanded. I know I am failing at everything. He doesn't need to tell me. I know. I bought stocks. They are going down. I bought a small office building. It is going down. I try to do something to do something right. Nothing works. I have no core left. I do not know who I am. Anything I write here is just false hope. I have nothing at all. I do not have myself. But my being mad made it worse. Because then I have nothing and nobody at all. I think it started earlier in the evening when he told me that we could not come back here to this house next year, because the trip cost too much money. That we had to stay there, if we liked it, and commit to make that work. I had never conceived of leaving my house here for ever. It may be that sometime in the future that I decide to leave it. But there is nothing in me that is in a position to leave anything. I do not have anything. How can I leave it? So it felt like M was taking away the only thing I do have. My house. I tried to explain to him, that I was not in the mental frame of mind to lose more. That if I felt that I could not come back here, it feels like an insurmountable loss, which becomes an obstacle to leaving at all. I told him I do not want to feel I am losing. I want to feel as if I am gaining. That when he imposes all of these rigid rules, I panic. I do not want to give up my house. I just want other things, too. Can we just go, and work the rest of it out? We have to have a plan, he said. I hate him right now. Is your life so perfect that you feel you have a right to destroy me? Do you not understand who I am and what I have done with my life, that you have a right to destroy me, now that I am down? I have nobody. I have nothing. There is a cure now for Hep C. I googled to see if anything came up for Hep B. There currently are drug trials in Australia for a cancer drug used in combination with another drug that I cannot remember. My son missed 6 visits with the Hepatologist. I asked him, what interfered with those appointments. It was not a priority then he said. I understand how important it is now. I feel like going and yelling at M so that I get the pain outside of myself. Even for a minute, it feels like it would help. [/QUOTE]
Insert quotes…
Verification
Post reply
Forums
General Discussions
Family of Origin
Family of Origin (FOO) Support Thread Part 2
Top