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<blockquote data-quote="New Leaf" data-source="post: 730517" data-attributes="member: 19522"><p>HI Amy and welcome to the forum. I am so sorry for your need to be here. This is a tough situation for your daughter, tough for you, too. A controlling person does not want any other relationships to interfere with the control they have over their victim. Of, course, you know this because you are experiencing it with your daughter and the circumstances you have explained.</p><p>Her boyfriend has some real issues and whether drug related, or mental illness, his behavior is not normal. The hard part, is that you love your daughter and want the best for her, but she has to want that for herself. </p><p>You didn't cause this, can't control it, or fix it.</p><p></p><p>I am sorry, it is heart wrenching to witness. I know, because my daughter lived a similar life with three kids in the mix with constant drama and chaos. </p><p>My eldest was in a severely abusive relationship.</p><p>How do we make these adult kids see what they have gotten themselves into?</p><p>We just....can't.</p><p>I am so sorry, I know the heartache of it.</p><p>This is not healthy for her, or for you. Have you sought counseling? Having face to face with someone who works in the field of domestic violence is helpful.</p><p>Nothing good will come of you going down that rabbit hole along with her.</p><p>I know how it feels to be so consumed with worry, it is awful.</p><p>The thing is, that <em>will not change one thing for your daughter</em>, and is so damaging to your health.</p><p>Start one breath, one minute, one day at a time to pull yourself up and out of this.</p><p>If you believe in a higher power, pray.</p><p>Continue to <em>educate yourself in a different way</em>, I am sure you already know enough about the boyfriends controlling your daughter, and all of the psychological ramifications of emotional abuse.</p><p><em>I devoured the subject myself</em>.</p><p>My daughter would attempt to leave her boyfriend and we would get drawn in, try to help her, many, many times.</p><p>It was, and is up to her to find her self worth and reject ill treatment.</p><p>In the meantime, since we cannot control or change the decisions our adult kids make, I believe the best thing we can do is <em>take care of ourselves, the way we wish the kids would.</em></p><p>This sounds selfish when we are smack dab in the middle of grieving over the terrible, awful situations the kids are getting into.</p><p></p><p>The problem is, we start to feel the consequences more than they do, it becomes a train wreck, <em>for us</em>.</p><p></p><p>There is a good article that I linked below on detachment.</p><p><a href="https://www.conductdisorders.com/community/threads/article-on-detachment.53639/#ixzz4NPcnawgD" target="_blank">http://www.conductdisorders.com/community/threads/article-on-detachment.53639/#ixzz4NPcnawgD</a></p><p></p><p>Detachment doesn't mean that we are abandoning our adult kids, <em>it means that we realize that we cannot control their choices</em>.</p><p>It is a guide to help us get out of the web of sadness, frustration, anger and depression that can <em>entangle us</em> and affect our own lives in very unhealthy ways.</p><p></p><p>We spent so much time and energy raising our kids, putting our own lives on hold to provide the best we could for them. Letting go is hard when we see this spin towards destructive behaviors. We are inclined by our love, our connection, our hearts, to try everything under the sun to stop the crazy of it all.</p><p>The problem is, they are not little children anymore, they are adults making their own decisions.</p><p>We would all give our arms and legs for things to be different for our beloveds, but, <em>it does not work. </em></p><p>We are left virtually immobile, stagnated in the quagmire of <em>their lives. </em></p><p>We <em>feel it</em> as if it were <em>our own</em>.</p><p>The stress, the worry, the awfullizing becomes like a full time job.</p><p>We<em> wear it</em>.</p><p>I think the biggest thing, is that <em>begins to feel like love</em>.</p><p>That we go down into the quicksand of their choices with them.</p><p>It begins to feel like love.</p><p>"How can I be happy when my daughter is out there suffering?"</p><p>So, we begin to suffer, too, some times more than they are.</p><p>A good question to ask yourself, <em>is if your suffering does anything for your daughter?</em></p><p>That is what I meant by continuing to educate yourself in a different way.</p><p>You have tried everything to help your daughter.</p><p>Staying up all night and checking on her is not healthy for you at all Amy.</p><p>We need our rest.</p><p>I so understand your constant worry and how that feels.</p><p>I have been on this road for a long, long time. The worry and stress was <em>all consuming. </em>It got to the point where I realized my life was passing me by as I lived this nightmare of my two daughters. I would function, but it was just that, <em>functioning</em>.</p><p>My peace of mind was gone.</p><p>I hit rock bottom.</p><p>Then I looked up and pled with God to take my two back. I realized that I had absolutely no control over their choices, they are captains of their own ships, as I am of mine, and <em>my ship </em>was entering the stormy waters of their choices and going down......fast.</p><p>What is it we MOST wish for our kids? We want them to know they have value and worth, to practice self care, to love themselves and steer clear of people who would cause them harm.</p><p>We are still their parents, they are just not little children anymore. We are their first mentors, their first example of how to walk in this world. I think the absolute best thing we can do for our wayward beloveds, is to model what we wish for them. Self care.</p><p>When you think of it this way, you can start to peel off the layers of anxiety and worry, and start to <em>breathe again</em>. You can fend off the <em>ill conceived notion </em>that living your life to the fullest, while your daughter is making these choices is <em>selfish</em>.</p><p>It is not selfish.</p><p>It is imperative.</p><p>You matter, you have worth.</p><p>Sacrificing your life, <em>will not save hers</em>.</p><p>Finding your joy again, putting the pieces back together, will send a strong message to your daughter, of what she can attain to, if she chooses.</p><p>I believe that domestic violence and controlling relationships have the same affect on people as substance abuse. Standards are lowered, people become shells of themselves.</p><p>It is a horrible thing to watch.</p><p>Both of my daughters have been in abusive relationships, both of them are on meth.</p><p>I love them dearly.</p><p>I love them enough to know my job now, is to try my very best to live well.</p><p>I hope some day, the idea will rub off on them.</p><p>My going down the tubes with them, does nothing for them, and robs me of my joy.</p><p>I am glad you found us, Amy. I am sorry for your troubles and your aching Mommas heart.</p><p>Please know you are not alone.</p><p>There is a way up and out of the quicksand.</p><p>One small step at a time.</p><p>(((HUGS)))</p><p>Leafy</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="New Leaf, post: 730517, member: 19522"] HI Amy and welcome to the forum. I am so sorry for your need to be here. This is a tough situation for your daughter, tough for you, too. A controlling person does not want any other relationships to interfere with the control they have over their victim. Of, course, you know this because you are experiencing it with your daughter and the circumstances you have explained. Her boyfriend has some real issues and whether drug related, or mental illness, his behavior is not normal. The hard part, is that you love your daughter and want the best for her, but she has to want that for herself. You didn't cause this, can't control it, or fix it. I am sorry, it is heart wrenching to witness. I know, because my daughter lived a similar life with three kids in the mix with constant drama and chaos. My eldest was in a severely abusive relationship. How do we make these adult kids see what they have gotten themselves into? We just....can't. I am so sorry, I know the heartache of it. This is not healthy for her, or for you. Have you sought counseling? Having face to face with someone who works in the field of domestic violence is helpful. Nothing good will come of you going down that rabbit hole along with her. I know how it feels to be so consumed with worry, it is awful. The thing is, that [I]will not change one thing for your daughter[/I], and is so damaging to your health. Start one breath, one minute, one day at a time to pull yourself up and out of this. If you believe in a higher power, pray. Continue to [I]educate yourself in a different way[/I], I am sure you already know enough about the boyfriends controlling your daughter, and all of the psychological ramifications of emotional abuse. [I]I devoured the subject myself[/I]. My daughter would attempt to leave her boyfriend and we would get drawn in, try to help her, many, many times. It was, and is up to her to find her self worth and reject ill treatment. In the meantime, since we cannot control or change the decisions our adult kids make, I believe the best thing we can do is [I]take care of ourselves, the way we wish the kids would.[/I] This sounds selfish when we are smack dab in the middle of grieving over the terrible, awful situations the kids are getting into. The problem is, we start to feel the consequences more than they do, it becomes a train wreck, [I]for us[/I]. There is a good article that I linked below on detachment. [URL='https://www.conductdisorders.com/community/threads/article-on-detachment.53639/#ixzz4NPcnawgD']http://www.conductdisorders.com/community/threads/article-on-detachment.53639/#ixzz4NPcnawgD[/URL] Detachment doesn't mean that we are abandoning our adult kids, [I]it means that we realize that we cannot control their choices[/I]. It is a guide to help us get out of the web of sadness, frustration, anger and depression that can [I]entangle us[/I] and affect our own lives in very unhealthy ways. We spent so much time and energy raising our kids, putting our own lives on hold to provide the best we could for them. Letting go is hard when we see this spin towards destructive behaviors. We are inclined by our love, our connection, our hearts, to try everything under the sun to stop the crazy of it all. The problem is, they are not little children anymore, they are adults making their own decisions. We would all give our arms and legs for things to be different for our beloveds, but, [I]it does not work. [/I] We are left virtually immobile, stagnated in the quagmire of [I]their lives. [/I] We [I]feel it[/I] as if it were [I]our own[/I]. The stress, the worry, the awfullizing becomes like a full time job. We[I] wear it[/I]. I think the biggest thing, is that [I]begins to feel like love[/I]. That we go down into the quicksand of their choices with them. It begins to feel like love. "How can I be happy when my daughter is out there suffering?" So, we begin to suffer, too, some times more than they are. A good question to ask yourself, [I]is if your suffering does anything for your daughter?[/I] That is what I meant by continuing to educate yourself in a different way. You have tried everything to help your daughter. Staying up all night and checking on her is not healthy for you at all Amy. We need our rest. I so understand your constant worry and how that feels. I have been on this road for a long, long time. The worry and stress was [I]all consuming. [/I]It got to the point where I realized my life was passing me by as I lived this nightmare of my two daughters. I would function, but it was just that, [I]functioning[/I]. My peace of mind was gone. I hit rock bottom. Then I looked up and pled with God to take my two back. I realized that I had absolutely no control over their choices, they are captains of their own ships, as I am of mine, and [I]my ship [/I]was entering the stormy waters of their choices and going down......fast. What is it we MOST wish for our kids? We want them to know they have value and worth, to practice self care, to love themselves and steer clear of people who would cause them harm. We are still their parents, they are just not little children anymore. We are their first mentors, their first example of how to walk in this world. I think the absolute best thing we can do for our wayward beloveds, is to model what we wish for them. Self care. When you think of it this way, you can start to peel off the layers of anxiety and worry, and start to [I]breathe again[/I]. You can fend off the [I]ill conceived notion [/I]that living your life to the fullest, while your daughter is making these choices is [I]selfish[/I]. It is not selfish. It is imperative. You matter, you have worth. Sacrificing your life, [I]will not save hers[/I]. Finding your joy again, putting the pieces back together, will send a strong message to your daughter, of what she can attain to, if she chooses. I believe that domestic violence and controlling relationships have the same affect on people as substance abuse. Standards are lowered, people become shells of themselves. It is a horrible thing to watch. Both of my daughters have been in abusive relationships, both of them are on meth. I love them dearly. I love them enough to know my job now, is to try my very best to live well. I hope some day, the idea will rub off on them. My going down the tubes with them, does nothing for them, and robs me of my joy. I am glad you found us, Amy. I am sorry for your troubles and your aching Mommas heart. Please know you are not alone. There is a way up and out of the quicksand. One small step at a time. (((HUGS))) Leafy [/QUOTE]
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