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For those of you with your difficult children
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<blockquote data-quote="meowbunny" data-source="post: 94051" data-attributes="member: 3626"><p>I do understand your desire to be a family in the traditional sense but the reality is even if you were in the best of health, you would be doing a disservice to kt and wm if you were. </p><p></p><p>He is not ready to be in a family setting. He needs the supports that his Residential Treatment Center (RTC) can give him. kt needs to know she is safe from him. At home, you cannot give him all the supports he has there. kt would not feel safe and, even more importantly, she would not be safe.</p><p></p><p>I remember when my daughter was in her Residential Treatment Facility (RTF). I would have to leave stores because it was too painful to see a mother and daughter together. My heart felt like it was breaking every time I saw pictures with children having fun. However, my mind understood that the best thing I could do for my child was make sure she was safe -- at that time, from herself. I could not protect her from her own actions. I wanted her home seconds after I dropped her off. I wanted her home as soon as I put one foot inside the house. I wanted her home the first day, week, month she was gone. </p><p></p><p>I felt cheated that we weren't doing what families did at holidays and vacations. Spending Christmas in a hotel so I could have dinner with her her and 30 other kids was not something I had ever dreamt would happen. </p><p></p><p>I felt I'd failed as a woman since I couldn't have children by childbirth; I'd failed as a wife because I couldn't convince my husband that having a child in the house wouldn't stop us from still being a couple; I failed in my profession because I couldn't be a mother to my daughter and concentrate at my work; and, then, ultimately, I failed as a mother because I had to send her to others to control her. It took a long time to get over these feelings of failure (and a very, very good therapist). I'm still a good woman even though I can't have biological chidlren. It was my husband's decision to end our marriage, the fact I wanted to adopt a child was only a part of the problem and it was HIS loss, not mine. I made a choice to put my daughter before my career and I haven't ever regretted making that choice. I am not just a good mom but a great mom because I loved my daughter enough to sacrifice my needs and wants so that she could get the help she needed.</p><p></p><p>Your sacrifices have been even greater. I knew my daughter would be coming home. You don't know if wm will ever be capable of adapting to a home environment. It really is okay to feel badly about this. It is not okay to put the blame on yourself. Blame his biological parents for the neglect and abuse they poured on these two innocents. They are the losers! They are why your son cannot live at home. Not because you didn't try everything in your power to save your children. And, as wm gets older, he will have to start shouldering some of the blame as well. He will be given the tools to make choices. What he does with those tools will be up to him. You cannot make those decisions for him. All you can do is guide him the best you can, whether that be from a distance or at home.</p><p></p><p>As much as possible, stand tall and be proud. Many have given up the fight and disrupted the adoption. You have fought long and hard for both of your children. You will continue to fight for them.</p><p></p><p>HUGS</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="meowbunny, post: 94051, member: 3626"] I do understand your desire to be a family in the traditional sense but the reality is even if you were in the best of health, you would be doing a disservice to kt and wm if you were. He is not ready to be in a family setting. He needs the supports that his Residential Treatment Center (RTC) can give him. kt needs to know she is safe from him. At home, you cannot give him all the supports he has there. kt would not feel safe and, even more importantly, she would not be safe. I remember when my daughter was in her Residential Treatment Facility (RTF). I would have to leave stores because it was too painful to see a mother and daughter together. My heart felt like it was breaking every time I saw pictures with children having fun. However, my mind understood that the best thing I could do for my child was make sure she was safe -- at that time, from herself. I could not protect her from her own actions. I wanted her home seconds after I dropped her off. I wanted her home as soon as I put one foot inside the house. I wanted her home the first day, week, month she was gone. I felt cheated that we weren't doing what families did at holidays and vacations. Spending Christmas in a hotel so I could have dinner with her her and 30 other kids was not something I had ever dreamt would happen. I felt I'd failed as a woman since I couldn't have children by childbirth; I'd failed as a wife because I couldn't convince my husband that having a child in the house wouldn't stop us from still being a couple; I failed in my profession because I couldn't be a mother to my daughter and concentrate at my work; and, then, ultimately, I failed as a mother because I had to send her to others to control her. It took a long time to get over these feelings of failure (and a very, very good therapist). I'm still a good woman even though I can't have biological chidlren. It was my husband's decision to end our marriage, the fact I wanted to adopt a child was only a part of the problem and it was HIS loss, not mine. I made a choice to put my daughter before my career and I haven't ever regretted making that choice. I am not just a good mom but a great mom because I loved my daughter enough to sacrifice my needs and wants so that she could get the help she needed. Your sacrifices have been even greater. I knew my daughter would be coming home. You don't know if wm will ever be capable of adapting to a home environment. It really is okay to feel badly about this. It is not okay to put the blame on yourself. Blame his biological parents for the neglect and abuse they poured on these two innocents. They are the losers! They are why your son cannot live at home. Not because you didn't try everything in your power to save your children. And, as wm gets older, he will have to start shouldering some of the blame as well. He will be given the tools to make choices. What he does with those tools will be up to him. You cannot make those decisions for him. All you can do is guide him the best you can, whether that be from a distance or at home. As much as possible, stand tall and be proud. Many have given up the fight and disrupted the adoption. You have fought long and hard for both of your children. You will continue to fight for them. HUGS [/QUOTE]
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