I heard myself in my mind's ear saying this: Of course you know that my mother died recently....she did not love me very much.
And I started to cry.
I accept my mother could not care about me and love me the way I needed. But I do want to face that I felt unloved. Even if it is the truth, I do not want to face that.
So I will leave it at this: My Mother said she loved me. I believed her. Her love and her acts of love sometimes did not feel as such.
And with this I am filled with sadness even greater than before.
Because I loved her, and I needed and still need her love.
I asked M if he thought my Mother loved me. Why are you thinking of such foolishness, he replied. Of course she did.
M is afraid to take the southern route. He says there has been a big push to find undocumented people and they are stopping people on the highways south of Los Angeles. All we need, he said, is to die of fright en route.
Update: New Orleans has been cancelled due to fear of ICE.
New Amtrak route: Los Angeles to Chicago. Bus the rest of the way.
