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Feel Guilty for kicking out 22 y/o Son
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<blockquote data-quote="recoveringenabler" data-source="post: 624934" data-attributes="member: 13542"><p>Luv, welcome. I am so sorry you are going through all of this with your son. </p><p></p><p>You may want to read the article on detachment at the bottom of my post here, it is helpful to many of us.</p><p></p><p>I believe you made the right choice. That doesn't mean you feel good about it, but it is the right choice for you and the rest of your family. </p><p></p><p>There is little if anything we can do to change the mind or the behaviors of an adult. You can't control his life or his choices. You didn't create this, he did, and he is the only one who can change it.</p><p></p><p>In my opinion, what needs to happen next is for you to find support for YOU. Many parents find solace in Families Anonymous, Al Anon and other 12 step groups. It helps us to tell our stories to other like minded folks who are dealing with similar issues. If you don't already, you might find a therapist to help you sort through your feelings, express yourself, get info on detachment, find tools to help you cope and so that you feel understood. You haven't done anything wrong. Letting go of trying to control the choices our kids make and reclaiming our own lives after our lives have been shattered by the behaviors of our adult kids usually requires a lot of support. It is a difficult path. </p><p></p><p>When our kids go off the rails, a natural tendency is for us to feel guilty, for us to make the assumption that it is likely something we did or didn't do. However, once our kids turn into adults, they are responsible for their choices and their behaviors. Guilt will keep you stuck in continuing to help him. At this point helping him is not productive, he is not changing. He won't change until HE is ready to. He sounds like a functioning alcoholic. There is nothing YOU can do to make him stop drinking, only he can make that choice. Your job is to protect yourself and find your joy and your peace. The way I know to do that is to get yourself as much support as you can. Support for YOU. You deserve to have a calm, fulfilling, comfortable life. Stay the course. Many of us here have made similar choices. Continue posting, it helps. Wishing you serenity.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="recoveringenabler, post: 624934, member: 13542"] Luv, welcome. I am so sorry you are going through all of this with your son. You may want to read the article on detachment at the bottom of my post here, it is helpful to many of us. I believe you made the right choice. That doesn't mean you feel good about it, but it is the right choice for you and the rest of your family. There is little if anything we can do to change the mind or the behaviors of an adult. You can't control his life or his choices. You didn't create this, he did, and he is the only one who can change it. In my opinion, what needs to happen next is for you to find support for YOU. Many parents find solace in Families Anonymous, Al Anon and other 12 step groups. It helps us to tell our stories to other like minded folks who are dealing with similar issues. If you don't already, you might find a therapist to help you sort through your feelings, express yourself, get info on detachment, find tools to help you cope and so that you feel understood. You haven't done anything wrong. Letting go of trying to control the choices our kids make and reclaiming our own lives after our lives have been shattered by the behaviors of our adult kids usually requires a lot of support. It is a difficult path. When our kids go off the rails, a natural tendency is for us to feel guilty, for us to make the assumption that it is likely something we did or didn't do. However, once our kids turn into adults, they are responsible for their choices and their behaviors. Guilt will keep you stuck in continuing to help him. At this point helping him is not productive, he is not changing. He won't change until HE is ready to. He sounds like a functioning alcoholic. There is nothing YOU can do to make him stop drinking, only he can make that choice. Your job is to protect yourself and find your joy and your peace. The way I know to do that is to get yourself as much support as you can. Support for YOU. You deserve to have a calm, fulfilling, comfortable life. Stay the course. Many of us here have made similar choices. Continue posting, it helps. Wishing you serenity. [/QUOTE]
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Feel Guilty for kicking out 22 y/o Son
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