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Found N's birthmother, but she doesn't want to talk (long)
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<blockquote data-quote="Marguerite" data-source="post: 232093" data-attributes="member: 1991"><p>I'm sorry it's happened like this. I just shared this with husband, he is proud of you for finding B. Also handled well, in that you didn't breach confidentiality in case it wasgoing to cause her problems.</p><p></p><p>I am wondering, though - it sounds like B has been through a great deal in her life and has made decisions in order to reduce her own pain. I can't say whether they are wise decisions or not - they are simply decisions B has made, in order (as she probably feels) to simply keep putting one foot in front of the other.</p><p></p><p>The phone call must have been a real shock to her and she still doesn't know why the call. Could it be tat you want to dump the girl back on B? After she's mentally cut off contact because it was becoming too painful maybe?</p><p></p><p>I stress, this is conjecture. But apparent rejection now, is not necessarily rejection of N herself, because B doesn't know who she is these days, she's been out of her life for too long. WHat matters is that when N was born, she was loved by her birth mother and by you, she was very much wanted. And as far as B is concerned, one day when N is older perhaps, there will be the chance to make contact as adults, rather than her fear of having to care for a child she doesn't know or doesn't feel capable enough of caring for.</p><p></p><p>B knows you. She knows she left N in capable, loving hands. She wouldn't want that to change for the worse.</p><p></p><p>B mightn't be too stable, her life is probably still fairly rocky. If she's coped with her emotional pain by constantly walkaing away from it and sabotaging herself (which it sounds like she does) then who knows where she is emotionally right now? She is still likely to be a person who makes promises she can't keep. Not out of any desire to be mean, but because reality and dreams don't mesh.</p><p></p><p>I tihnk you were wise to keep this from N. If the subject comes up and N finds out you have found B, then I think the letter could be a good idea, as long as N doesn't get the address information herself. The last thing N or B needs, is for N to turn up 'on spec'. Not healthy for either of them.</p><p></p><p>My sister adopted two kids in similar fashion. Those adoptions weren't open, though, because back then it wasn't legal. However, a big paper trail was left so there could be reconciliation if either side wanted it. Neither has tried. My sister's kids have expressed mild curiosity now they're adults, her daughter went so far as to get a bundle of information sent to her, but then stopped. </p><p></p><p>It's a shame for B, that she has colsed off contact again. But at least you have opened the door for her, it is now her choice. But if only she could see N, she would know what a beautiful, lovely person she has brought into the world. Maybe she would feel better about herself, knowing she can produce something as wonderful as N.</p><p></p><p>Marg</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Marguerite, post: 232093, member: 1991"] I'm sorry it's happened like this. I just shared this with husband, he is proud of you for finding B. Also handled well, in that you didn't breach confidentiality in case it wasgoing to cause her problems. I am wondering, though - it sounds like B has been through a great deal in her life and has made decisions in order to reduce her own pain. I can't say whether they are wise decisions or not - they are simply decisions B has made, in order (as she probably feels) to simply keep putting one foot in front of the other. The phone call must have been a real shock to her and she still doesn't know why the call. Could it be tat you want to dump the girl back on B? After she's mentally cut off contact because it was becoming too painful maybe? I stress, this is conjecture. But apparent rejection now, is not necessarily rejection of N herself, because B doesn't know who she is these days, she's been out of her life for too long. WHat matters is that when N was born, she was loved by her birth mother and by you, she was very much wanted. And as far as B is concerned, one day when N is older perhaps, there will be the chance to make contact as adults, rather than her fear of having to care for a child she doesn't know or doesn't feel capable enough of caring for. B knows you. She knows she left N in capable, loving hands. She wouldn't want that to change for the worse. B mightn't be too stable, her life is probably still fairly rocky. If she's coped with her emotional pain by constantly walkaing away from it and sabotaging herself (which it sounds like she does) then who knows where she is emotionally right now? She is still likely to be a person who makes promises she can't keep. Not out of any desire to be mean, but because reality and dreams don't mesh. I tihnk you were wise to keep this from N. If the subject comes up and N finds out you have found B, then I think the letter could be a good idea, as long as N doesn't get the address information herself. The last thing N or B needs, is for N to turn up 'on spec'. Not healthy for either of them. My sister adopted two kids in similar fashion. Those adoptions weren't open, though, because back then it wasn't legal. However, a big paper trail was left so there could be reconciliation if either side wanted it. Neither has tried. My sister's kids have expressed mild curiosity now they're adults, her daughter went so far as to get a bundle of information sent to her, but then stopped. It's a shame for B, that she has colsed off contact again. But at least you have opened the door for her, it is now her choice. But if only she could see N, she would know what a beautiful, lovely person she has brought into the world. Maybe she would feel better about herself, knowing she can produce something as wonderful as N. Marg [/QUOTE]
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Found N's birthmother, but she doesn't want to talk (long)
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