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Family of Origin
Forgiving yourself/stop feeling it was your fault
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<blockquote data-quote="BloodiedButUnbowed" data-source="post: 738388" data-attributes="member: 13303"><p>I think this is the journey my W is taking. To relieve herself of the (self imposed) guilt for the way her children are turning out to this point.</p><p></p><p>She will never stop hurting. But I can tell that she has the situation in clearer perspective than before. She knows that the boys are old enough so that their character (or lack thereof) is a big part of the equation at this point.</p><p></p><p>Many abused children (including myself, several of my closest friends, and the majority of students I work with) do not display the callous disregard for others that is DS' hallmark. He has deeper issues than just a troubled relationship with his mother.</p><p></p><p>In the five years I have been in this picture my W has been very willing and able to step up and be a parent. She is giving of her time, generous with her/our resources, and as emotionally available as she is capable of being. Some people are simply colder than others. My wife is colder than what I consider to be typical. This is her nature.</p><p></p><p>Neither boy wants anything to do with her/us. YS in particular bleats that it's because of The Past but realistically, it's because he won't let go of the past, won't forgive my W for leaving his father over a decade ago. YS is making a choice to hold this grudge.</p><p></p><p>The boys don't want us around because we hold them accountable while father does not. Because father has totally shut W out of parenting, we are out of their lives.</p><p></p><p>I think W now sees all this and realizes that while she made mistakes, she did not cause her children to go off the rails and I think that makes her feel just a tiny bit better.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="BloodiedButUnbowed, post: 738388, member: 13303"] I think this is the journey my W is taking. To relieve herself of the (self imposed) guilt for the way her children are turning out to this point. She will never stop hurting. But I can tell that she has the situation in clearer perspective than before. She knows that the boys are old enough so that their character (or lack thereof) is a big part of the equation at this point. Many abused children (including myself, several of my closest friends, and the majority of students I work with) do not display the callous disregard for others that is DS' hallmark. He has deeper issues than just a troubled relationship with his mother. In the five years I have been in this picture my W has been very willing and able to step up and be a parent. She is giving of her time, generous with her/our resources, and as emotionally available as she is capable of being. Some people are simply colder than others. My wife is colder than what I consider to be typical. This is her nature. Neither boy wants anything to do with her/us. YS in particular bleats that it's because of The Past but realistically, it's because he won't let go of the past, won't forgive my W for leaving his father over a decade ago. YS is making a choice to hold this grudge. The boys don't want us around because we hold them accountable while father does not. Because father has totally shut W out of parenting, we are out of their lives. I think W now sees all this and realizes that while she made mistakes, she did not cause her children to go off the rails and I think that makes her feel just a tiny bit better. [/QUOTE]
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Forgiving yourself/stop feeling it was your fault
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