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Feeling heartbroken and helpless
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<blockquote data-quote="New Leaf" data-source="post: 734472" data-attributes="member: 19522"><p>HI Beta, I am sorry for what you are enduring. It is so difficult when our adult children go off the rails. It is a train wreck that we cannot stop. Take the time to honor your feelings. I think that is so important, allowing ourselves time to grieve.</p><p> Going through a similar journey with my two, I understand how devastating this can be. Whether it be drugs, mental illness, or a combination, it is a shock to the system when our beloveds travel this path. I can say that it is more difficult than having a loved one pass. There is a way to get through to the other side, that starts with allowing yourself time to grieve and understanding that you didn't cause this, can't change or control it.</p><p>Do little things to lift yourself up, when you have the strength. I found it so helpful to give my two back to God, knowing that I cannot control what their choices are. They are out there somewhere, living their lives, and I ask daily that He look after them and help them to realize their potential. That has helped me to the point where I can look back at those good times, and be thankful for what we once had, know that the good memories I have, are also within them, somewhere. If my mind wanders to the terrible awful things that may happen to my two, I pray. It helps to calm me, and take away the worry, which does nothing to help anyone.</p><p> This is what I am focused on now. I think too, of the blessings that I did have raising them, so many people either can't have children, or lose their young children to illness or unforeseen circumstances.</p><p>Our adult kids grew up and made choices. Some folks here have been fortunate to be able to get their loved ones to accept treatment, and they turn a corner. There are those of us here who are on a different path, due to their beloveds continued missteps and choices that lead them elsewhere.</p><p>That is my story with my two. I figured out awhile back, that I was not the one to "fix" them, and putting my life on hold until they decided to choose differently, was not an option.</p><p>No amount of sacrificing self on our part will change things.</p><p>I keep writing this to parents in our situation. It is a reminder to me, too. What we wish the most for our adult children, is that they take good care of themselves, live a good life, find peace and joy.</p><p> My two are out there somewhere finding their way. It is not what I had imagined when I was raising them. </p><p>When they started down this path, they seemed to lose more and more of their true selves.</p><p>So did I. I became lost, despondent, depressed, angry, anxious. I wanted things to change, and thought that I could be a part of that. There was and is nothing further from the truth. My two have shown me over and again that they will choose as they please, no matter what I wish, no matter what is happening in my life.</p><p>Our adult children have a way of trying to place blame on us, the way they were raised, our parenting mistakes, for their choices, or their ill treatment of us. For a time, I reeled those tapes and would find times that I wished I had done better. The fact is, no one is perfect, and yes, I did make mistakes along the way. </p><p>My well children helped me through this.</p><p>I cannot change the past. Whatever my children choose in their adult lives, is their responsibility.</p><p>It came to the point where I realized that going down with their "ship" made absolutely no sense at all. I envisioned myself as a lighthouse, standing stalwart and strong upon the cliffs, shining my light. Or, as the captain of my own ship, finding my way through the storm and hoping they will, too.</p><p>That is my mission now, finding my way back to my self.</p><p>We have this one shot at life. Life is short, often times we face hardships, but it is still beautiful.</p><p>Even though our kids may be floundering, we have our own lives to live, as they do theirs.</p><p>It is a large dose of it is what it is.</p><p>You can do this Beta, grab your life back and set your course.</p><p>I believe that is the greatest thing we can do for ourselves, <em>and our beloveds.</em></p><p>Showing them by example, that no matter what happens, despite all the odds, being true to ourselves, living the best rest of our lives, is possible.</p><p>My deepest sympathy and understanding goes out to you and others like us, who face this challenge. Learning to let go is a daily exercise. </p><p>Some days will be harder than others, but each step we take, be it therapy, reading, posting, exercising, <em>practicing self care </em>is a step towards regaining our strength and finding our peace. </p><p>You have a small army here, standing beside you.</p><p>You are not alone, we all understand how hard this is, <em>but you can do it</em>.</p><p>You matter, your life matters.</p><p>(((HUGS)))</p><p>Leafy</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="New Leaf, post: 734472, member: 19522"] HI Beta, I am sorry for what you are enduring. It is so difficult when our adult children go off the rails. It is a train wreck that we cannot stop. Take the time to honor your feelings. I think that is so important, allowing ourselves time to grieve. Going through a similar journey with my two, I understand how devastating this can be. Whether it be drugs, mental illness, or a combination, it is a shock to the system when our beloveds travel this path. I can say that it is more difficult than having a loved one pass. There is a way to get through to the other side, that starts with allowing yourself time to grieve and understanding that you didn't cause this, can't change or control it. Do little things to lift yourself up, when you have the strength. I found it so helpful to give my two back to God, knowing that I cannot control what their choices are. They are out there somewhere, living their lives, and I ask daily that He look after them and help them to realize their potential. That has helped me to the point where I can look back at those good times, and be thankful for what we once had, know that the good memories I have, are also within them, somewhere. If my mind wanders to the terrible awful things that may happen to my two, I pray. It helps to calm me, and take away the worry, which does nothing to help anyone. This is what I am focused on now. I think too, of the blessings that I did have raising them, so many people either can't have children, or lose their young children to illness or unforeseen circumstances. Our adult kids grew up and made choices. Some folks here have been fortunate to be able to get their loved ones to accept treatment, and they turn a corner. There are those of us here who are on a different path, due to their beloveds continued missteps and choices that lead them elsewhere. That is my story with my two. I figured out awhile back, that I was not the one to "fix" them, and putting my life on hold until they decided to choose differently, was not an option. No amount of sacrificing self on our part will change things. I keep writing this to parents in our situation. It is a reminder to me, too. What we wish the most for our adult children, is that they take good care of themselves, live a good life, find peace and joy. My two are out there somewhere finding their way. It is not what I had imagined when I was raising them. When they started down this path, they seemed to lose more and more of their true selves. So did I. I became lost, despondent, depressed, angry, anxious. I wanted things to change, and thought that I could be a part of that. There was and is nothing further from the truth. My two have shown me over and again that they will choose as they please, no matter what I wish, no matter what is happening in my life. Our adult children have a way of trying to place blame on us, the way they were raised, our parenting mistakes, for their choices, or their ill treatment of us. For a time, I reeled those tapes and would find times that I wished I had done better. The fact is, no one is perfect, and yes, I did make mistakes along the way. My well children helped me through this. I cannot change the past. Whatever my children choose in their adult lives, is their responsibility. It came to the point where I realized that going down with their "ship" made absolutely no sense at all. I envisioned myself as a lighthouse, standing stalwart and strong upon the cliffs, shining my light. Or, as the captain of my own ship, finding my way through the storm and hoping they will, too. That is my mission now, finding my way back to my self. We have this one shot at life. Life is short, often times we face hardships, but it is still beautiful. Even though our kids may be floundering, we have our own lives to live, as they do theirs. It is a large dose of it is what it is. You can do this Beta, grab your life back and set your course. I believe that is the greatest thing we can do for ourselves, [I]and our beloveds.[/I] Showing them by example, that no matter what happens, despite all the odds, being true to ourselves, living the best rest of our lives, is possible. My deepest sympathy and understanding goes out to you and others like us, who face this challenge. Learning to let go is a daily exercise. Some days will be harder than others, but each step we take, be it therapy, reading, posting, exercising, [I]practicing self care [/I]is a step towards regaining our strength and finding our peace. You have a small army here, standing beside you. You are not alone, we all understand how hard this is, [I]but you can do it[/I]. You matter, your life matters. (((HUGS))) Leafy [/QUOTE]
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