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Feeling embarrassed and alone....
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<blockquote data-quote="slsh" data-source="post: 576394" data-attributes="member: 8"><p>JKF - it is *really* hard not to get drawn back into our kids' stuff, esp when they're not doing great. It takes practice. in my humble opinion, you have been doing much better lately. Expect backslides on your detachment - you're his mom and you want him to be okay. I found that sometimes detachment had to be a very conscious choice - am I going to get worked up over this latest situation or am I going to let go of it, because I can't do anything about it anyway? Sometimes it was almost a physical process of letting it go.</p><p></p><p>The only person who can help difficult child is difficult child. You and director and everyone else can point him to options, but he is the one who has to actually do it. If you could have fixed this, you would have, a very loooong time ago. It's difficult child's deal now. Help if he asks, continue to point out options if he will listen, but... *he* is the only one who can fix things.</p><p></p><p>Another thought is that maybe this was difficult child's totally goofed up attempt to get you to back off a bit, quit checking up on him. Rather than stating *his* needs/wants, he tried to manipulate you into chilling out. </p><p></p><p>Honestly, I can't imagine how hard this is for you. When my kid was on his own at 18, he was just gone. I'd check myspace occasionally to make sure he was alive because he sure wasn't contacting us, but after a while I had to stop that because ... well, there are just some things I do not need/want to know, you know? If I'd had the ability to contact some sane person to check on his well being, I probably would have. I didn't have that option - and maybe that was a good thing, in the long run.</p><p></p><p>Hang in there. As you said, this is a growing experience (though who knew we'd need to grow so much!!! <img src="data:image/gif;base64,R0lGODlhAQABAIAAAAAAAP///yH5BAEAAAAALAAAAAABAAEAAAIBRAA7" class="smilie smilie--sprite smilie--sprite2" alt=";)" title="Wink ;)" loading="lazy" data-shortname=";)" /> ).</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="slsh, post: 576394, member: 8"] JKF - it is *really* hard not to get drawn back into our kids' stuff, esp when they're not doing great. It takes practice. in my humble opinion, you have been doing much better lately. Expect backslides on your detachment - you're his mom and you want him to be okay. I found that sometimes detachment had to be a very conscious choice - am I going to get worked up over this latest situation or am I going to let go of it, because I can't do anything about it anyway? Sometimes it was almost a physical process of letting it go. The only person who can help difficult child is difficult child. You and director and everyone else can point him to options, but he is the one who has to actually do it. If you could have fixed this, you would have, a very loooong time ago. It's difficult child's deal now. Help if he asks, continue to point out options if he will listen, but... *he* is the only one who can fix things. Another thought is that maybe this was difficult child's totally goofed up attempt to get you to back off a bit, quit checking up on him. Rather than stating *his* needs/wants, he tried to manipulate you into chilling out. Honestly, I can't imagine how hard this is for you. When my kid was on his own at 18, he was just gone. I'd check myspace occasionally to make sure he was alive because he sure wasn't contacting us, but after a while I had to stop that because ... well, there are just some things I do not need/want to know, you know? If I'd had the ability to contact some sane person to check on his well being, I probably would have. I didn't have that option - and maybe that was a good thing, in the long run. Hang in there. As you said, this is a growing experience (though who knew we'd need to grow so much!!! :winking: ). [/QUOTE]
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