The Door

[New Leaf]

Hello dear friends,
Well. I have gone contrary to my closed door policy. Tornado fell off the wagon weeks ago and didn’t make curfew to her sober living arrangement. She got the boot. I got the call from management and had to deal with that old rollercoaster ride. Tornado did text me, asking if I would help her retrieve her things. I didn’t respond, I was too upset, and yes, angry.
Although she made this mistake, she did not follow her usual pattern of going back to the streets and off the radar.
Something new happened.
She contacted her PO and counselor, fessed up, went back to her court ordered classes. She attended her weekly court hearing and the judge gave her a chance to get back on track, with the stipulation that she find another clean and sober home and follow through with her probation requirements.
She ended up coming up to the house and we talked. It seems that she is trying her best to move forward. She explained to me that she was determined to make things right and she was not on the streets, but staying at a friends house and that it was not a good environment as people were still using there. Despite this, she has remained sober.
Feelings. Lots of feelings.
Here comes the delusional mother.
I confess.
I drove her to that house to pick up her things and brought her home. Temporarily, until her appointment with the clean and sober home.
That appointment was yesterday, and she was accepted. She will go there to live on Friday. Fingers crossed and prayers going up.
She has been waking up early in the morning to go to meetings and classes. She has been coming back in the afternoon. She has been on the phone having animated conversations. I remarked that she has a lot of friends checking in with her and she said for the first time she has reached out to mentors from her meetings and classes and that is making a big difference.
So, here we are at this juncture.
I am hoping that she will continue on this pathway, apprehensive of having her here, but also noting that she is making an effort. Actions speak louder than words.
I am talking regularly with my granddaughter and we are sharing concerns and my thought process. My two well daughters are not happy with this arrangement, fearful that Tornados past history will rear its ugly head again.
Am I crazy? Possibly.
But here I am. Hoping and praying that this time, this time is different. It is, she is showing by her actions so far, that she wants sobriety. It could all change in an instant. I don’t think my love can save her, but I do think a kind gesture of letting her stay here for a couple of days may make a difference. I may be wrong, but I am taking that chance.
Prayers going up that she stays the course this time.
Love to all
Leaf
Maybe “Old Leaf”
Hopefully not.
Sigh

 

[lovemysons]

New Leaf…
You are such a kindhearted soul.

I don’t think you are backsliding. I think you are giving her a temporary opportunity to stay away from bad influences which she has expressed to you are a concern of hers.

She appears to really want sobriety this time. Fessing up and taking an honest look at herself is huge in my opinion. She is doing things differently.

I think you’re in good shape as long as you don’t find yourself wanting her sobriety more than she does.

I pray she continues to take these baby steps towards a sober lifestyle and new way of living.

Hugs and love,
LMS

 

[Nandina]

New Leaf,

No need to ’fess up, as we all have our own limits and past history with our wayward kids and I don’t think anyone’s way is right or wrong, or the best. With the caveat that you are not enabling. And you clearly know your limits on that and have held them strong.

I think this is wonderful news and I feel it with good reason. I had started counseling about four months before my son passed and my counselor at one time told me we had done everything we could for our son. And truly, we had. At that time the ball was in his court to want to get well. I wrote about it here. But, she did say that when my son was actively seeking help and was enrolled in a mental health or drug treatment program, that was the time to let him be a part of our lives.

So we waited and every time I would speak to my son I would tell him, “we can help you when you are seeking help for yourself.” I said it dozens of times. And he finally did. But he had difficulty finding places that accepted his insurance and some other issues, such as he had been clean too long to qualify for drug treatment. Wow—two whole months of sobriety—that one was hard to take.

So with my counselor’s support, we decided to do a trial period with my son staying here just on weekends. The rules were, he had to stop living on the streets and stay at the shelter during the week. Of course, he had to meet with his probation officer every week and attend any court dates, etc. and start taking medications again. I helped take him to his appointments. His mental health was such that he wasn’t healthy enough for a regular job but he very much wanted to work. Once his mental health was under control, that would have been a next step.

As I‘ve said on the forum, things were working the best they have since he left home 5 years ago after turning 18. He was helpful, kind, hard-working, took initiative on his own to do things, and we were so proud of him and the man he was becoming.

Of course we know the outcome, but unfortunately, he made a bad choice due to his addiction and did drugs after having been sober for several months.

New Leaf, I think you know as her mother, better than anyone, if your daughter seems ready for change. I think you are right to do what is in your heart. Tornado has been at this a long time. It sounds like she is ready. The hard part is the uncertainty, of whether she will stick with it—the doubt. But I hope you won’t concern yourself with that and just take it a day and a step at a time.

I pray that this is the start of a new lifestyle for her…and you. It’s time to be able to enjoy Tornado for the beautiful soul that you know she is, and sober. And that she can truly feel the love that you have so deep in your heart for her. Praying for your strength.

Love, Nandina

 

[Copabanana]

she was accepted. She will go there to live on Friday.

Wonderful

She has been waking up early in the morning to go to meetings and classes. She has been coming back in the afternoon.

Wonderful.

fearful that Tornados past history will rear its ugly head again.

It might.

she is showing by her actions so far, that she wants sobriety. It could all change in an instant.

It could.

In the 8 years that we've been together here New Leaf, you've never written a post like this. Two things can be true at one time.
There is hope. But there is the reality it could change, that she relapses.

Such is the nature of our situation. We are Fiddlers on the Roof. The best it gets for us is on the cusp, between hope and loss. It doesn't get better than that. The only way to do this is minute by minute.

We need to stay in right now.
Right now it is good.
There is no other way to do this.
I think you've done the right thing.
You love her.
She is your daughter.
There is hope.
It's right to hope.
The Chinese have the same word for crisis and opportunity.
We have to stand in crisis to arrive at hope.
There is no other way to do this. That I know of.
Closing down? To be in a place where everything is "no?"
To be with hope.
This takes superhuman courage.
You have that.
Your name is New Leaf.

 

[newstart]

Hello dear friends,
Well. I have gone contrary to my closed door policy. Tornado fell off the wagon weeks ago and didn’t make curfew to her sober living arrangement. She got the boot. I got the call from management and had to deal with that old rollercoaster ride. Tornado did text me, asking if I would help her retrieve her things. I didn’t respond, I was too upset, and yes, angry.
Although she made this mistake, she did not follow her usual pattern of going back to the streets and off the radar.
Something new happened.
She contacted her PO and counselor, fessed up, went back to her court ordered classes. She attended her weekly court hearing and the judge gave her a chance to get back on track, with the stipulation that she find another clean and sober home and follow through with her probation requirements.
She ended up coming up to the house and we talked. It seems that she is trying her best to move forward. She explained to me that she was determined to make things right and she was not on the streets, but staying at a friends house and that it was not a good environment as people were still using there. Despite this, she has remained sober.
Feelings. Lots of feelings.
Here comes the delusional mother.
I confess.
I drove her to that house to pick up her things and brought her home. Temporarily, until her appointment with the clean and sober home.
That appointment was yesterday, and she was accepted. She will go there to live on Friday. Fingers crossed and prayers going up.
She has been waking up early in the morning to go to meetings and classes. She has been coming back in the afternoon. She has been on the phone having animated conversations. I remarked that she has a lot of friends checking in with her and she said for the first time she has reached out to mentors from her meetings and classes and that is making a big difference.
So, here we are at this juncture.
I am hoping that she will continue on this pathway, apprehensive of having her here, but also noting that she is making an effort. Actions speak louder than words.
I am talking regularly with my granddaughter and we are sharing concerns and my thought process. My two well daughters are not happy with this arrangement, fearful that Tornados past history will rear its ugly head again.
Am I crazy? Possibly.
But here I am. Hoping and praying that this time, this time is different. It is, she is showing by her actions so far, that she wants sobriety. It could all change in an instant. I don’t think my love can save her, but I do think a kind gesture of letting her stay here for a couple of days may make a difference. I may be wrong, but I am taking that chance.
Prayers going up that she stays the course this time.
Love to all
Leaf
Maybe “Old Leaf”
Hopefully not.
Sigh

Sincere prayers that things have finally turned around. Please God, hear our prayers.

 

[Crayola14]

It sounds like there is hope.

 

[Deni D]

Dear New Leaf ~ This really is different from the past. True, she might not make it all the way through this time, but it's obvious she's making it further into sobriety. With everything that's gone on with your family it amazes me how clear headed and steady you are able to stay with decisions and actions.

Lots of prayers going up for you and your family.

 

[Fairy dust]

I like how you titled your post”The Door”. Maybe she is finally seeing it and enters a new room And changes her life. She is so fortunate to have you as a Mom. Hoping that the universe will be good to you both.

 

[Copabanana]

What's up, New Leaf?

 

[New Leaf]

Hi all,
First of all, I was brought to tears with your kind responses. Thank you so much. Being in this position is a leap of faith and feels a bit like putting my neck on the proverbial chopping block.

I don’t think you are backsliding. I think you are giving her a temporary opportunity to stay away from bad influences which she has expressed to you are a concern of hers.

Thank you LMS, that has been my intention, not to enable, but to help within reason.

She appears to really want sobriety this time. Fessing up and taking an honest look at herself is huge in my opinion. She is doing things differently.

She is and I am proud of her progress so far. She has been consistent these few days in following through with her classes and meeting with her PO.

I pray she continues to take these baby steps towards a sober lifestyle and new way of living.

I am praying for this as well. Thank you LMS for reaching out, I know your plate is extremely full and it means a lot to me.

No need to ’fess up, as we all have our own limits and past history with our wayward kids and I don’t think anyone’s way is right or wrong, or the best. With the caveat that you are not enabling. And you clearly know your limits on that and have held them strong.

Thank you Nandina. Glad you are back here! I have to be cautious not to relapse myself, into enabling that is. Fortunately, there is much help for Tornado to achieve goals towards sobriety and she is learning to avail herself of that, instead of trying to depend on my resources.

At that time the ball was in his court to want to get well. I wrote about it here. But, she did say that when my son was actively seeking help and was enrolled in a mental health or drug treatment program, that was the time to let him be a part of our lives.

This is my feeling as well, that if my daughters are actively seeking help to be sober, I will be here for them. I told my well kids that if their sister is proving with her actions that she is making effort to be sober, how can I ignore that? I cannot.

He was helpful, kind, hard-working, took initiative on his own to do things, and we were so proud of him and the man he was becoming.

I am so glad for you and your husband that you were able to see the changes your son made. It is definitely a blessing to get a glimpse of the light that shines within our adult children after so many years of knowing what they are capable of, if they make good choices.

Of course we know the outcome, but unfortunately, he made a bad choice due to his addiction and did drugs after having been sober for several months.

I’m so sorry Nandina. Life can be so difficult.

New Leaf, I think you know as her mother, better than anyone, if your daughter seems ready for change. I think you are right to do what is in your heart. Tornado has been at this a long time. It sounds like she is ready. The hard part is the uncertainty, of whether she will stick with it—the doubt. But I hope you won’t concern yourself with that and just take it a day and a step at a time.

One day, one step at a time. I will help her get ready for her move to the sober house this afternoon. There, she will continue to have classes and curfew and be with other folks on this journey. Hopefully she will stick to the program. I am grateful the she has these resources available to her. I wish the same could have been for your son.

I pray that this is the start of a new lifestyle for her…and you. It’s time to be able to enjoy Tornado for the beautiful soul that you know she is, and sober. And that she can truly feel the love that you have so deep in your heart for her. Praying for your strength.

Thank you so much.

In the 8 years that we've been together here New Leaf, you've never written a post like this. Two things can be true at one time.
There is hope. But there is the reality it could change, that she relapses.

So true, Copa. I have not seen this side of Tornado for a long time.

Such is the nature of our situation. We are Fiddlers on the Roof. The best it gets for us is on the cusp, between hope and loss. It doesn't get better than that. The only way to do this is minute by minute.

You are correct. Minute by minute. Copa, you are a poet.

We need to stay in right now.
Right now it is good.
There is no other way to do this.
I think you've done the right thing.
You love her.
She is your daughter.
There is hope.
It's right to hope.
The Chinese have the same word for crisis and opportunity.
We have to stand in crisis to arrive at hope.
There is no other way to do this. That I know of.
Closing down? To be in a place where everything is "no?"
To be with hope.
This takes superhuman courage.
You have that.
Your name is New Leaf.

Thank you Copa for your kind and powerful words. I truly appreciate your wisdom. My two well daughters have shut down, it is a “no” for them. I understand their reservations and concerns on engaging with their sister at this point. They want more “proof”, more time to test whether or not Tornado will stick to the program. They fear she will slip back and act out as before. Relapse is a possibility, of course. But, Tornado has for the first time, been taking the necessary steps to get back on track. She has not begged to live with me, she knows she has to go to the sober house. Only time will tell what the outcome will be, but, I am thinking about Viktor Frankl and his view of raising the bar for people, to see them as how they could be. To see their light and potential.

Sincere prayers that things have finally turned around. Please God, hear our prayers.

Thank you Newstart. Prayers are powerful.

It sounds like there is hope.

Crayola, I think there is always hope. The hard part is knowing it, but dealing with the consequences of bad choices. Knowing when to step back, let go and let God, when to step in and learning to guard our hearts at the same time. Where there is life, there is hope.

This really is different from the past. True, she might not make it all the way through this time, but it's obvious she's making it further into sobriety. With everything that's gone on with your family it amazes me how clear headed and steady you are able to stay with decisions and actions.

Lots of prayers going up for you and your family.

Thank you so much Deni. It is different from the past and the past is not that far behind. I am hoping that she does make it through, but relapse will always be looming. So, I have to be prepared either way. I have to continue to work on my own recovery from years of dealing with my two’s addiction. I try to be clear headed, but have my moments.

I like how you titled your post”The Door”. Maybe she is finally seeing it and enters a new room And changes her life. She is so fortunate to have you as a Mom. Hoping that the universe will be good to you both.

Fairy, thank you for sharing this viewpoint. I have often mentioned my home having a revolving door when my two would come and go bringing drama and chaos with them, as we struggled to “help” them. My resolve to close that door coincided in 2015 with my joining CD. Hubs and I had gone through years of rearranging our home for Tornado and our grands, as well as Rain, but things only spiraled downward, for all of us.
There were many times when Tornado would beg to come home, but I had promised myself and my son, that that would not happen. It was not easy, but at the time, it was the right thing. She was not ready to change her life, just wanted a place to stay to continue as is. Not acceptable.
This time, I see that difference. The door opens for a short time while she works at what is required of her. I am hoping as you put it, that door will be a new room for change.
We go this evening to the sober home, that means that Tornado will have to keep resolve to remain sober. She will have to follow the rules and make curfew. She will have more freedom than rehab, which in the past has been her downfall. I am hoping her new circle of friends will help her in times of temptation, that she will continue to see that she is capable of having a good life. That she continues to put her faith and trust in God and remains prayerful.
Only time will tell.
I will try to remain in the present and be grateful for the gift and beauty of it.
Thank you dear friends for your love, kindness and prayers.
New Leaf

 

[Copabanana]

I am thinking about Viktor Frankl and his view of raising the bar for people, to see them as how they could be. To see their light and potential.

Yes.

She was not ready to change her life, just wanted a place to stay to continue as is

How well I know this place.

I am hoping her new circle of friends will help her in times of temptation, that she will continue to see that she is capable of having a good life

Amen.