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Feeling a bit disconnected and stuck in a time warp - A Vent
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<blockquote data-quote="Marguerite" data-source="post: 119944" data-attributes="member: 1991"><p>If you let the past hold you back, you will always be the 17 year old difficult child. But if you shake it off like shaking the dust off your feet, then you can take the credit for who you are now.</p><p></p><p>Letting them turn you back into a difficult child is letting them win, it's letting them be proved right.</p><p></p><p>Succeeding and being a better person - it's all for you, and your new family. They can take no credit. It's success in spite of them, not because.</p><p></p><p>Surely someone was in the room hearing your mother say to you over the phone, "I have nobody left in my family now"? If they heard that and STILL cannot accept that this is hurtful, then you can feel justified in walking away. Do not wish them ill - do not think about them. Move on.</p><p></p><p>I had a good relationship with my mother but she was still capable of appalling tactlessness sometimes. When I was pregnant with difficult child 3 she urged me to seriously consider a termination. "I never had that option; I wish I had," she told me.</p><p>"I'm the youngest of the 8 of us, Mum. I'm the change of life baby. Does that mean you would have terminated ME?"</p><p>She shut up, said of course she didn't mean me, then tried to change the subject.</p><p>I then cried on the shoulder (over the phone) of my eldest sister. Some time later I got a very subdued phone call from my mother, apologising for her lack of tact and saying she hadn't meant to indicate any of her children were unwanted or unloved, just that having so many kids did complicate her life.</p><p></p><p>It was only a year ago, ten years after my mother's death, that another sister was talking to me over the phone and realised I was still unaware of the family skeletons in the closet. "Go look at your birth certificate," she told me. "And your marriage certificate."</p><p>On these pieces of paper are the birthdates of me and my siblings, as well as the marriage date and birthdates of my parents. I was never sure exactly how old my mother was. And I recall how they wanted no fuss over their 50th wedding anniversary; we'd only gotten away with a celebration for their 25th by having it as a surprise.</p><p>I looked at the papers. My oldest sister was born five months after my parents married. Suddenly all the stories fell into place - no wedding dress ("because it was wartime, dear, plus my parents were too ill, we went from the registry straight to the hospital") and all the confusion over dates and ages.</p><p>So my mother's comment about termination - she had not meant me, she had meant my oldest sister. Who was the one I cried to. How must she have felt? And yet, if I let on to her that I now know, she will be even more hurt.</p><p></p><p>Even parents who love their kids, hurt them and do damage. All our lives, our parents were trying to undo the damage of their premarital sex, trying to live up to higher standards than everyone else to over-compensate. And boy, did it damage us! And my oldest sister - she has known all her life, in an era when it was just not done. No wonder her self-esteem has been rock-bottom!</p><p></p><p>I love my family, but I have had to distance myself emotionally from the hurt that they have caused, even though I know they love me too. </p><p>So if that is what I have to do to survive a family that loves me, how much more should you walk away from a family that disapproves?</p><p></p><p>You are a strong person. You have had to be. Now go out and use it!</p><p></p><p>Marg</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Marguerite, post: 119944, member: 1991"] If you let the past hold you back, you will always be the 17 year old difficult child. But if you shake it off like shaking the dust off your feet, then you can take the credit for who you are now. Letting them turn you back into a difficult child is letting them win, it's letting them be proved right. Succeeding and being a better person - it's all for you, and your new family. They can take no credit. It's success in spite of them, not because. Surely someone was in the room hearing your mother say to you over the phone, "I have nobody left in my family now"? If they heard that and STILL cannot accept that this is hurtful, then you can feel justified in walking away. Do not wish them ill - do not think about them. Move on. I had a good relationship with my mother but she was still capable of appalling tactlessness sometimes. When I was pregnant with difficult child 3 she urged me to seriously consider a termination. "I never had that option; I wish I had," she told me. "I'm the youngest of the 8 of us, Mum. I'm the change of life baby. Does that mean you would have terminated ME?" She shut up, said of course she didn't mean me, then tried to change the subject. I then cried on the shoulder (over the phone) of my eldest sister. Some time later I got a very subdued phone call from my mother, apologising for her lack of tact and saying she hadn't meant to indicate any of her children were unwanted or unloved, just that having so many kids did complicate her life. It was only a year ago, ten years after my mother's death, that another sister was talking to me over the phone and realised I was still unaware of the family skeletons in the closet. "Go look at your birth certificate," she told me. "And your marriage certificate." On these pieces of paper are the birthdates of me and my siblings, as well as the marriage date and birthdates of my parents. I was never sure exactly how old my mother was. And I recall how they wanted no fuss over their 50th wedding anniversary; we'd only gotten away with a celebration for their 25th by having it as a surprise. I looked at the papers. My oldest sister was born five months after my parents married. Suddenly all the stories fell into place - no wedding dress ("because it was wartime, dear, plus my parents were too ill, we went from the registry straight to the hospital") and all the confusion over dates and ages. So my mother's comment about termination - she had not meant me, she had meant my oldest sister. Who was the one I cried to. How must she have felt? And yet, if I let on to her that I now know, she will be even more hurt. Even parents who love their kids, hurt them and do damage. All our lives, our parents were trying to undo the damage of their premarital sex, trying to live up to higher standards than everyone else to over-compensate. And boy, did it damage us! And my oldest sister - she has known all her life, in an era when it was just not done. No wonder her self-esteem has been rock-bottom! I love my family, but I have had to distance myself emotionally from the hurt that they have caused, even though I know they love me too. So if that is what I have to do to survive a family that loves me, how much more should you walk away from a family that disapproves? You are a strong person. You have had to be. Now go out and use it! Marg [/QUOTE]
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