Discussion in 'Substance Abuse' started by WhyDoWeFallBruce?, Sep 2, 2019.

  1. WhyDoWeFallBruce?

    WhyDoWeFallBruce? New Member

    I sometimes find it hard to explain to others who ask, why letting my son go was the right thing to do.
    For me.
    What it actually was for him, is a question I will never find an answer to, unless he chooses to tell me, someday. I hope he will.
    I get really frustrated when I am met with words like Egoist or selfish.
    I get sick of debating with bystanders whether there is a right or wrong in this.
    I try to tell people that self-preservation is key to being a good parent and an authentic role model.
    That clear boundaries (and seeing them thru) are paramount to trusting one another.
    I don´t say NO drugs in my house in order to save my son from doing them. I say it because I DO NOT want them here.
    Had I known that he did them in his room, I would have tossed him out immediately.
    He knew this and did them anyway.
    I kept a special house journal while he was here, and wrote down all the bad things he did. I even showed it to him along the way.
    It is a good thing to have now, when I get sad or if I should doubt my decision later on.
    It reminds me of my own boundaries and why I set them.

    Two days after he moved out, he called me and wanted to get together. Said his mom was mad at him and he just wanted to be around me.
    I told him to square things with his mom and then I would gladly see him afterward. He didn´t call back.

    I wasn´t surprised.
  2. WhyDoWeFallBruce?

    WhyDoWeFallBruce? New Member

    Update. Today I got an email from the treatment center he is at. I had asked them how the treatment is going, and they have referred this to my son, who apparently does not want them to tell me.
    This saddens me somewhat.
  3. BusynMember

    BusynMember Well-Known Member

    This is what I say.

    "I would rather not talk about it. Its hard to explain anyways." This is even with family members. Nobody, not even beloved family, has gone to Al Anon and understands. They also.have not had a daughter like mine. I don't defend myself. They usually respect my boundary. My family is polite and understanding. We are lucky.

    To more intrusive people I firmly answer "I am not going to discuss it. How is your new job?" I change the subject.

    If somebody is rude enough to persist, I tell a white lie such as I have to go to an appointment, someone is at the door, etc. Endless possibilities. I avoid those who will not respect my boundaries.

    People who truly love us show up and understand. The others didn't really care anyways and either wanted their chance to tell us what THEY would do, how unloving we are, or they are just nosey, which is worse. We do not need these people in our lives. I lost friends. I think we all have. Some had to lock out family members too.

    When you go through hard times you see who your loved ones really are.

    You don't owe anybody an explanation. I think you did the right thing regarding your son. My daughter ran off on her own or we would have made her leave. She is not allowed to visit under our roof. She is possibly dangerous, she steals, and brings drugs around and smokes in the house and I am allergic to smoke. So we do what we do.

    God bless you and be well.
    Last edited: Sep 2, 2019
  4. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    I don't understand. Do others feel the right to pass judgement on you? If so, who are they to do this? Do you feel this is appropriate?
    Do you have to justify yourself to others? Who walks in your shoes, that they could see your situation?
    I am in this exact situation.

    I began with this position, believing I could have control over my son, if I set a limit. That was because I gave very little importance to what I felt, what I needed. I located myself in him.

    It's still very hard for me. But the locus of control has shifted to me. And it's still very hard. Because the consequences of boundaries are that my son leave. And with that, I feel that part of me leaves. Like so many of us here, I have not yet found a way to be whole, when he is not.
  5. WhyDoWeFallBruce?

    WhyDoWeFallBruce? New Member

    Thanks a lot for the replies.
    Actually, Most of the sh*#^ I have gotten from his Mom. Not that many others, to be honest. Just needed to vent.
    I do have many loving and understading people in my life. Luckily.
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  6. WiseChoices

    WiseChoices Active Member

    I am glad to hear your son is in a treatment center. He has a chance to get his life together if he starts attending twelve step meetings afterwards.
  7. WhyDoWeFallBruce?

    WhyDoWeFallBruce? New Member

    Thanks Wise, I too hope he will do a 12 step after.
  8. RN0441

    RN0441 100% better than I was but not at 100% yet


    Your son is very young. They usually don't "get it" the first time in treatment or after many times. My son didn't. You can read my history below and that is not all of it but just some of it.

    You certainly don't have to justify any of your actions to anyone here. WE GET IT.

    Normally when we stop enabling (and OMG this is so hard) they may come to realize that they really have issues.

    As a good friend tells me, "just do you". Don't worry about what he/she/they say. Just do you.

    Prayers that your son does turn his life around. As long as he knows you love him and are there for him IF he decides to live a clean life, is all that matters.
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  9. elizabrary

    elizabrary Active Member

    People who have never been through this have a lot of opinions. Most of them could not handle our situations with half the grace and dignity we have been able to muster. I'm a bit fiery, so let me tell you what I did in this situation. About 6 months after my daughter had my granddaughter the baby's father met her for visitation and when my daughter went to the restroom he ran off with the baby. You can imagine how awful this was. He was abusive and a horrible person anyway, then he did this. He happened to do it at my place of work because I work at our public library. Obviously I left work to help my daughter, and we got the baby back soon after, but it was terrible and led to her father being allowed only supervised visitation. Shortly after this happened I had my granddaughter at a staff picnic. I was standing with about 6 other staff members and some of their partners holding the baby when a woman who worked at a branch (who wasn't my favorite person anyway) said, "And what about this little cutie? Does she see her daddy?" I was immediately pissed because I knew she had heard something, but probably not the whole story. So I thought, OK you want to know? Here it comes, and I recounted EVERYTHING prior to, during and after he took the baby, including the judge ordering supervised visits, etc. :censored2:- ask me a question, you will get the answer. She was stunned into silence and I felt fantastic. Bottom line- don't engage with those people, or tell them so much you freak them out. Peace to you.
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  10. BusynMember

    BusynMember Well-Known Member

    I don't get enjoy it when nosey people ask questions. I just feel like our lives are nobody's business. Kay could care less if the world knew what she does so she wouldn't even blush if we told someone her worst. In fact, she would have fun saying we were abusive liars and make up lies about us to spite us. Some people would believe her.

    My family subscribes to less is more. We prefer keeping things to ourselves. Not that it's wrong to do it the other way. I can just see that persons jaw permanently dropped to the ground lol.
  11. Kathy813

    Kathy813 Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I've had a different experience. For years I didn't want anyone to know what we were going through and I would just say something like my daughter was still finding herself and change the subject.

    Eventually, I started to be honest and told people about her drug and alcohol use. To my surprise, almost everyone responded by opening up about substance abuse in their own families . . . fathers, mothers, brothers, sisters, and children. I don't think there are any families that haven't been touched to some degree by substance abuse.

    Ironically, it was like they were waiting for a chance to talk about it. Even the owner of the wedding venue opened up about her brother's addiction issues when my daughter told her that there would be no alcohol at the upcoming November wedding because both she and the groom were in recovery.

    Now I look at it as a chance to help others by sharing my experiences. This forum is a perfect example of sharing experiences and helping each other albeit anonymously.
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