Feeling helpless

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by Amy2355, Mar 21, 2018.

  1. Amy2355

    Amy2355 New Member

    Hello all, I’m new to this so bare with me. To say the least I am had an emotional last years. I’ve been dealing with my daughter who is in a bad relationship for now going on over 4 years. Lost my mams in June and my brother in Feb.
    my daughters boyfriend has changed her in every way! He’s controlling, talks down to her calling her fat, stupid. She used to take great pride in how she looked and dressed and now every bit of that is gone, he doesn’t like her wearing makeup and very raillery does she do her hair. I know in the past that he’s put hands on her (because she told me the last time she left, she told me a lot! How he spends all their money at the casino, he won’t wk., etc)

    Before he came into the picture my daughter was a strong, beautiful woman who had dreams and was working toward them. She was preapproved for her own house loan, working to make a great life for her and her son.

    Soon after she moved to an apartment he talked her into cosigning for him a new motorcycle ,he never made a payment and wrecked it with no insurance ( so that all feel to her to pay) she lost her apartment and moved back home( I was okay with that) he soon talked her into moving out with him to a apartment which he lost in 7 months, along with her car. So again she moved back home . No car no $. Again we helped her. And again she left and went back.

    Then it started …. We were never invited to see where they were living and I let that go, as long as she and my grandson came over to us I was ok. I mean she is an adult! Well they kept moving from place to place and kept losing them. I have gotten him a really good job which he quit once one of the apartment places wanted to garnish his wages. My daughter has always worked and been the “bread winner” I have tried so many times to talk to her, and him to help them get on a budget. I can never EVER say anything about him not working or really anything because it starts a huge fight with her. She defends him to the core, which just baffles me to my core.

    She got pregnant and had his child in Oct. at that time they were living with his mom, all things seemed to be going well, we were talking a lot, doing things together I was happy . I guess it was around Christmas he mad a remark to me that he thinks they need to move away. To start over, I just looked at him. I didn’t put much thought into it because truthfully they had no money because again he isn’t working only her. Welllllll January 15 was the last time I seen my youngest grandson and my daughter, he talked her into moving 3 hours away. 3 hours!!! She didn’t tell me they were planning it, last I heard they were moving into a trailer about 10 miles from me, and now this. ( I have seen my eldest grandson because of his dad thank God , when she moved right before she had gotten in trouble with family services because he was going to school. Well come to find out , his mother kicked them out! She didn’t call me and ask for help and wont because I have told her a million times her and her boys are ALWAYS welcome to come home and me and dad will help them, but I never include the loser boyfriend, I can’t and I won’t. I didn’t it about 2 years in their relationship and he lied and stole. So never again, but anyways they stayed with a friend for about 2 weeks and then moved. There was a argument between us, there was nothing, si I am so confused on why she is doing this to us, I totally believe she hates me!( up till age 23 I swear her n I were very close) she won’t answer the phone when I call, aI have seen the baby or her since Jan. I lost my brother to cancer in Feb. and she didn’t call or come to the funeral, my heart is just broke, I don’t know what to say or do. I have read tons of forms and books and I know she is being controlled by him, and I know that she won’t leave him until that light finally goes off. But in the meantime, what do I do. I worry soooooooooo much, I wake all through the night checking my phone, searching her FB to see if she’s on line, waiting for her to say something to me. I miss herL
  2. Tanya M

    Tanya M Living with an attitude of gratitude Staff Member

    Hi Amy,
    I'm sorry the heartache and worry you are experiencing.
    From what you have shared you have a good understanding that your daughter has submitted to the boyfriends controlling behavior. Sadly, there is nothing you can do about it. I would venture a guess that any ill feelings your daughter has towards you is due to the boyfriends manipulation of her.
    It's hard not to worry but please understand you are wasting your precious energy on something you have zero control over.
    I would suggest you step back from all of this for a while, say a week. What does that look like?, no checking FB or your phone to see if she's called or texted. After a week send her a text or leave a voice mail, keep it simple, say something like "hi hon, it's mom, just wanted to let you know I'm thinking about you and love you" Try not to give into your fears and say something like "I'm worried sick, why haven't you called"
    When it comes to dealing with our difficult adult children, keeping our emotions in check with them is huge. You see, they will use our emotions and our fear against us.

    Here is a very good article on detachment. I suggest you print it out and read it several times.
    Article on Detachment

    Detaching with love from our difficult adult children is necessary in order for us to maintain our sanity.

    I'm glad you are here with us. Others will come along and share.

    ((HUGS)) to you.................
  3. New Leaf

    New Leaf Well-Known Member

    HI Amy and welcome to the forum. I am so sorry for your need to be here. This is a tough situation for your daughter, tough for you, too. A controlling person does not want any other relationships to interfere with the control they have over their victim. Of, course, you know this because you are experiencing it with your daughter and the circumstances you have explained.
    Her boyfriend has some real issues and whether drug related, or mental illness, his behavior is not normal. The hard part, is that you love your daughter and want the best for her, but she has to want that for herself.
    You didn't cause this, can't control it, or fix it.

    I am sorry, it is heart wrenching to witness. I know, because my daughter lived a similar life with three kids in the mix with constant drama and chaos.
    My eldest was in a severely abusive relationship.
    How do we make these adult kids see what they have gotten themselves into?
    We just....can't.
    I am so sorry, I know the heartache of it.
    This is not healthy for her, or for you. Have you sought counseling? Having face to face with someone who works in the field of domestic violence is helpful.
    Nothing good will come of you going down that rabbit hole along with her.
    I know how it feels to be so consumed with worry, it is awful.
    The thing is, that will not change one thing for your daughter, and is so damaging to your health.
    Start one breath, one minute, one day at a time to pull yourself up and out of this.
    If you believe in a higher power, pray.
    Continue to educate yourself in a different way, I am sure you already know enough about the boyfriends controlling your daughter, and all of the psychological ramifications of emotional abuse.
    I devoured the subject myself.
    My daughter would attempt to leave her boyfriend and we would get drawn in, try to help her, many, many times.
    It was, and is up to her to find her self worth and reject ill treatment.
    In the meantime, since we cannot control or change the decisions our adult kids make, I believe the best thing we can do is take care of ourselves, the way we wish the kids would.
    This sounds selfish when we are smack dab in the middle of grieving over the terrible, awful situations the kids are getting into.

    The problem is, we start to feel the consequences more than they do, it becomes a train wreck, for us.

    There is a good article that I linked below on detachment.

    Detachment doesn't mean that we are abandoning our adult kids, it means that we realize that we cannot control their choices.
    It is a guide to help us get out of the web of sadness, frustration, anger and depression that can entangle us and affect our own lives in very unhealthy ways.

    We spent so much time and energy raising our kids, putting our own lives on hold to provide the best we could for them. Letting go is hard when we see this spin towards destructive behaviors. We are inclined by our love, our connection, our hearts, to try everything under the sun to stop the crazy of it all.
    The problem is, they are not little children anymore, they are adults making their own decisions.
    We would all give our arms and legs for things to be different for our beloveds, but, it does not work.
    We are left virtually immobile, stagnated in the quagmire of their lives.
    We feel it as if it were our own.
    The stress, the worry, the awfullizing becomes like a full time job.
    We wear it.
    I think the biggest thing, is that begins to feel like love.
    That we go down into the quicksand of their choices with them.
    It begins to feel like love.
    "How can I be happy when my daughter is out there suffering?"
    So, we begin to suffer, too, some times more than they are.
    A good question to ask yourself, is if your suffering does anything for your daughter?
    That is what I meant by continuing to educate yourself in a different way.
    You have tried everything to help your daughter.
    Staying up all night and checking on her is not healthy for you at all Amy.
    We need our rest.
    I so understand your constant worry and how that feels.
    I have been on this road for a long, long time. The worry and stress was all consuming. It got to the point where I realized my life was passing me by as I lived this nightmare of my two daughters. I would function, but it was just that, functioning.
    My peace of mind was gone.
    I hit rock bottom.
    Then I looked up and pled with God to take my two back. I realized that I had absolutely no control over their choices, they are captains of their own ships, as I am of mine, and my ship was entering the stormy waters of their choices and going down......fast.
    What is it we MOST wish for our kids? We want them to know they have value and worth, to practice self care, to love themselves and steer clear of people who would cause them harm.
    We are still their parents, they are just not little children anymore. We are their first mentors, their first example of how to walk in this world. I think the absolute best thing we can do for our wayward beloveds, is to model what we wish for them. Self care.
    When you think of it this way, you can start to peel off the layers of anxiety and worry, and start to breathe again. You can fend off the ill conceived notion that living your life to the fullest, while your daughter is making these choices is selfish.
    It is not selfish.
    It is imperative.
    You matter, you have worth.
    Sacrificing your life, will not save hers.
    Finding your joy again, putting the pieces back together, will send a strong message to your daughter, of what she can attain to, if she chooses.
    I believe that domestic violence and controlling relationships have the same affect on people as substance abuse. Standards are lowered, people become shells of themselves.
    It is a horrible thing to watch.
    Both of my daughters have been in abusive relationships, both of them are on meth.
    I love them dearly.
    I love them enough to know my job now, is to try my very best to live well.
    I hope some day, the idea will rub off on them.
    My going down the tubes with them, does nothing for them, and robs me of my joy.
    I am glad you found us, Amy. I am sorry for your troubles and your aching Mommas heart.
    Please know you are not alone.
    There is a way up and out of the quicksand.
    One small step at a time.
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  4. Triedntrue

    Triedntrue Active Member

    This is not a situation i am overly familiar with. I had a roommate in college who married a guy who went to church with her seemed sweet and kind until they married and he took over. Started hitting taking drugs etc. She left several times but kept going back. Her father had abused her mother until she and her brothers grew up and put a stop to it. That is what made it hard to understand. Anyway I went to visit and talked to her she was staying because her church doesn't believe in divorce. I talked to her honestly and talked her into talking to her minister. He talked her into leaving. Is there someone else removed from the situation but that she respects that might intervene . my roommate wouldn't listen to anyone close. I think because the abuser works to alienate those close to her. Thus the 3 hour distance. She later married a good guy and had 2 kids.
  5. newstart

    newstart Active Member

    Amy2355, Your post really touched me. I could have written it except I do not have the grandchildren. How old is your daughter? What makes your situation so hard is that you both were close and you really miss her, I very much understand the pain involved with that.
    My daughter age 35 is involved with a 1/2 ass boyfriend. My husband and I can not tolerate him one bit, I have no idea what my daughter sees in him, and like your daughter, he is horrible influence. My daughter was doing ok before he came into the picture. My daughter got PG but had a miscarriage. Right now my daughter is in the middle of losing everything over this 1/2 ass boyfriend. I asked my daughter the other day what it is about him that she finds so wonderful and she never answered me. He is the type of person that I would never have in my life, he does not give eye contact, does not say hi or bye, well you get the picture. I do miss the good times I had with my daughter but since she has been with him she has changed so much to the worse. I study how to detach on a regular basis. I do understand that nothing can take the place of your adult child but finding things that give satisfaction sure does help.

    Someone told me this a long time ago and I think it has some merit. Your daughter needs you as much as you need her' There is some truth in that.

    I feel so much deep down disgust at my daughter for choosing such a horrible mate that working on detachment maybe a bit easier. Sometimes I think my daughter stays with him out of rebellion of me. My daughter is about to lose her home, car and everything else because of their 'togetherness'. They can't move ahead because they fight all the time.

    I try hard to fill my days with all kinds of stuff but I know it does not replace my relationship with my daughter. I personally would never date a guy that was disrespectful to my parents, what part of that red flag does my daughter not see?

    This is some of the stuff I do to calm my ache of missing my daughter.
    1. Take time to sit in the sun, even for 20 minutes. It heals my soul.
    2. Hold animals and feel their love.
    3. Cry and cry hard and loud.
    4. Try to wear something nice and comfortable that you feel nice in.
    5. When I shower I invision my pain going down the drain.

    I hope you have 5 suggestiongs for this broken hearted momma.
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  6. ForeverSpring

    ForeverSpring Well-Known Member

    The SO can change everything. If the SO doesn't like you, everything changes. My story is...

    We adopted a beautiful, brilliant boy from Asia at age six. So maybe it's different as he came to the U.S. so late and never really got the hang of family since he was in an orphanage.. He was kind to us, although distant and strange in some ways...he proposed marriage to his adopted sister and she freaked out because SHE understood family. He was dead serious. She told him, not nicely, that she is his SISTER and that it was gross and that the fact that they were not biologically connected did NOT change this. They had been close friends before that but that scared her. Of course Daughter was adopted as a baby and we were her family. We still are. Love that girl.

    But he stayed in touch with all of us even when his sister told him off and none of us knew for years about him doing proposing as he didn't tell and Daughter wanted to save his place in the family. Plus she was embarrassed about it and just wanted it to blow over. She had a serious boyfriend and is still with him.

    Back to Son. At 28 he met and married an older woman who wanted him to herself. She was Chinese like him and I don't think she accepted us as his family. And she probably also picked up on his fondness for his Asian sister whom we adopted as a baby (big difference adopting a baby and a six year old)
    Anyway she wanted all of us out of his life and he complied. I don't blame her for his defection. He is brilliant and a millionaire now and has a mind of his own. He chose her over us and that was that. I haven't seen him since after his marriage and he is now 40. I had to go to two years of therapy to grieve him and took great solace in my husband and four other loving kids. Eventually I met him once more at a church and both he and wife were very vile. It was the final closire I needed. I could see he had never attached to us the right way. This is common when you adopt an older child and that was my calm let go point.

    Many adult kids choose a SO over family for many reasons, temporarily for some. We can't stop it even if we think it's abusive. My son has two kids I never met but I learned not to think of them as grandkids as I never met them. I have precious grands I didn't see and love. I am lucky in my life, in spite of this experience.

    Life is hard. We learn from every hardship. A lot.

    I am sorry for your situation. You just have to wait it out and see if this goes on or stops. After all the hurt my son put me through and all the time lapsed without a word I don't want to see him again and my other kids would never accept him....it would not work. I count my blessings every day. I have so many. But he is not going to ever be one of them. I hope he has been able to love his children. He had trouble attaching to people due to his neglect in his early years.

    Love and light.
    Last edited: Mar 22, 2018
  7. Amy2355

    Amy2355 New Member

    Wow… Thank you all for the very heartfelt conversation. It is so sad that so many of us have the same story. Truly breaks my heart, but I am also happy that I found this site!

    I have 2 grandsons.
    W. is 5 and I love that kid more than my life! He’s, sweet, funny, smart and just so damn cute!

    L. is just 5 months and I miss him something terrible, I haven’t gotten to see him or my daughter Since Jan. 15.

    One thing I am truly blessed with is my husband, I am truly lucky to have him always by my side and he’s there always for me to cry on. But I just can’t do that all the time, if he sees me upset or depressed he tries to make me feel better, but I always worry that he will get mad at her, that he will say something, and then she will be upset with him too. I don’t know why I fear that ( I guess maybe because I think well if she hates me, I don’t want her to hate him) strange I know. I’ve always been the “fixer” I am MOM I handle it all, dad only comes in if Mom needs him. Lol. We ( me and hubby) tell ourselves that can’t fix this, we didn’t do anything wrong, we raised our daughter very good, this isn’t because if US or anything that we did. I tell myself that over n over and I do believe it, but it doesn’t take this pain away that I feel. If it were JUST her, this would hurt I know, but I would maybe think K. is a lot like me, she will be ok.. But the fact that I can’t see my grandkids also is the worst. I just don’t understand.

    Of course my daughter would say that I am Crazy, I don’t know my boundaries, she is fine and I need to stop. She also says she isn’t keeping my grandkids from me, Jan. 15 was the last time I have seen L. I see W. only because his dad brings him over( thank God) .

    Thank you all So much for all the wonderful responses and I am going to read all the different articles you all suggested, and I have been thinking seriously about going to a counselor for myself.
  8. Amy2355

    Amy2355 New Member

    I made the decision that I am not going to call/text/message my daughter anymore. pretty much for the last week I have sent her a text daily asking to speak to my grandson and she hasn't responded to me once.
    if I just knew WHY!! why is she treating us this away? I wish she would just tell me, I just don't understand! in the past I've told her that's fine if she doesn't want to speak to me, it hurts, but I cant change it, but its never been this bad. now she's 3 hours away, I worry so much about her and the boys.
    this is NOT my daughter, shes acting like a someone I don't know. I know its wrong to blame it all on her loser boyfriend but I do. I have never hated someone as much as I do him.
    today is just a bad day.
  9. Triedntrue

    Triedntrue Active Member

    I am so sorry that she is treating you this way. I know you must be very worried about both her and your grandsons. I have spent a lot of time wondering if my son is ok. Is there anyone you know that she might have spoken to that you could call and assure yourself that all is well. Then you could at least know? Prayers are with you.
  10. newstart

    newstart Active Member

    Amy2355 My heart feels broken for you. Years ago when my daughter was so disrespectful I took her to therapy and during therapy I made my mind up to not have anything to do with her for a long time. My daughter was 28 at the time and I knew I could not tolerate her nonsense any longer. I cut myself out of her life completely even taking my voice off of my answering machine. After about 3 months we started to talk a little and it made a huge impression on her, after that she would tell me she was sorry right away or else I could totally detach from her again. I mean it was total detachment, she would try to call me from other peoples phones and I would not answer.
    My daughter asked her dad if I would ever talk to her again and he said he did not know. It was the hardest thing I have ever had to do but in reality it was the best because it taught her I was not her push over anymore and God knows I was for a long time.

    I am at a point now where I have to do it again. My daughter has pushed me to that point. My daughter has done things that hurt me deep down, things that are not acceptable to me. I have to have enough self respect to not allow that kind of abuse from anyone especially her. This time my cut off will not be so painful. The first time I cried everyday 3 times a day. I don't understand this awful behavior but I don't want to tolerate it either.
    I have to fill my days with other things and it is so hard because I love my daughter so much and want togetherness with her but she has grown to be someone I would walk a mile from to avoid.

    If I continued allowing her abuse I would have a horrible future. I have been praying for strength to satisfy my need to have a relationship with her, it is the strongest need I have and I have to work on trying to take the edge off of it. I know and understand the strength and love that comes from a close relationship and I so desire that with my daughter and I have to realize she does not desire that with me. I feel rejected, hurt to the core, and so sad, yet there is a small part of me that is screaming out saying I want to save my life and not be hurt day after day. I want to enjoy other members of my family and it is hard to do when I am in continued agony over how awful my daughter is to me.

    This pain is undiscribible, it is an ache in the pit of my soul yet even more painful. I get over whelmed with sorrow because it feels like a death but I am reading the detachment post everyday and it does give me strenth. If you lived close I would hug you tight and let you know you are not walking on this dark journey alone. I am so sorry.
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  11. Amy2355

    Amy2355 New Member

    I hate that we all are going through this,one day at a time. that's what I keep telling myself.

    I come from a very large family, 7 brothers and 7 sisters and we are ALL close. that's how I was raised, family and this is just so not what I know.

    For me driving is the worst time, I daydream about pulling in the drive way and seeing her vehicle home and my garage full of her stuff,Or just getting that late night call of Mom, I'm sorry, will you come and get me, just her waking up and leaving the loser for good.

    I tell myself I have to keep going, no matter how much it hurts,that she will be back. she has to hit that rock bottom and finally know he's not good .
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  12. newstart

    newstart Active Member

    Amy2355, I am trying so hard to detach. My daughter's boyfriend is about as awful as they come. I try each day to find things about him that are ok, one thing he has not hit her. I call this a miracle because she can push someone to that level quickly. I have seen her with black eyes before, years ago and when I ask her what happened she would make up some BS. she would not tell me the truth because then she would have to tell me what lead up to that and I am sure she was the cause. How old is your daughter? If you added more to your signature we all could get a better picture on what to say.
    My daughter is 35, soon to be 36. For some reason I am having an easier time detaching these last few weeks..
    My daughter's boyfriend is someone that I would avoid. My husband says he is sneaky, I think he is severe ADHD with no social skills. My daughter and her friends think he is above average in his looks, and at one time, if you did not know his personality you would think he was a good looking guy but since I know his personality so to me he has nothing attractive at all. Personality is everything. No matter what the shell looks like, with a great personality they are the best looking person in the world.
    I have seen my daughter date very good looking intelligent men. It does not last. She has been with her 1/2 ass boyfriend a man her dad and I do not approve of for over 8 years off and on. I believe in my heart that he is still in love with his ex girlfriend. I know this through mothers intuition. I have seen pictures of the ex and she looks like a nice girl. She probably could not put up with his nasty self any longer. The ex was his style and I wished they could have worked it out.
    I have to work on healthy detachment everyday. I know the value of a close relationship, I know the strength that comes from that, I know how each person can benefit deeply from such a bond but I have to realize it takes 2 to make that bond happen and it is so painful when you want that bond and the other person is destroying it. This walk is hard, very hard. I am learning to fill that need. Today I cleaned all the fans in the house, I went outside and cleaned the outside fans too and as the dirt came off I invisioned the dirt coming off my pain, that is what is helping me right now, deep cleaning and as I deep clean, my soul is getting a deep cleaning. I hope you are doing something, anything that is healing for you.
  13. Amy2355

    Amy2355 New Member

    Another holiday passes and I didn't get to see my grandkids:( of course I have their baskets and will keep them until I do see them. I was Shocked when I sent her a text and she answered me, I had asked her if she was coming to Easter, and she said No the weather is to bad. of course I then said I'd like to talk to Will and she never responded to me .
    yesterday I had her dad text her and see if she would respond to him, She did! she told him that she is fine and that she is done dealing with me, it has nothing to do with him.
    done with me.... wow that really hurt:( I swear, we used to be so close, before POS boyfriend came into her life.
    he asked her to let him call us last night and of course that didn't happen.
    its just all so freaking crazy!!!!
    so I guess I just stay on the same path I'm on.
  14. newstart

    newstart Active Member

    Amy2355 I am so sorry. I know your heart is torn in a thousand pieces. I can remember several times my daughter completely ignoring me when she was with a boyfriend, and if I was around them together she was horribly mean to me. For my own nerves, I just left her alone. I think the pain would be triple if there was a grandchild involved. When I completely let go of my daughter, that is when she started to miss me and try to work things out with me, I had to completely back off. Each persons time table is different. I kept reminding myself of the words a friend once told me 'Your daughter needs you as much as you need her'. I think my daughter gets so busy with her own life, her own 1/2 ass boyfriend, her own stuff that time just goes by and I don't fit in her life sometimes. I make peace with this, even though there have been times in the past that our relationship did work. It truly is an odd feeling to be completely ingnored by your own daughter. I know there is nothing that can replace a relationship, no matter how we try to fill the void, the void is as big as the universe, but I have to give her that space and time. I have told my daughter many times that I do not want to be in a relationship with anyone that does not want to be in one with me. It has to be two people wanting to be together.. It is horribly hard to want this union and the other person does not. My daughter and I are off and on because of her disorder. Our relationship is based on her moods. Last night we had a great time shopping, laughed enjoyed each others company, bought some quality cheese, we both love to experiment with new cheeses, and had a great time. Today she may wake up and decide she can't stand me, she may try to hurt my feelings or say something very mean. It is off and on, if she knows she is going to be very mean, she tries to ignore me because I do have the strength to blow her off for longer periods of time. I tell her that people can and should be nice to each other EVERY DAY. I know that people can have peace and harmony with each other everyday, all the time even when tensions run high, you can still be kind and respectful.. I remember my grandmother and me, we had peace, harmony, good will, laughter each and everyday, I know it is possible.. Sometimes my husband can get a bit testy and I have to remind him that peace and harmony are gifts that you can enjoy everyday. I wish you peace and harmony with yourself and with those you love, send your daughter love through meditation or prayer or telepathy... My mom is not a phone person, she just does not want to talk on the phone and each time I call her she says 'just call me on the ESP line' she says she can hear me on that line better. I have started doing that to my daughter when she is being highly ugly. I will ignore her and send her love through prayer.
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  15. Alejandra

    Alejandra New Member

    Well back here for comfort I guess and I couldn’t help but read a little of your story but is different because we have no intention to let our daughter back in our home and of course is hard and painful but is a boundarie will keep because is always the same drama , really how can she not see it?!! We are again with the same issue with our daughter with borderline personality disorder and bipolar and drug addiction but she started her recovery a little more than a year ago, she is working a full time job where she is doing great but of course now everything is falling apart (as always with her) because she decided to move in with her 55 year old boyfriend that of course I knew was just with her because after she got hit by a car, he knew she was getting some money, which she did and give that to him ( of course) he went an got a car under his name and promise her to transfer the title under her name but things start not going well between then and he ask her for $2000 to transfer the title and she did give him the money! Now he left with the car supposedly to Vegas and she is texting and calling saying she needs to get out of their place for her own safety ...really? Same story with the boyfriend she had before this one and that’s how she end up homeless so...here we go again and my question is...do I even bother to respond to her messages or phone calls? I’m trying myself very hard not to go back into my coedepency behaviors , I have learned to detach with love but sometimes is hard and I don’t know if I should respond or just ignore her....is my daughter and is painful but we have gone down this road so many times because of her wrong choices , I don’t know what else to say to her because she does not take responsibility of her choices, she always said that she is justify for what she does. I don’t want to be unloving or uncaring but what can I do, there is really nothing I can do, she is an adult and should take care of her life and not get me involved...
  16. Acacia

    Acacia Active Member

    Boy, oh boy can I related to this. My 37 year old borderline daughter has the same pattern or not listening or wanting guidance but wanting to be rescued every time she chooses another loser for a boyfriend. Now there are grand kids, too. I stepped in and spent thousands of dollars, rescued, took her in, bailed her out of jail, and on, and on. He gratitude was always only momentary. I finally said enough - that I love her, but I can't keep rescuing her. When she left the last abuser and asked to move back home, I said no, and I meant it. She cut off all contact with me, and says I'll never see her or the grandchildren again. As much as it hurts, I can live with that if it means being free of the abuse, disrespect, and disregard for me.

    For all the parents who have done their best, and for all of us who are imperfect, which is everyone, you deserve to protect yourself, to be kind to yourself, to set boundaries, and to use your resources to take care of yourself. That's not selfish or unloving. It's healthy self-interest.
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  17. Alejandra

    Alejandra New Member

    Well if only she will do that and have no contact I will feel better because like you said it means being free, I mean how many more times she is going to repeat the same story ...and then the manipulation starts is just so exhausting ! I did said to her ...I can’t keep rescuing you and according to her that’s no rescuing is helping family ...did you forget how many times we did “help” ?!!! Lol. No more period, I just wish she wouldn’t contact me for her drama but I can’t control what she does only how I react ...is just so scary to think that she can end up on the streets again ...
  18. ForeverSpring

    ForeverSpring Well-Known Member

    Helping family goes both ways. Does your daughter make sure you are okay, help with the lawn and heavy chores, ask about your bills, cook you great meals that she paid for?

    This "it's family" is garbage. What they mean is you are obligated to take care of them with no strings. And they don't even often call to ask how we are doing without an ulterir motive.

    More respectful adult kids do call to ask if they can help or to.just tell us about their days. Failure to launch kids are Peter Pans.

    You can choose to not answer phone calls or read texts from her unless you're in the right frame of mind for drama.
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  19. Alejandra

    Alejandra New Member

    Exactly! None of that happens and the times on the past that we have help her financially we still waiting for her to pay back...so entitled! I’m glad I join this group because I find people that said it how it is and definetly makes me feel better... I just think is sad that there is no way to have a healthy relationship with her, because she starts the manipulation and not respecting boundaries, so keeping my distance is the only way...
  20. Amy2355

    Amy2355 New Member

    I really wish I could do that. just not answer her calls ( when she does call) but I can't. I so miss her so much and just my daughter back. I want her to be happy and be who I know she is. I have this constant hurt feeling in my chest when I look at pictures, when I am driving, its just crazy.

    I did get to see my oldest grandson this weekend, that was GREAT, made me feel SO GOOD TO SEE HIM.!

    my daughter stayed in town at her G ma house ( no call to me or anything) funny thing that happened, when I was taking Will back to his dads house Saturday his dad started telling me some stuff the loser boyfriend had said Friday night when he dropped William off.

    One thing was he told him he found a text on my daughters phone to ME that she was sorry and wanted to come home, etc.
    I never got that text! believe me I'd been there with the police getting her ( police only there to stop me from kicking his ass...LOL)

    on one hand that made me happy, I thought is that true?!?!?! Maybe she was forming a text to me and he found it, I don't know..... but maybe.
    maybe I should reach out just with a common question and see if she responds. ( and yes I did) no response as of yet.
    Then since ability comes in and I think Amy you know he is lying, that is what he does, that is all he does, don't do this to yourself!! but its there and now that is what's consuming me.
    I don't know how to break the tie with her and not see my grandkids, I'm not willing to not see them, I will use whatever $ I have to fight for my rights as a grand parent and see them.