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<blockquote data-quote="Marguerite" data-source="post: 512855" data-attributes="member: 1991"><p>Maybe between the two of us, we can sort out each other's problems.</p><p></p><p>difficult child 3 no longer hits me as a rule, but he does at times get very abusive and just yesterday was slamming his fist hard into my car seat. </p><p></p><p>How I handle it - anyone looking on tends to disapprove because they feel I should be very strict, very firm with this. But I know what does not work. However, I draw the line at physical attack and also will take a stand against verbal abuse. Calmly. It takes a huge effort sometimes.</p><p></p><p>Yesterday I nearly stopped the car mid-traffic. I had stopped the car the day before, in the middle of the bush, and threatened to make him walk home (it would have taken him hours, we were miles from anywhere). I often say (like a broken record), "I am not shouting at you; please do not shout at me."</p><p>I've also said (last couple of days especially), "You are now old enough to be charged as an adult, with assault and threatening behaviour. If you do this to me, you are also risking doing it to someone who is far less tolerant. Verbal abuse is not acceptable. Slamming your fist into my seat; slamming the car door; hitting other things nearby - it all qualifies as threatening behaviour and that is against the law. You must learn self-control."</p><p></p><p>That said - the trigger is anxiety in difficult child 3's case. He is behind in his schoolwork but it is my job to keep pushing him to get his work done. However, when I remind him, however gently, I am part of the problem in ramping up his anxiety. Avoidance rewards him by reducing his anxiety, but here am I, stopping him from using avoidance to reduce his anxiety about the work he has to do. So I become the enemy.</p><p></p><p>All I've been able to do, is refuse to accept what he says. When difficult child 3 has said, "You never have anything good to say about me! You do not support me!" I call him on it. If necessary I write diary entries of when I have praised him, when I have encouraged him (unconditionally) and when I have rewarded him. Sometimes it takes a diary entry to prove your point. If necessary, get the child to make the diary entry.</p><p></p><p>Buddy, you need to keep your energy up but you also need to avoid being a doormat. It's a fine line, because onlookers will interpret your quiet responses as being a doormat. But calmly saying, "Thata is unacceptable. If you are upset, there are more appropriate ways of expressing it. Why don't you sit calmly, think about your concerns then try to tell me exactly what is bothering you?"</p><p></p><p>If nothing else, kids who are cranky and trying to push buttons just to make our mood match theirs, need to be alerted to what they are doing so they can become more self-aware. Our kids can become more self-aware, with help, than the average person, simply because we are aware ourselves (where we can think about what their triggers are) and help them.</p><p></p><p>Example - yesterday difficult child 3 was stressing at the doctor's because he needed to concentrate, and a kid (6 yo boy) was revving a toy car back and forth, over and over. difficult child 3 began to get more stressed, holding his head. The little boy's mother tried to make her son stop, but I recognised the signs of stimming, even before she said apologetically, "He's autistic."</p><p>I replied, "So is he," pointing to difficult child 3. "He does understand."</p><p>difficult child 3 then said, "Don't make him stop. It's okay. I understand he needs to do this. I'll be alright."</p><p>difficult child 3 was suffering, but understood the need for compromise and adapted. I praised him for it.</p><p></p><p>Of course, the outburst was later... these things happen!</p><p></p><p>Marg</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Marguerite, post: 512855, member: 1991"] Maybe between the two of us, we can sort out each other's problems. difficult child 3 no longer hits me as a rule, but he does at times get very abusive and just yesterday was slamming his fist hard into my car seat. How I handle it - anyone looking on tends to disapprove because they feel I should be very strict, very firm with this. But I know what does not work. However, I draw the line at physical attack and also will take a stand against verbal abuse. Calmly. It takes a huge effort sometimes. Yesterday I nearly stopped the car mid-traffic. I had stopped the car the day before, in the middle of the bush, and threatened to make him walk home (it would have taken him hours, we were miles from anywhere). I often say (like a broken record), "I am not shouting at you; please do not shout at me." I've also said (last couple of days especially), "You are now old enough to be charged as an adult, with assault and threatening behaviour. If you do this to me, you are also risking doing it to someone who is far less tolerant. Verbal abuse is not acceptable. Slamming your fist into my seat; slamming the car door; hitting other things nearby - it all qualifies as threatening behaviour and that is against the law. You must learn self-control." That said - the trigger is anxiety in difficult child 3's case. He is behind in his schoolwork but it is my job to keep pushing him to get his work done. However, when I remind him, however gently, I am part of the problem in ramping up his anxiety. Avoidance rewards him by reducing his anxiety, but here am I, stopping him from using avoidance to reduce his anxiety about the work he has to do. So I become the enemy. All I've been able to do, is refuse to accept what he says. When difficult child 3 has said, "You never have anything good to say about me! You do not support me!" I call him on it. If necessary I write diary entries of when I have praised him, when I have encouraged him (unconditionally) and when I have rewarded him. Sometimes it takes a diary entry to prove your point. If necessary, get the child to make the diary entry. Buddy, you need to keep your energy up but you also need to avoid being a doormat. It's a fine line, because onlookers will interpret your quiet responses as being a doormat. But calmly saying, "Thata is unacceptable. If you are upset, there are more appropriate ways of expressing it. Why don't you sit calmly, think about your concerns then try to tell me exactly what is bothering you?" If nothing else, kids who are cranky and trying to push buttons just to make our mood match theirs, need to be alerted to what they are doing so they can become more self-aware. Our kids can become more self-aware, with help, than the average person, simply because we are aware ourselves (where we can think about what their triggers are) and help them. Example - yesterday difficult child 3 was stressing at the doctor's because he needed to concentrate, and a kid (6 yo boy) was revving a toy car back and forth, over and over. difficult child 3 began to get more stressed, holding his head. The little boy's mother tried to make her son stop, but I recognised the signs of stimming, even before she said apologetically, "He's autistic." I replied, "So is he," pointing to difficult child 3. "He does understand." difficult child 3 then said, "Don't make him stop. It's okay. I understand he needs to do this. I'll be alright." difficult child 3 was suffering, but understood the need for compromise and adapted. I praised him for it. Of course, the outburst was later... these things happen! Marg [/QUOTE]
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