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Substance Abuse
Feeling disheartened re daughter :-(
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<blockquote data-quote="BusynMember" data-source="post: 640447" data-attributes="member: 1550"><p>As one who has a daughter who did recover, now going on over ten years, your daughter is not doing the things people in real recovery do. I would hesitate to call her in recovery. I will tell you what happened with my daughter when she finally actually was ready to recover...not the times she "quit", but she didn't really quit, and she kept hanging around with bad kids and others "pressured" her into using again. That isn't what recovery looks like. Plus your daughter is smoking weed. I'll tell you how I knew my daughter was finally serious.</p><p></p><p>First of all, she wanted desperately to get away from her "friends" and we sent her to Illinois to live with her straight-as-an-arrow brother who would tolerate nothing from her or she'd be on the street. She had already been kicked out of our house so it was good that he offered to give it a try, but with the stipulation she not even light up a cigarette in his house or she was out and she knew he meant it. She still went. And her brother, who is kind of an a******e wasn't going to offer her company either. He gave her the basement and that's where she had to stay, except when coming up to eat or use the bathroom.</p><p></p><p>When she first got there, she was detoxing in the basement by herself, although nobody knew it until later. Another thing we didn't know until later was the amount of drugs she had been using and what they were. We thought it was just pot. Nope. Try meth, psychodelics, cocaine, ADHD drugs crushed into a pillcrusher and snorted alone and/or with other drugs, downers for sleep, and even a few tries with heroin. I used to think you were addicted to heroin if you tried it just once. I guess it's not true. She did it twice and never again. But the point is, she, like almost all drug addicts, are very deceptive and we didn't know she was doing anything beyond smoking pot.</p><p></p><p>After the meth detoxing was done all alone, without her brother being aware of it, she received a list of rules she had to adhere to in order to stay at her brother's house. She followed everything without complaining, including working at a job that she had to walk to and back from, regardless of weather. She had to clean the house and cook, alternating with her brother and his roommates. She had to cough up rent. She made absolutely no arguments and did not defy him nor did she ever once try to contact her old druggie buddies in Wisconsin. She also made no druggie friends in Illinois. She was very lonely for a long time, but she did not want to hang with people who did "that sort of stuff" anymore. She was tired of the drug life and parties and, although very lonely, preferred her own company to that of anyone who did drugs. Eventually, she even quit smoking cigarettes and now she's one of those people you are not allowed to smoke cigarettes around, and never in her house. She is into natural stuff, organics and eastern medicine...kind of the opposite of what she was like before.</p><p></p><p>When she met her boyfriend, things got better for her as she had somebody. She is actually very shy which is a main reason she started using drugs. Drug using can make you popular. Sad but true. Now she's just a boring housewife with her boyfriends baby. Better parents I have never seen. She is very responsible. After her recovery, she got a loan for college and became a chef and even did some teaching at the community college she was at. She quit to stay home full time with Baby, since boyfriend has good job. She takes her mother role very seriously as does her boyfriend. The goofy rules about insurance here in the US is why they did not marry, but they have been monogamous for eleven or so years now and he's one of the family. I saw both of them grow up...they were both very immature when they met. Of course, in Daughter's case, drug use retards your emotional growth and you need to catch up, but she did it rather quickly. He was just immature. But he grew up with her. It's a cute story, really.</p><p></p><p>Serious people in recovery do not hang around with drug users. It's way too tempting. Recovery is a lifestyle change...a complete lifestyle makeover. It does take time, but you don't get sober and sane hanging around with high and crazy people, even if they are in the family. Seems like some of the family thinks this lifestyle is ok and she favors them. When she is truly better and not using, she will find them boring.</p><p></p><p>Sometimes I am too frank and maybe I'm going to be too frank now. Although everyone hopes your daughter will recover and be a capable mother one day, and although that could happen, right now she is a horrible mother. She is unfit to be a mother to any child, let alone one with special needs. My son with high functioing autism got autism, they think, because his birthmother used drugs and drank while pregnant. I don't know if your daughter did so or not, but, if so, she contributed to his disabilities, yet is doing nothing to help him learn how to deal with normal life and having Autism Spectrum Disorders (ASD). My son was in interventions from the time he was born. At least his birthmother knew she couldn't raise him and took off. Not saying your daughter should have done that, but she in my opinion, if she truly cared about his well being before yours, should sign custody over to you rather than dragging him who knows where to see who knows who. I don't know, nobody knows, if your daughter will ever be a fit mother, but if something doesn't happen soon, it may be too late for your grandson if she ever is. He needs special interventions for autistic kids and he needs predictability and knowing what is coming next. He needs you.</p><p></p><p>If social services is not the only game in time, and you can go to a lawyer, I strongly suggest trying to get custody, even if it alienates your daughter. Sometimes, when little kids are involved, we have to play Bad Cop to our grown children. Now I don't know if this is even a possible way to getting legal custody of your grandson in the UK. If it is, well, think of the little guy growing up the way he is being forced to because your daughter is too selfish to take good care of him or give you control over him. That would be the noble, moral thing to do, in my opinion. There is no up side in grandson's life to being in her custody. She is about herself and her needs, not his. YOU are the one who is concerned about him. YOU are the one who loves him in the right way. YOU are the one who is looking out for him.</p><p></p><p>And he knows it.</p><p></p><p>I guess I'm just writing down some ideas as I am not sure what options are open in the UK and I don't know if you even have the stomach to take on your grown daughter. Many parents do not have the stomach to fight against one's own child, even for a grandchild. Without a doubt, this is tricky and ugly and there is no way to make it nice.</p><p></p><p>At any rate, I admire what you are doing to try to look after your grandson. He would be so much better off in your loving care all the time.</p><p></p><p>Hugs for your hurting heart.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="BusynMember, post: 640447, member: 1550"] As one who has a daughter who did recover, now going on over ten years, your daughter is not doing the things people in real recovery do. I would hesitate to call her in recovery. I will tell you what happened with my daughter when she finally actually was ready to recover...not the times she "quit", but she didn't really quit, and she kept hanging around with bad kids and others "pressured" her into using again. That isn't what recovery looks like. Plus your daughter is smoking weed. I'll tell you how I knew my daughter was finally serious. First of all, she wanted desperately to get away from her "friends" and we sent her to Illinois to live with her straight-as-an-arrow brother who would tolerate nothing from her or she'd be on the street. She had already been kicked out of our house so it was good that he offered to give it a try, but with the stipulation she not even light up a cigarette in his house or she was out and she knew he meant it. She still went. And her brother, who is kind of an a******e wasn't going to offer her company either. He gave her the basement and that's where she had to stay, except when coming up to eat or use the bathroom. When she first got there, she was detoxing in the basement by herself, although nobody knew it until later. Another thing we didn't know until later was the amount of drugs she had been using and what they were. We thought it was just pot. Nope. Try meth, psychodelics, cocaine, ADHD drugs crushed into a pillcrusher and snorted alone and/or with other drugs, downers for sleep, and even a few tries with heroin. I used to think you were addicted to heroin if you tried it just once. I guess it's not true. She did it twice and never again. But the point is, she, like almost all drug addicts, are very deceptive and we didn't know she was doing anything beyond smoking pot. After the meth detoxing was done all alone, without her brother being aware of it, she received a list of rules she had to adhere to in order to stay at her brother's house. She followed everything without complaining, including working at a job that she had to walk to and back from, regardless of weather. She had to clean the house and cook, alternating with her brother and his roommates. She had to cough up rent. She made absolutely no arguments and did not defy him nor did she ever once try to contact her old druggie buddies in Wisconsin. She also made no druggie friends in Illinois. She was very lonely for a long time, but she did not want to hang with people who did "that sort of stuff" anymore. She was tired of the drug life and parties and, although very lonely, preferred her own company to that of anyone who did drugs. Eventually, she even quit smoking cigarettes and now she's one of those people you are not allowed to smoke cigarettes around, and never in her house. She is into natural stuff, organics and eastern medicine...kind of the opposite of what she was like before. When she met her boyfriend, things got better for her as she had somebody. She is actually very shy which is a main reason she started using drugs. Drug using can make you popular. Sad but true. Now she's just a boring housewife with her boyfriends baby. Better parents I have never seen. She is very responsible. After her recovery, she got a loan for college and became a chef and even did some teaching at the community college she was at. She quit to stay home full time with Baby, since boyfriend has good job. She takes her mother role very seriously as does her boyfriend. The goofy rules about insurance here in the US is why they did not marry, but they have been monogamous for eleven or so years now and he's one of the family. I saw both of them grow up...they were both very immature when they met. Of course, in Daughter's case, drug use retards your emotional growth and you need to catch up, but she did it rather quickly. He was just immature. But he grew up with her. It's a cute story, really. Serious people in recovery do not hang around with drug users. It's way too tempting. Recovery is a lifestyle change...a complete lifestyle makeover. It does take time, but you don't get sober and sane hanging around with high and crazy people, even if they are in the family. Seems like some of the family thinks this lifestyle is ok and she favors them. When she is truly better and not using, she will find them boring. Sometimes I am too frank and maybe I'm going to be too frank now. Although everyone hopes your daughter will recover and be a capable mother one day, and although that could happen, right now she is a horrible mother. She is unfit to be a mother to any child, let alone one with special needs. My son with high functioing autism got autism, they think, because his birthmother used drugs and drank while pregnant. I don't know if your daughter did so or not, but, if so, she contributed to his disabilities, yet is doing nothing to help him learn how to deal with normal life and having Autism Spectrum Disorders (ASD). My son was in interventions from the time he was born. At least his birthmother knew she couldn't raise him and took off. Not saying your daughter should have done that, but she in my opinion, if she truly cared about his well being before yours, should sign custody over to you rather than dragging him who knows where to see who knows who. I don't know, nobody knows, if your daughter will ever be a fit mother, but if something doesn't happen soon, it may be too late for your grandson if she ever is. He needs special interventions for autistic kids and he needs predictability and knowing what is coming next. He needs you. If social services is not the only game in time, and you can go to a lawyer, I strongly suggest trying to get custody, even if it alienates your daughter. Sometimes, when little kids are involved, we have to play Bad Cop to our grown children. Now I don't know if this is even a possible way to getting legal custody of your grandson in the UK. If it is, well, think of the little guy growing up the way he is being forced to because your daughter is too selfish to take good care of him or give you control over him. That would be the noble, moral thing to do, in my opinion. There is no up side in grandson's life to being in her custody. She is about herself and her needs, not his. YOU are the one who is concerned about him. YOU are the one who loves him in the right way. YOU are the one who is looking out for him. And he knows it. I guess I'm just writing down some ideas as I am not sure what options are open in the UK and I don't know if you even have the stomach to take on your grown daughter. Many parents do not have the stomach to fight against one's own child, even for a grandchild. Without a doubt, this is tricky and ugly and there is no way to make it nice. At any rate, I admire what you are doing to try to look after your grandson. He would be so much better off in your loving care all the time. Hugs for your hurting heart. [/QUOTE]
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