First time

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by davey327, Jan 11, 2009.

  1. davey327

    davey327 Karen S

    We are the gaurdians of 5 1/2 year old twins, a boy and girl, who have just recently been diagnosed with ODD, the boy, and Anxiety issues, maybe some sensory issues, the girl, and possibly ADHD, both. I have done a lot of research already and had pretty much diagnosed them before we took them to start counselling. My question is, while we seem to have a pretty good handle on our anixious and sensory overloaded girl, our ODD boy has us somewhat stumped on how to handle him, this seems to be especially difficult on my husband who just wants to argue him down, and it doesn't work, just makes it worse and frustrates me immensely. Why is it men have such and easier time with girls and seem to expect so much out of the boys? Anyway, any advice would be more than welcomed.:confused:
  2. busywend

    busywend Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Welcome to the site! I am glad you found us.

    You say you are the guardians, what is their history like? Did they have loving parents? Are they able to attach to you?
  3. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Hi and welcome to the board. Are you adopting them? Have they had a chaotic few years? ODD rarely stands alone and pretty much means, "Ummmmmmmm, we don't know what's wrong." Also, if they are overly defiant and rage, it is likely they have a lot more going on than ADHD. You may want to do a signature like I did below. In the meantime I have some questions that can help us help you.

    1/Have they ever seen a neuropsychologist? They do the best, longest, and most intensive evaluations. I recommend them above all others.

    2/Are there any psychiatric disorders or substance abuse on either side of his genetic family tree, even if Dad hasn't seen him for a long time. Genes are genes. They get passed along even when the parents aren't around. Have they ever been abused? Abandoned? Neglected?

    3/How was his early development? I'll list the areas:
    eye contact with strangers
    did he play with toys appropriately or did he dismantle them, throw them or line them up?
    Any sensitivies to light, sound, noise?
    Can he transition from one activity to another?
    How did he and does he now relate to his same-age peers?
    Is he socially clueless?
    Any obsessions?
    Any strange noises or hand movements (arm flapping, lip smacking, high pitched vocalizations, turning lights on and off)
    How does he do in school?
    Can he hold a give-and-take conversation?

    Weekends are slow. Others will come along. __________________
    Me, over 21, mood disorder (bipolar II), anxiety disorder, mild Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD), NonVerbal Learning Disorder (NVLD)
    Hub over 21
    Son #1 31 severe anxiety/Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD), Lamictal, Xanax, CR, doing well (nice wife too)
    daughter #24 ex-drug addict, turned her life around, my best friend
    DS #14 Pervasive Developmental Disorder (PDD)-not otherwise specified, adopted at age 2, super kid, may need some help as adult
    daughter 12, Processing problems, Learning Disability (LD), social butterfly, big athlete, sensitive
    DS 31 Adopted from Hong Kong at 6, for reasons unknown no longer wants to see us
    Grandson-infant--Precious little Blue Eyes

  4. davey327

    davey327 Karen S

    OK. No we are not adopting, though would like to. Father left when they were 6 mos, drug and alcohol issues, Mom had multiple boyfriends after Dad left, drug and alcohol issues, first 23 mos speant with Mom, and us, Mom's household was a mess. She suffers from depression, is bipolar, is now doing pretty well, sees the kids every other weekend. Dad not been around for 3 mos. Have heard he may be doing some jail time. Boy goes to school and does okay, not great, has attention problems, argues with us a lot when we try to discipline, is sometimes aggresive, boy this is hard to put down in words, I don't like to see the words. Had no real problems as infant, has asthma, walked, talked normally, has been with us since 23 mos. Is loving and loveable, but argumenative, and NOTHING IS EVER HIS FAULT! The girlchild is homeschooled, seems to have seperation anxiety problems and I think sensory integration issues. She has frequest meltdowns when there is too much to handle, doesn't know what to do with her anger. I think they both have some genetic problems, plus problems caused by their parents leaving them. I don't know if that covers it enough, but it's a start. Oh, yes, the girls has noise issues, was slow at walking and talking, and everything else, but does well now.

    Me - over 21
    Hubby - over 21
    biodaughter - 24, married 3 yrs.
    son - almost 22, lives with-girlfriend
    twin1, girl - 5 1/2, anxiety, possible ADHD
    twin2, boy - same, ODD, ADHD
  5. navineja

    navineja New Member

    First, welcome!
    Wow, your story sounds almost exactly like ours. Our twins (now 7 1/2) came to us at 3yrs 3 mos from a chaotic, neglectful background. Unstable parents, in and out of prison, etc. N was very much like your son. Did basically well in school, but major anger and agression at home, argumentative, never at fault, even has asthma and attention problems! Kindergarten was not horrible, but not pleasant. First grade was a nightmare, with issues almost every day after school. We tried so many different things (too many to list right now), but finally things have become better. That said, know that there can be light at the end of the tunnel that is not a train!
    N still occasionally has a tantrum, but this may happen once every couple of months rather than once a day. She has really seemed to mature and wants to work at controlling to whatever extent she is able. I also have made adjustments that have helped (basket stuff- see the book "The Explosive Child").
    I hope that this helps. Others will be along to welcome you and your family. Take comfort in the fact that you are not alone and we all have been there done that in one way or another.
  6. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    I would have them evaluated by a neuropsychologist. Could the birthmother have used drugs when she was pregnant? Do the children know how to appropriately socialize with thier same age peers?
  7. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    Hi Davey, welcome!
    ODD kids LOVE to argue. It's their major hobby. :)
    I agree with-others, if you can get a copy of The Explosive Child, and get your husband to read it, it would help immensely. You two have got to be on the same page with-parenting.
    Your description sounds very familiar. And with-the history you described, you've got more than enough clues.
    Several people here have asked the same questions I was going to ask, so I can see we're all thinking along the same lines.
  8. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    Oh, one more thing.
    I just saw Marley and Me. There's a scene where the mom asks her kids if their homework is done. One of the boys says, Yes, and the other, No. She says, "Well, let's make that No a Yes," and they all obediently walk to another room to do their homework.
    I thought, Yeah, right! Like Real Life Kids really do that? HA!
  9. Sheila

    Sheila Moderator

    You may want to focus in real hard on bipolar disorder instead of ODD. Like most neurological disorders, bipolar tends to be genetic.

    If you haven't read a copy of The Bipolar Child, it may be a good resource for you.

    Welcome to the site!
  10. davey327

    davey327 Karen S

    Thanks to everyone who has responded. I am for sure going to buy a few of those books. Have already bought book about Fetal Alcohol Syndrome (FAS), yes, she drank and did drugs for the first few months, before she knew she was pregnant, and maybe sporadically during. Am currently reading an Anxiety book, but need an ODD one now. Have read some of the other posts and realize our problems are small compared to some.