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Substance Abuse
Feeling disheartened re daughter :-(
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<blockquote data-quote="BusynMember" data-source="post: 640470" data-attributes="member: 1550"><p>Ok.</p><p></p><p>I have such a dysfunctional family and don't have contact with any of my DNA connections, as I call them, except for my biological son. Everyone else in my life is not a DNA relative...my husband and wonderful, precious adopted children and some friends.</p><p></p><p>My first suggestion is to stop sharing with family. If you need to share, share with a therapist. Your family, like most families I know, judge, scold, criticize, rant and rarely help or have the understanding to help. They also have no knowledge of HOW to help...that's why professionals are better. They don't gossip and scold you and they are trained to help in difficult situations, like yours. I wouldn't tell even your kissing cousin about your daughter/GS situation anymore. They don't need to know. If they ask, my answer would be kind of like my philosophy "Less is More." Psychologists are good also because they are not enmeshed in the family and can be impartial observers. I strongly advise you to get one just for YOU.</p><p></p><p>Aunt Millie: So what is going on with difficult child now? I think you ought to give her a milion bucks, a car, and tell her she is doing great 24/7.</p><p></p><p>Here is a short example of how I've learned to make uncomfortable and abusive interactions go away. See below <img src="data:image/gif;base64,R0lGODlhAQABAIAAAAAAAP///yH5BAEAAAAALAAAAAABAAEAAAIBRAA7" class="smilie smilie--sprite smilie--sprite1" alt=":)" title="Smile :)" loading="lazy" data-shortname=":)" /></p><p></p><p>Aunt Hilda: (scolding voice) How horrible! Jenny has actually stopped drinking for three weeks and you don't even tell her how proud you are of her! Well! Although she doesn't work and she still smokes pot and she neglects her child and she won't grow up, you need to keep telling her how wonderful she is, as if she were six years old. DO YOU UNDERSTAND????</p><p></p><p>You: You know, from now on my difficult child is an off limits topic to other people, even family. So tell me about that project of yours at work?</p><p></p><p>Don't get drawn if. If the person persists say firmly, "I'm going to have to go now. Bye." And either hang up or leave. Don't do it with anger. Just be firm. People get the message if you are consistent and firm. This doesn't need to be family gossip time. It's a painful situation between two adults...your daughter and you. Nobody else should have input and nobody else needs knowledge. Again, I suggest therapy for feedback.</p><p></p><p>Secondly, and this is the hardest to accept, but it is a universal truth...often in life there is nothing you can do about the situation. It sounds like SS is going to decide who gets custody of your grandson and you aren't going to have any input. It also sounds as if your daughter is really not changed yet in any meaningful way and doesn't have insight into her child. She just wants him...maybe she likes his attention. You can't change any of that. None of it. You also can not protect your grandson unless you have sole legal custody of him. Your daughter takes him to places where he shouldn't be. He does not have stability. As much as you love him, you have no control over him, no matter how much you kiss up to your daughter. Three weeks and weed and still hanging with druggy friends/relatives is not a recovery or a lifestyle change that will make things better.</p><p></p><p>You deserve a life and to have a little fun with your own friends and the part of your family that you enjoy and with your hobbies and things you love to do, but dont' do because you are so busy trying to control your daughter. You can maybe talk her into some things, but it seems she basically goes her own way and that she is not even growing up. Do you pay all of her expenses? Does she have a job? If she did you could babysit while she was gone and she'd be off the streets during business hours. If it were me, to live with me she would need to work and I'd cut off the money train that keeps our difficult children so young. She will not get more responsible if you take care of her finances. You can certainly buy GS clothes, toys, whatever. You don't have to pay for difficult children cell phone, interent, food, clothes, car, gas, etc.</p><p></p><p>Of course you have to do what you think is right, but you ARE entitled to a life. As long as somebody else is legally in charge of your grandson, you can not shape his life too much. Certainly, surely you can take him whenever this is offered, but there are many times when it isn't offered and you can't decide to get him help for autism and he is not getting the stability he needs and it's NOT YOUR FAULT. It is your daughter's fault. And SS isn't helping either by not seeing that this child needs a stable placement and I do think YOU deserve it. But if you can't control it...if they think your daughter's lifestyle is ok with them and that he belongs in foster care more than with you...you can't do anything about it. So you may as well start to enjoy your life again.</p><p></p><p>You have another child. Please don't neglect having good times with her for this one. So many times our difficult children suck all the air out of us and we start to neglect everyone and everything else we hold precious because we are so bogged down with the needs of our difficult child and in this case her son. But there is more to your life than either of them. Having a wait-and-see attitude may be best with GS. Someday you may get custody. But right now you don't have it.And right now your daughter has allegedly been sober from alcohol only three short weeks and she is still smoking weed so she's not sober. Am I judging her? No. I'm just a big believer in looking at the picture and accepting it for what it is.</p><p></p><p>I hope you get professional therapy and learn how to cope with this situation that way. They know what to do. Right now you are torn in so many directions and sound so fragmented and stressed. That is no way to live. You have to stay healthy and strong for, not just your grandson, but for others who love you and for yourself too! YOU MATTER. YOUR LIFE MATTERS.</p><p></p><p>Hugs and I hope you go for help.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="BusynMember, post: 640470, member: 1550"] Ok. I have such a dysfunctional family and don't have contact with any of my DNA connections, as I call them, except for my biological son. Everyone else in my life is not a DNA relative...my husband and wonderful, precious adopted children and some friends. My first suggestion is to stop sharing with family. If you need to share, share with a therapist. Your family, like most families I know, judge, scold, criticize, rant and rarely help or have the understanding to help. They also have no knowledge of HOW to help...that's why professionals are better. They don't gossip and scold you and they are trained to help in difficult situations, like yours. I wouldn't tell even your kissing cousin about your daughter/GS situation anymore. They don't need to know. If they ask, my answer would be kind of like my philosophy "Less is More." Psychologists are good also because they are not enmeshed in the family and can be impartial observers. I strongly advise you to get one just for YOU. Aunt Millie: So what is going on with difficult child now? I think you ought to give her a milion bucks, a car, and tell her she is doing great 24/7. Here is a short example of how I've learned to make uncomfortable and abusive interactions go away. See below :) Aunt Hilda: (scolding voice) How horrible! Jenny has actually stopped drinking for three weeks and you don't even tell her how proud you are of her! Well! Although she doesn't work and she still smokes pot and she neglects her child and she won't grow up, you need to keep telling her how wonderful she is, as if she were six years old. DO YOU UNDERSTAND???? You: You know, from now on my difficult child is an off limits topic to other people, even family. So tell me about that project of yours at work? Don't get drawn if. If the person persists say firmly, "I'm going to have to go now. Bye." And either hang up or leave. Don't do it with anger. Just be firm. People get the message if you are consistent and firm. This doesn't need to be family gossip time. It's a painful situation between two adults...your daughter and you. Nobody else should have input and nobody else needs knowledge. Again, I suggest therapy for feedback. Secondly, and this is the hardest to accept, but it is a universal truth...often in life there is nothing you can do about the situation. It sounds like SS is going to decide who gets custody of your grandson and you aren't going to have any input. It also sounds as if your daughter is really not changed yet in any meaningful way and doesn't have insight into her child. She just wants him...maybe she likes his attention. You can't change any of that. None of it. You also can not protect your grandson unless you have sole legal custody of him. Your daughter takes him to places where he shouldn't be. He does not have stability. As much as you love him, you have no control over him, no matter how much you kiss up to your daughter. Three weeks and weed and still hanging with druggy friends/relatives is not a recovery or a lifestyle change that will make things better. You deserve a life and to have a little fun with your own friends and the part of your family that you enjoy and with your hobbies and things you love to do, but dont' do because you are so busy trying to control your daughter. You can maybe talk her into some things, but it seems she basically goes her own way and that she is not even growing up. Do you pay all of her expenses? Does she have a job? If she did you could babysit while she was gone and she'd be off the streets during business hours. If it were me, to live with me she would need to work and I'd cut off the money train that keeps our difficult children so young. She will not get more responsible if you take care of her finances. You can certainly buy GS clothes, toys, whatever. You don't have to pay for difficult children cell phone, interent, food, clothes, car, gas, etc. Of course you have to do what you think is right, but you ARE entitled to a life. As long as somebody else is legally in charge of your grandson, you can not shape his life too much. Certainly, surely you can take him whenever this is offered, but there are many times when it isn't offered and you can't decide to get him help for autism and he is not getting the stability he needs and it's NOT YOUR FAULT. It is your daughter's fault. And SS isn't helping either by not seeing that this child needs a stable placement and I do think YOU deserve it. But if you can't control it...if they think your daughter's lifestyle is ok with them and that he belongs in foster care more than with you...you can't do anything about it. So you may as well start to enjoy your life again. You have another child. Please don't neglect having good times with her for this one. So many times our difficult children suck all the air out of us and we start to neglect everyone and everything else we hold precious because we are so bogged down with the needs of our difficult child and in this case her son. But there is more to your life than either of them. Having a wait-and-see attitude may be best with GS. Someday you may get custody. But right now you don't have it.And right now your daughter has allegedly been sober from alcohol only three short weeks and she is still smoking weed so she's not sober. Am I judging her? No. I'm just a big believer in looking at the picture and accepting it for what it is. I hope you get professional therapy and learn how to cope with this situation that way. They know what to do. Right now you are torn in so many directions and sound so fragmented and stressed. That is no way to live. You have to stay healthy and strong for, not just your grandson, but for others who love you and for yourself too! YOU MATTER. YOUR LIFE MATTERS. Hugs and I hope you go for help. [/QUOTE]
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Feeling disheartened re daughter :-(
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