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Family Reunion From Hell
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<blockquote data-quote="Copabanana" data-source="post: 661478" data-attributes="member: 18958"><p>OK Lil, we have now reached the crest of the mountain and we are descending to real life. This whole circus involving the extended family was an accident waiting to happen. Everybody got caught up in their good intentions, hopes and fears. This would hurt me too. M asked his sister if we could rent for my son a studio apartment she has next to her house. She said yes, but her husband nixed the deal. M had spoken too freely about the possibility that my son used drugs (only marijuana is confirmed, and I do not think he uses harder drugs.) The husband feared that his grandchildren be exposed to my son.</p><p></p><p>My son showed interest in one of their daughters. Everybody was horrified about this, including M. My son is gorgeously handsome, tall, highly intelligent. He can be charming. Obviously he is also impaired. M's nieces are unsophisticated, marginally attractive and somewhat simple, to my way of thinking. I was hurt.</p><p></p><p>Whatever my son's problems are he is not a drug dealer. He is not a gang member. He is not violent. Other son in laws have been such. I am hurt.</p><p></p><p>It is beside the point. Nobody is responsible for dealing with my son, except me. That M accepts responsibility is a gift. I thought about their daughter who used drugs, and their daughters who cavorted with gang members. For a minute. Because after all this was <em>their </em>daughters and this is <u>my</u> son. What a world of difference this makes in responsibility and perception.</p><p></p><p>I felt a twinge of betrayal and shame, but not much. These are the people who wanted me to give them money first for an attorney for their daughter, then to buy a commercial property for the wife's store.</p><p></p><p>I will never ever again feel guilty about saying "no."</p><p></p><p>I feel happy and loving when I am with them. But I have learned something, too.</p><p>She made a mistake. She realized it en route. She could have changed her mind. She could have pulled off the road into a McDonalds and called you, while Son happily chewed on his Cheeseburger. And right then involved you and Jabber in determining what should happen next. She did not.</p><p></p><p>Same with the sister about the ride from the motel. And the sister about the pack who left it like UPS. Each of these were choices. </p><p></p><p>None of this changes one thing: Your son is responsible for the perceptions and feelings created by his own behavior. Not anybody else.</p><p>This is the kernel of the thing. It is not your fault. It is not my fault. We have to move on from here. To find ways to tolerate all of the feelings that come up for us. Because they do not help us or our sons.</p><p></p><p>And in my case, what has happened with the Family Reunion has motivated to try to get further diagnostic evaluation for my son, if he will consent. There may be ways he can be helped, that can be tried.</p><p>That is not true. By this way of thinking I am at fault for my son. Where is the solution in this? The solution is not in judging and sentencing yourself. Do you blame Jabber? He was there too? Where will you go with this Lil? Where does it end? Does it help one bit? No.</p><p></p><p>Let us get back to what happened. He threw a fit. This was not his first fit. It will not be his last. Nothing new happened that has not happened before.</p><p></p><p>I think the next step is this: If your son consents arrange an appointment with a Neuropsychologist and with a Psychiatrist. Maybe at a University Teaching Hospital in a big city.</p><p></p><p>All of this ridiculousness with the family was a unnecessary diversion. Nothing new happened. It was just a new audience.</p><p></p><p>Now is the time to pack this up. Each of the sisters has her own problems and own family. You have really not much to do with any of them. They affect you not at all.</p><p></p><p>While Son is making an idiot of himself with the girl and her father, why not think about what will be your next step? Meanwhile I will buy the books on Radical Acceptance so that I can learn how I can survive my own child, to not be so destroyed by my own feelings. With the aim to be an effective parent in the situation I find myself. And to have as good a life as I can.</p><p></p><p>My son voluntarily put himself into a treatment facility several days ago. I am coming to understand that probably he will need some kind of support for the rest of his life. I need to beef myself up.</p><p></p><p>These will be my next steps. What will be yours?</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Copabanana, post: 661478, member: 18958"] OK Lil, we have now reached the crest of the mountain and we are descending to real life. This whole circus involving the extended family was an accident waiting to happen. Everybody got caught up in their good intentions, hopes and fears. This would hurt me too. M asked his sister if we could rent for my son a studio apartment she has next to her house. She said yes, but her husband nixed the deal. M had spoken too freely about the possibility that my son used drugs (only marijuana is confirmed, and I do not think he uses harder drugs.) The husband feared that his grandchildren be exposed to my son. My son showed interest in one of their daughters. Everybody was horrified about this, including M. My son is gorgeously handsome, tall, highly intelligent. He can be charming. Obviously he is also impaired. M's nieces are unsophisticated, marginally attractive and somewhat simple, to my way of thinking. I was hurt. Whatever my son's problems are he is not a drug dealer. He is not a gang member. He is not violent. Other son in laws have been such. I am hurt. It is beside the point. Nobody is responsible for dealing with my son, except me. That M accepts responsibility is a gift. I thought about their daughter who used drugs, and their daughters who cavorted with gang members. For a minute. Because after all this was [I]their [/I]daughters and this is [U]my[/U] son. What a world of difference this makes in responsibility and perception. I felt a twinge of betrayal and shame, but not much. These are the people who wanted me to give them money first for an attorney for their daughter, then to buy a commercial property for the wife's store. I will never ever again feel guilty about saying "no." I feel happy and loving when I am with them. But I have learned something, too. She made a mistake. She realized it en route. She could have changed her mind. She could have pulled off the road into a McDonalds and called you, while Son happily chewed on his Cheeseburger. And right then involved you and Jabber in determining what should happen next. She did not. Same with the sister about the ride from the motel. And the sister about the pack who left it like UPS. Each of these were choices. None of this changes one thing: Your son is responsible for the perceptions and feelings created by his own behavior. Not anybody else. This is the kernel of the thing. It is not your fault. It is not my fault. We have to move on from here. To find ways to tolerate all of the feelings that come up for us. Because they do not help us or our sons. And in my case, what has happened with the Family Reunion has motivated to try to get further diagnostic evaluation for my son, if he will consent. There may be ways he can be helped, that can be tried. That is not true. By this way of thinking I am at fault for my son. Where is the solution in this? The solution is not in judging and sentencing yourself. Do you blame Jabber? He was there too? Where will you go with this Lil? Where does it end? Does it help one bit? No. Let us get back to what happened. He threw a fit. This was not his first fit. It will not be his last. Nothing new happened that has not happened before. I think the next step is this: If your son consents arrange an appointment with a Neuropsychologist and with a Psychiatrist. Maybe at a University Teaching Hospital in a big city. All of this ridiculousness with the family was a unnecessary diversion. Nothing new happened. It was just a new audience. Now is the time to pack this up. Each of the sisters has her own problems and own family. You have really not much to do with any of them. They affect you not at all. While Son is making an idiot of himself with the girl and her father, why not think about what will be your next step? Meanwhile I will buy the books on Radical Acceptance so that I can learn how I can survive my own child, to not be so destroyed by my own feelings. With the aim to be an effective parent in the situation I find myself. And to have as good a life as I can. My son voluntarily put himself into a treatment facility several days ago. I am coming to understand that probably he will need some kind of support for the rest of his life. I need to beef myself up. These will be my next steps. What will be yours? [/QUOTE]
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