I am a mother of 4 children, ages 20, 22, 24 and 26. My only son is the 22 y/o. I have been married twice, 13 years to my children's father who abandon them after our divorce 14 years ago. I remarried two laters and that marriage dissolved after10 years from his cheating/lying, but he is the only Dad my children have had. My son started drinking around 17. He goes to college full time and will be graduating next month as a Criminal Justice Major and also works. He lives at home with myself and two of my daughters. I have never had any issues with my girls, they always do the right thing and have great morals and make good choices for their lives. Through the years and the second divorce my sons drinking has gotten worse. Everytime he goes out I brace myself for what will be walking in the door. At 19 he was almost arrested for a DUI but wasn't quiet the alcohol limit so he wasn't arrested but because he was underage, he still had to go through programs, license suspended etc. I have endured him coming home drunk, crying, yelling, throwing things, falling, punching himself, running outside where I have to chase him and bring him back in. He has called me crying at times to come pick him up and sometimes he doesn't even know where he is. I am a petite 5'3 and my son is 6'0 190lb and I often have to help him walk which is very difficult. This past month has gotten worse. Friends have been bringing him home drunk where they have to hold him up and carry him in. He has been seeing an 18 y/o neighborhood girl which I knew from the beginning it would be bad news. Since seeing her things have escalated. They both have come home drunk, her parents hit her and made her go to her grandmothers for a week. Everytime her and her parents fight, the girlfriend calls my son and gets him fired up about her parents. The father has gotten in my sons face plenty of times and I fear that it will escalate to physical violence. Then my son had me pick him up a month ago and I could tell he was really drunk, he was at a 7-11 and his friends had just left him at a bar without a ride. So when I brought him home he started crying and throwing things saying his girlfriend was pregnant and she didn't want to keep it. He kept crying saying she was going to kill his baby. I felt like someone ripped my heart out. She eventually terminated the pregnancy and her mother found out and all hell broke out loose again. Which brings us to this past Wednesday night. My son went to the movies with his girlfriend. It's like he has to even get drunk/drink to do anything, even going to the movies. I have found large empty hard liquor bottles in his room so he secretly drinks before going out. He came home and I could see he was intoxicated. I told him to go to bed because he always does this and his sisters and I don't get our rest for work etc. He went in the room and then I heard his voice get really loud on the phone and then next thing I knew I heard the front door open and close. I immediately jumped up and went outside. Apparently the girlfriend's parents hit her again and she called the police on her parents. When I went out there my son was arguing with the cop and calling him a dick and saying how his girlfriend's parents hit her all the time. The cop yelled at my son to get back on our side of the street. I was pleading with my son to go in the house. I told him that is a personal family matter between her and her parents and he doesn't need to get involved. My daughters came out and tried to help me get him in the house Two more cop cars pulled up and I was terrified that my son was going to get arrested. All I could think was how he is throwing his life and future away with his drinking and this girl. He wouldn't go in and was continually shouting things at the cops. I felt like I was going to have a heart attack on the spot due to the fear as a parent I was feeling for my child. We finally got him to go into the house. But once in there he went into an insane rage. He went around punching every wall in the house and made several holes with his fist. He threw over furniture, was breaking things. I have never been so afraid in my life for the safety of my family and myself. He was someone I didn't even know. He called us all every vulgar name in the book, put all of us down. Told me he hated me the most, that I didn't know how to pick good men to be fathers to them. He then ran upstairs and I heard my daughters scream and I thought he was hurting them, I was so terrified I don't know why I said this but I said "if you lay a hand on your sisters, I will kill you." So then he said "oh yeah B word let me see you try." And he ran down the stairs charging at me and my daughters were screaming and trying to stop him. This continued on for what seemed enternity. We finally got him to go to bed. My daughters and I couldn't sleep all night and when we would doze off, we would have nightmares. The next day he kept sending us all texts telling us how sorry he was, that he was disgusted with himself and he knows he doesn't deserve our forgiveness but that he loves all of us. He then sent me a text that said "Mommy, I will never forget your face last night, I feel like a monster." None of us answered his texts. My daughters and my sister (who is going to school for drug and alcohol counseling -she is a former alcoholic) all said it is time to make him leave. They said it should have been done a long time ago but I just couldn't do it. Last night he was playing baseball with his friends and I told him he needed to come home. He said "I have plans with my friends" I said "no you can come home first." So when he came in of course I immediately started crying. I continued to tell him that he has crossed the line by how he terroized his family and we fear for our safety. He said "you all should know I would never lay a hand on you." And I said "I use to think that, but not anymore." I told him to give me the house key, to get some belongings and make arrangements with me to come get more stuff later, that he had to leave right then, no more chances. I told him he needs help, he is an alcoholic and has anger issues. He said nothing is wrong with him and he won't stop having his fun. That he works and is graduating from college next month, that he isn't doing anything wrong and he won't get help because he doesnt' need help. I told him that when he is ready to accept the fact that he does have issues then his family will be there with open arms to help him heal. But until then, I can no longer live this way, feel afraid and watch him destroy his life before it has even started. That if he wants to live that life, he can do so in the streets or wherever, but I love him too much to watch him go down this path any longer. He acted like it didn't even phase him. Like he didn't even care that I was making him leave and he even tried to shift some blame on me, but my daughters defended me reminding him of what a good mother I have been to all 4 of them and they are angry how disrespectful he is to me. I cried myself to sleep and have been depressed all day. The guilt of making him leave is eating me up alive, although everyone says it was the right thing. I am so glad I found this site. And someone had posted the "3 C's" which helped me feel a little better. "You didn't Cause it, you can't Control it, and you can't Cure it." I hope and pray my son will soon realize that he does have a problem and he needs help. He thinks because he works, is graduating from college that he is doing everything right and so what if he likes to have fun and drink. But he doesn't see what he is doing to himself and his family. His sisters love him but they don't want to be around him. I am truly heartbroken and hope for words of inspiration and shared stories from the other parents on this site. Thank you all for hearing me out.