Fooled by difficult child 1 once again

[janebrain]

Hi All,
well, let's hold our horses on the Navy thing. Yesterday I started to get suspicious. A package I had sent to E and Liam at their Seattle address was returned by the Post Office as "undeliverable." So, I thought, well, she isn't living there anymore so where is she going to go when she gets back to Seattle?

Then, I thought, what is this child care thing is too good to be true? I joined the Moms group at the Navy site and put out the question about child care while your dtr is in boot camp. I got a response that said if you are a single parent you cannot join the Navy and there was a link to the page of requirements and I saw it for myself.

So, either E is with Liam's father and is joining that way or she lied to the Navy and presented herself as a single woman without children (but then she wouldn't get the dependent benefits) or the whole thing is a sham. She seemed to have a lot of details about the recruitment process so I kind of think she may actually have joined.

I am trying to call her but haven't been able to reach her yet. I don't know if I will get the truth from her--but she'll have to scramble to come up with something. Bottom line though and I am putting this in writing to you I AM THROUGH SENDING MONEY and I am through having much contact with her.

I have been had once again, and I feel very foolish for being taken in again for the zillionth time. I am happy I have you guys to talk to because I know you know how I feel and what its like to have your difficult child lie to you over and over and yet you still get taken in sometimes.

Jane

 

[Star*]

Ahhhh Jane......

You know what? I don't know if you gets a cookie or if you gets a badge and secret membership handshake with a welcome to the club. The I am done for the zillionth time club. Somewhere in the deep recesses of your mind - HERE IS MY CHANCE to shine came beaming to the surface and once again like a true difficult child - they throw mud over it.

I think unless you are a psychic, or something like that - you will have hope as long as you have air. It just gets pushed back so far that eventually you determine for your own good - that EVERYTHING your child says is a lie and you just politely listen on the other end of the phone and sound optimistic while agreeing because it's easier to have a conversation where you agree instead of one where you say "YOU WHAT? YOU'RE an IDIOT, YOU'RE A LIAR." and then engage them in another meaningless conversation where in - YOU go to bed for three days and carry it with you or you decide NO MORE I MEAN IT." the bottom line is no matter what lie they throw at you? You'll always wish and hope there is some truth to it, because when THEY get off the phone? Their conscience is clear - They told you something you wanted to hear and they consider it mission accomplished. Remember they are masters of diversion and procrastination.

So - if it makes you feel any better? (shows secret handshake) -which at best is putting your thumb on your nose and waiving the rest of your fingers wildly until you feel compensated or ridiculous. Then let it go....put it in a bubble and let it go. (poof*)

I'm sorry you hurt - I know EXACTLY to the 10th power how you feel and where you are - but don't say you're done - because ....well because when you say that? Unless you STICK TO IT FOR LIFE? When you do come to her rescue again or talk to her again or ask about Liam - again? You'll feel like a failure because you gave in. Compromise with yourself and stick to the things you KNOW you can do....and let the rest just fall by the wayside, chalk it up to being the parent of a mentally disturbed child - and know you did the very best you could in the past, present and future.

I hear ya' sister loud and clear. HUGE hugs and love
Starbie - the I SHALL NEVER BE FOOLED AGAIN BARBIE -----she comes with earplugs, a blind fold, and a nose clip....(cause that's BOUT the only way you'll never be fooled again).

 

[witzend]

Jane, I'm so sorry. She's so unreliable in any story she presents, I don't know that I would even bother to seek her out to call her on it. Obviously the story's a lie, so it's going to come apart on her end, too. I'd wait for her to call me and then tell me the next lie. If it's still tangled up in this one, I'd tell her what I'd found out. I don't think I would tell her that I had gone online and figured it out, but maybe that a friend who had experience in this told me it was wrong and showed me the proof. That is, after all, true. If this lie has fallen by the wayside, and not too much time has passed, I'd tell her the same thing about a friend, and how disappointed you are that you feel that you can't believe anything she says, but she's got to start walking the walk, and you love her.

{{{{{{{{{{{{Big hugs}}}}}}}}}}}} for you and all.

 

[hearts and roses]

I'm so sorry Jane. You can't blame yourself for being fooled again - it happens because we love them and want to hold out for real joy when they seemingly do the right thing. I agree it is best not to say a thing about it but just do your best to not feed into it with her when/if she calls to recant her story.

I am wondering also if she joined without any intent to tell them about Liam - what a shame and I wonder also, what was she planning to do with him? I pray she's not back with the child's father, ugh.

Many many {{{{hugs}}}}

 

[janebrain]

Hi All,
I'm feeling somewhat better. I will tell her what I found out though---for my own sake. I want to let her know I know something is wrong with her story--at this point I can't just go along and pretend. But, I am starting to go back to my neutral point where I don't let her life get too entangled in mine and I will get there. I really do mean it though that I will not rescue her with any cash. I got a really good lesson--she had called me Monday night with a kooky story of being stuck in the middle of Wisconsin and needing cash to get to Seattle. She was crying, so upset with herself for making a bad decision, etc. I found out the next night that she had made all that up--she freely told me so. She supposedly was afraid I'd be mad at her if she told me the truth, which was that she had joined the Navy.

So, what I learned was something I knew before but now had real proof of: she can turn on the tears, be so remorseful, etc. at will. It is all an act. She is an extremely good actress. I don't think she can pull this on me again (at least not for a couple of years) because I really saw it this time. Before, I would suspect that was the case but there was always the little doubt--maybe she wasn't acting, maybe she really was this upset.

I also have to face the fact that she probably doesn't truly have the capability to care about me. She knows it is wrong to only call when she wants something (she even lamented the fact that she can't call just to talk, only when she needs help). But, looking back, if I am honest with myself, she really does almost always have an agenda when she calls. Sometimes it is just a "prep" call--pretending to call just to talk--but then I get another call the next day and she asks for something.

I've been wondering why she is being so conscientious about calling me each day since she has been on her way back to Seattle. I guess that was part of what got me suspicious. What does she want? Why is she being so "good'?

I sure am glad you guys are here. I'll update you when I do talk to her again. I do think I am smarter now--she caught me off guard but my guard is now up and I will try to keep it up. I think it will be a lifelong thing.

--Jane

 

[TerryJ2]

Ohh, Jane. I'm sorry.

We all do it.

Yes, it's a good idea not to send money. It's going to hurt ... especially with- a grandchild in mind, but you've got to do it.

It's so hard to accept the fact that she will probably never love you the way you typically understand love. But maybe "need" is love in her book, and at least you get to hear her voice. It is so hard. Her brain is wired so differently.

Many hugs.

 

[Suz]

sigh. I know that daggone secret handshake, too, unfortunately.

been there done that

We keep hoping we can trust them to tell the truth and it's so disappointing when they show they haven't changed.

Big hugs, Jane.

Suz

 

[donna723]

I'm so sorry you're going through all this once again/

I wish I had read it closer and put 2 and 2 together because I knew that about the Navy and it just didn't connect for me. I could have tipped you off. I don't know about the other branches of the military but the Navy has always had that rule. Our neighbors son was in the Navy and he married a woman who was also in the Navy. This woman had a little boy from a previous relationship and to join the Navy she had to sign over custody of her child to her parents. After they married, she was able to take custody again, even though they were both in the military. And my former bosses son had to leave the Navy when he was given custody of his four kids when he divorced their 'eccentric' mother. I hope it all works out and that you can figure out what's really going on!

 

[susiestar]

I am so sorry. This must hurt terribly. I hope that someday she can realize exactly what pain she inflicts on you by the way she lies and uses you. If she is that unable to think about anyone other than herself, maybe she has given Liam up to a safe home or had custody taken away and she really has joined the Navy. Though I know you would mourn loss of contact about your grandson, it might give him a chance at a healthier home. I just hope that she has not given custody to his father.

Whatever happens, please know that you did all that could be done to help her. The detachment you have and work on now is really the only healthy way to survive a relationship with her. I am so sorry it all has happened this way, and that it hurts you. Many hugs and prayers that whatever happens baby Liam is always safe and healthy in every way.

 

[Hound dog]

Jane............

They must have changed things, I guess.

My husband was a recruiter for the army. Put in several single mothers. All they had to do was something with custody of the child should anything happen to them. My mom had guardianship over my nephew while my sis was in the military.......she had him, Mom was her back up.

As long as they have a back up for the child, I've never known a branch of the military to turn down a single parent, female or otherwise......would be discrimination. Don't think they'd get away with it especially now days.

Just thought I'd toss that out there. But it is incredibly hard to be a single mother in the military, my sister would tell her in a heartbeat. There had to be sitters willing to take her son at the drop of a hat most times......sometimes for a couple of weeks at a time.

Sorry difficult child is pulling such stunts.

(((hugs)))

 

[DammitJanet]

I think the Navy and Marines are tougher on allowing single parents in because they can be on floats for months at a time. The Navy especially.

I know that even with my niece in the Army, she had to sign over custody of her child to her mom and that was years ago.

 

[GoingNorth]

During the Cold War years when husband served, the Army required that single parents AND dual military married couples BOTH have alternative custody planned out and verified in order to serve. It might've eased up some for that branch, as back in husband's day there were a LOT of deployments on very short notice and a lot of them were lengthened with no warning at all.

 

[DDD]

Just sending supportive thoughts your way. I think we all hold on to a little piece of hope that life will turn out the way we anticipated. Hugs. DDD

 

[susiestar]

The Navy does not seem to care if it is discriminating, they do not take single moms. I saw an episode of Mtv's 16 and Pregnant where the girl and her boyfriend both were in JROTC and planned to join the Navy. When they went to sign up the recruiter flat out said that she was not eligible because the baby. The boy had no problems joining but the girl was shut out completely. As this was shown on camera, with the recruiter openly stating the policy, it is most likely true. The Navy would have refused to permit it to be filmed, much less aired, if it was false.

I honestly don't think the military cares a whole lot about discrimination as long as there is some reason for the policy.

 

[witzend]

I honestly don't think the military cares a whole lot about discrimination as long as there is some reason for the policy.

Some reason like "sexism"?

 

[donna723]

Susie, in the show on MTV, did the girl have sole custody of the baby? Maybe that's why they let the boy join up and not the girl?

I know it works both ways though because a man who is a single parent is not allowed to be in the Navy either. I mentioned the son of my former boss before ... when he made the decision to divorce his nut-job wife and get custody of his four children, he did it knowing that he would be required to give up his career in the military. He really hated to do it but felt that the safety and well-being of his children had to come first. As far as I know, it's always been that way.

 

[jbrain]

I still haven't spoken to E--haven't been able to reach her. I did read up more on single parents and if she has given up custody temporarily (4 yrs) maybe she really is enlisting. While she has been traveling to Illinois and back to Seattle, Liam has been with the same friend, K, who took care of him when E went off on a drug bender some time ago. I have talked with this friend and she really seems to care about Liam (she can't have kids of her own). So, maybe this is what she has done.

I would much rather see him with K than to find out E is back with Liam's father. I'm hoping to find out soon, although who knows if I will get the truth?

Jane

 

[witzend]

Oh, my... I'm sorry.

 

[emotionallybankrupt]

Hi All,
I have been had once again, and I feel very foolish for being taken in again for the zillionth time.

I'm getting in a little late on this, and I'm not sure how I missed this thread. I'm so, so sorry, Jane. SOOO many times, I've felt foolish for allowing myself to be "taken" once again. Aren't they such good liars when they want to be? Logically, where's the fault in believing a believeable lie, especially from your CHILD whom you love and want so badly to trust? And...after all, the POTENTIAL for change is always there.

But I do the same thing as you, and it cuts both ways. First we "get it" from our difficult child, and then we "get it" by beating ourselves up, telling ourselves how stupid we have been. We really don't deserve such abuse.

I hope you are finding some way to be good to yourself today. Something you enjoy. Pamper yourself somehow. You deserve it!!

 

[SearchingForRainbows]

Jane,

I'm getting here late but just want to let you know I'm thinking of you... I can relate to what you said about having to accept the fact that difficult children might not be able to care about us the way we care about them. It is so sad. Lots of days I need a refresher course in Detachment 101! Many hugs... SFR