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Feeling Anxiety over Children
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<blockquote data-quote="Childofmine" data-source="post: 697125" data-attributes="member: 17542"><p>Hi, JH...</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>I used to spend literally hours thinking about (obsessing) on what they could do, and then what I would do, and then what they might do...and then what I would do...on and on and on. I was living in an alternate reality...because literally NONE of what I spent hours and time and valuable energy on ever happened. Ever. </p><p></p><p>It was literally time completely wasted. Time and energy I could have done something productive with.</p><p></p><p>Maybe---you and I have to go through this...in order to get to the other side of it all. </p><p></p><p>Like Tanya said above, I learned over a long period of time to just stop talking. Just to stop offering all of my so-called valuable solutions and advice and ideas. I came to see...over time...that my best ideas for another person's life were actually quite ridiculous. My Difficult Child would look at me like I was nuts...or ignore me...not respond...get mad....walk away...but still I kept on talking. </p><p></p><p>I just thought this: Maybe I can find the right combination of words to break through to him.</p><p></p><p>It. Never. Happened. </p><p></p><p>Today, I see all of those great ideas I had as arrogant and presumptive. How could I possibly know what is best for another person's life? Even if that person is my own precious son. </p><p></p><p>I came to see that I needed to turn all of that energy onto my own life. To deal with my own stuff. As hard as that is...to let go of him and all other people, places and things...and to take care of my own business. </p><p></p><p>They said that in AlAnon: Mind Your Own Business. And at first that really insulted me and made me mad. Well, wasn't MY SON my business? After all, I AM his mother. Well, actually, no...his life isn't my business. It's his business. My life is my business. After a lot of stubborn push-back from me, I finally began to see the truth in that. I had to admit I was wrong...and I had to work to change myself. Al-Anon helped me...over months and years...do that. My sponsor helped me. The workbooks helped me. Writing and talking about it all helped me. It was real work.</p><p></p><p>Hang in there JH. Find another Al-Anon Group or a Nar-Anon Group. You can't believe the change that is possible in you if you can find a good place for yourself in one of these groups and then...just keep on going and going and going. and working to open your mind and hear what is offered there. </p><p></p><p>I was the slowest learner in the world! I resisted a lot of it at first...so there is hope for everybody! : )</p><p></p><p>Warm hugs this morning.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Childofmine, post: 697125, member: 17542"] Hi, JH... I used to spend literally hours thinking about (obsessing) on what they could do, and then what I would do, and then what they might do...and then what I would do...on and on and on. I was living in an alternate reality...because literally NONE of what I spent hours and time and valuable energy on ever happened. Ever. It was literally time completely wasted. Time and energy I could have done something productive with. Maybe---you and I have to go through this...in order to get to the other side of it all. Like Tanya said above, I learned over a long period of time to just stop talking. Just to stop offering all of my so-called valuable solutions and advice and ideas. I came to see...over time...that my best ideas for another person's life were actually quite ridiculous. My Difficult Child would look at me like I was nuts...or ignore me...not respond...get mad....walk away...but still I kept on talking. I just thought this: Maybe I can find the right combination of words to break through to him. It. Never. Happened. Today, I see all of those great ideas I had as arrogant and presumptive. How could I possibly know what is best for another person's life? Even if that person is my own precious son. I came to see that I needed to turn all of that energy onto my own life. To deal with my own stuff. As hard as that is...to let go of him and all other people, places and things...and to take care of my own business. They said that in AlAnon: Mind Your Own Business. And at first that really insulted me and made me mad. Well, wasn't MY SON my business? After all, I AM his mother. Well, actually, no...his life isn't my business. It's his business. My life is my business. After a lot of stubborn push-back from me, I finally began to see the truth in that. I had to admit I was wrong...and I had to work to change myself. Al-Anon helped me...over months and years...do that. My sponsor helped me. The workbooks helped me. Writing and talking about it all helped me. It was real work. Hang in there JH. Find another Al-Anon Group or a Nar-Anon Group. You can't believe the change that is possible in you if you can find a good place for yourself in one of these groups and then...just keep on going and going and going. and working to open your mind and hear what is offered there. I was the slowest learner in the world! I resisted a lot of it at first...so there is hope for everybody! : ) Warm hugs this morning. [/QUOTE]
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