FURIOUS about this...now, what to do about it?

[CAmom]

Hello,

Some of you might remember that our 17-year-old son was adopted at birth. A year ago, he was approached on the street by a woman who told him she was married to his birthfather and asked him if he would like to meet him. All this without our knowlege or consent. After my husband and I recovered somewhat from our rage, and we found out that his birthfather had been clean and sober for ten years and was married and successfully supporting his wife and four young children, we settled down to try to support our son's wishes which were to explore a relationship.

Both our son's birthparents live in the same town we do and have always known where we were. Our son's birthfather has never been involved in our lives, and there had been no contact up to that point. In fact, when our son was born, he left town and wasn't even there to support our son's birthmother who was left to handle the entire adoption on her own (15 years old at the time...) without a shred of support from him or his family or even her own mother!

Our son had never had problems with being adopted up to that point, and we planned to put him in contact with his birthparents, IF HE WISHED, when he was 18. So, the meeting should never have happened the way it did and espeically not at that point in our son's life, and it has caused our son many, many emotional ups and downs over this past year. Yet, as he has seemed to really want to pursue the relationship, as generally unsatisfying as it has been for him (I would describe it as very much love/hate in nature), we've continued to support it.

At least some of the reasons for his fascination with his birthfather (beyond the obvious) became clear yesterday when we were told by a reliable source that our son had been smoking marijuana and been allowed to drink beer with his birthfather and wife and his ex-con brother on several occasions over the past year. This INFURIATES us, again for obvious reasons, but also because, right from the start, we made sure his birthfather and his wife understood that our son was having issues with marijuana use and that we were very concered about it. They BOTH told us that they completely undersood and would support us on that issue so we had been feeling generally comfortable about the amount of time our son has chosen to spend with his birthfamily.

At the moment, I'm in such a rage over this that I've almost picked up the phone to call our son's PO, our attorney, the police, etc. But, of course, we can't prove anything, so there really wouldn't be much point. My husband pointed out that the situation isn't much different than it is with our son's friends--he's got to be the one to make the choice whether or not he wants to smoke marijuana and/or drink, DESPITE who he happens to be with.

But, while the relationship between our son and his birthfather and wife has in no way developed into a parent/child type and is more a buddy/buddy type, they ARE still adults and should be behaving in that manner, ESPECIALLY with someone elses child! And KNOWING he was having problems with substance use which was impacting on his school and every other aspect of his life, the IRRESPONSIBILITY just staggers me!

Would you all take any sort of action over this?

 

[DDD]

No.

That's the bottom line. There is absolutey nothing positive
that would come out of taking any action. There are lots of
very sad and negative things that could result by taking any
action.

Sorry, my CD family member, but your husband is right. The ball
is in your sons court...you have to stay in the bleachers.
Hugs. DDD

 

[CAmom]

Oh, ARRGGGG!!!! DDD I know you're right, but I want to KILL!!! Guess venting will have to do.

 

[KFld]

It is totally irresponsible for any adult to be partcipating in this kind of behavior with any child, but unfortunatley, there is probably nothing you can do about it. If he was younger I would go to the courts and file whatever it took so that they weren't allowed contact with him, but at this point, I don't think there is much you can do. Yeah they are complete idiots for doing this with him, but your son chose to partcipate. Now you just have to hope that when he is living back home again, he will choose not to participate in these things with them. It will all come down to what he is learning and what choices he is going to make.

Shame on his birthfather though!!!!!

I know you were devestated when he was taken to this Residential Treatment Center (RTC), but look at all the things he is being removed from. Hopefully he will appreciate and learn from this experience.

 

[CAmom]

Karen, yes, this is one more thing that's making me feel better and better about where he is. At least, he's out of reach of his birthfamily and life-long neighborhood friends, most of whom are involved with substances of one type or another, while he works on growing that backbone...

 

[lovemysons]

Eww, Gawd, who the heck could blame you for wanting to do something about this.
I don't know. I too believe it could backfire. That son has to make this decision on his own.

However...I will tell you that a few weeks ago when I began to suspect that my young difficult child might by using again, I didn't even, not EVEN hesitate to call his po and tell her about it! BEFORE he's 18. I want him to feel the consequences. He's been tested twice now recently. I am waiting for the results tomorrow on young difficult child.

But anyway, I feel for you.
I met my alcoholic bio dad at 17 years of age. It caused me nothing but emotional torment. I do not trust him. He is a completely selfish self consumed man. He even thought the reason my mother didn't remarry and kept his last name was cause she "couldn't get over him", how delisional. She didn't want to remarry the SAME again, what a creep.
Anyway...

I am SO sorry that your son is being put through this before the time was right. I'm sorry that his bio dad is still not worth having "father" him.
It is a conclusion your son will eventually see through I suspect. I know it tore my mom up at first when I met mine and even threatend to go live with him then (in retalitation for not getting my way about something, don't even have a clue what that was). I really hurt her with that. So much so that she has still brought it up recently to me when she was telling me about a new friend of hers who's struggling with a relationship with her daughters in between her ex and herself.

Oh goodness, all I can say is, I really, REALLY think he'll figure out what a toxic person his bio dad is, that person is NOT his father. It's not where his heart is safe, you and your husband know this is true in YOUR hearts. Maybe try and hold on to that. Meanwhile, it may have to play itself out.

caring thoughts to your family.
lovemysons

 

[DammitJanet]

Well I can fully understand why you are so upset. We had a neighbor who was hell bent on giving my son alcohol when this guy knew full well my son was on medications! The combo could have been deadly. I even called the cops, the ATF, everyone I could think of. I tried to get the guy for contributing to the delinquency of a minor...it was a no go.

One thing you could do is to call up anonymously to one of those drug lines and report this family. Do they live near a school? Report that they are dealing near a school. Dont give your name and call from a pay phone. Do it several times when you are out and about. Chances are the cops will eventually catch them doing something and your problem will go away.

 

[CAmom]

lovemysons, I'm afraid my son, like you, will be very sorry (and actually is at some times) that his birthfather and family forced themselves into his life. He has told me on several occasions that he wished we had never told him he was adopted. However, because we were involved in an open adoption (something we deeply regret now...), and his birthfamily live in our city, that wasn't an option. However, this is something he has to deal with, and all we can do is try to ease his way. I can't tell you how many times over the past year my fiesty guy has had tears running down his face because of something his birthfather has or hasn't done which reminds our son that, although this man is fathering four small children, he abandoned our son at birth. And, I have no doubt that my son was smoking pot at least in part to medicate the pain that this has caused him. Sad, because never in his life was adoption a source of pain to him.

But, as far as the marijuana issue, I have to agree with everyone that there probably isn't much we can do but hope and pray that, when our son finishes his court-ordered stay at the group home, what he has learned about life in general and illegal activities will stay with him and guide his choices in a better direction. Frankly, although I have no doubt that my son will never get involved with a crime again, I have serious doubts about whether he will actually give up marijuana (understanding that this is also against the law...).

DammitJanet, they actually do live near a school, but they aren't dealing drugs that I know of. From what I understand, his birthfather smokes pot and has a beer or two with our son as some sort of sick way of "bonding." As I said, he has in no way connected with our son on any type of parent/child level--maybe that's not possible at this point, but his failure to at least try to relate in at least an adult/child level is inexcusible.

 

[DDD]

My easy child/difficult child "bonded" with his biodad/stepmom/stepbrother for
about two years. They were "beautiful people" who taught
at the church. The bond lasted from 11 or 12 to that dreaded 14. They left town and never said goodbye. The
next phone call was this year from dear Dad who wanted to
"see his son" when he heard that he might be dying in the
hospital after brain surgery....almost five years later.

Alas, easy child/difficult child was officially labeled as an alcoholic at the
age of 14. Then, and only then, did I find that wine was
liberally served at meals with his Dads family AND mixed
drinks were available to all when they entertained and made
sure to invite easy child/difficult child because he was so handsome and polite
that it impressed their business associates.

My husband and I never suspected a thing. Good Grief, it never
ever occured to us! Now our son is an alcoholic and the biodad's family had the audacity to tell me "we have no alcoholics on our side of the family".

I understand your fury....but...the ball is in your sons court just like it is in my sons. So sad! DDD

 

[BusynMember]

Oh, ugh! My youngest adoped daughter was supposed to have an open adoption with both of her bio. parents. Well, the birthmom got tossed from the picture when she promised daughter she'd be the flower girl at her wedding, and then she broke up with her fiance, never called us, never bothered to tell my little girl, and, when we called her, sort of brushed us off. We never wanted her around again. Bio. dad promised to throw a big Chuckie Cheese birthday party for her with all her birth relatives, and never did it. That was enough. She was very young, but she still thinks about them and I'm sure she'll try to contact birthmom at eighteen, and we'll help her. She's not a bad person, just spacey. She lives in the next state. The birthfather has been in jail for substance abuse and I don't know what will happen if she decides to meet him. The women in that family seem nice and hardworking, the men are all druggies. If your boy were younger, I'd turn them in, bio. parents or not. I wouldn't even hesitate. At his age, that won't stop him from seeing them and could cause all sorts of mixed feelings and confusion and anger at you. There's not much you can do now if he's nearly eighteen. I'll bet his birthfather considers himself his "real" father; most birthparents do. They don't really think of the child as your child. This is a generalization, of course, but that's been OUR experience and isn't uncommon. I just hope your son realizes that his birthfather is not really worthy of being his father or the father of the children he is raising. And don't bet the farm that he never thought about being adopted before. I think all adopted kids think about it and have to come to terms with it, even if they have loving families. Some cope with it better than others, but it's there. I wish I had more to offer than empathy and cyber-hugs. For what it's worth, I never think it's a good idea NOT to tell kids they're adopted. Somehow they always find out and are devestated that they are lied to. In this day and age, with the internet and open adoptions, I think you did the right thing telling him. Even my son that we adopted from Hong Kong knows where his birthmother is. It's not hard to find somebody or for them to find you and the surprise can hurt your relationship forever.

 

[TYLERFAN]

So sorry.
I'm afraid like the others said....the ball is indeed in his court. /ubbthreads/images/graemlins/919Mad.gif

Blessings,
Melissa *

 

[SunnyFlorida]

Just sending some {{{sunny hugs}}} CaMom.

 

[KFld]

Oh my god!! I don't know how you all deal with that, having the birthparents so close. I give you all so much credit. I'm so glad my daughter was adopted from Romania. Not much chance of her mother showing up here looking for her and she has never shown much interest in going there and checking into anything. The only downside to that is we don't really have any family history, so medically if something ever shows up, we are pretty much out of luck getting any info.

 

[lovemysons]

I was taking myself back in time, CAmom...

I remember at 13 questioning "If only I had been a better baby, a prettier baby, maybe born a boy instead of a girl"...what was it about me that made me not worthy of being loved well by him, devalued, not important, special enough, etc?
THIS is the mind of a budding alcoholic/addict or someone who will be attracted to them. It's how the disease affects everyone in the home, not just the one with the disease.

Taking everything and everyone personally, as though I have control over others or their actions. It didn't even occur to me as a teen that I had no control over what my bio dad supplied or denied. It was his lacktherein, his lack of capacity to love me well. He is an ill person.

My mother did me a huge favor by removing him from my life, and he let her.
He went on to have another daughter with another lady. I met her too when I met him at 17. I saw my facial features in the half sister. I heard the tone of my voice in her too, and my young difficult child is the spitting image of my bio dad.

I haven't seen him in years and only saw him a hand full of times after age 17.
I know today that his issues had nothing to do with me. He is an alcoholic. I don't own that. I've got my own issues. He was part of the vessel that got me here, but he does not own the rights to who I say I am today. My personal "truth" has been revised. I was BLESSED to not be raised by him, though I beat myself up badly. THAT is the disease of addiction. that may be the ONLY thing your son has in commen with that man.

Sadly too...that emotional wound was not something my mother could ease away, love away, buy away, or do anything to "fix" for me. It was a conclusion my heart finally came to even though I know how much my mom wanted to spare me all the pain, just as you want to spare your son.

Your son does not need to be defined by that bio person. That is not who he is. Boundaries, self protection, making conscious choices as to what we allow or don't allow ourselves is especially difficult for a "starving child", addict/alcoholic.
While I think that your son, as you state, has been deeply hurt and confused even further by meeting his biodad and trying to make sense of him, it is very important that your son address the only "medical" mental issue that he likely has in commen with his birth persons, that is addiction and the disease of addiction loves any reason to feel self hatred and depravation. That is what helps feed it.

You guys love him. Keep believin in his ability to come to the correct conclusion. Feeling overly sorry for him may only give him permission to sink further. Your husband is right on the money, in my opinion,

[ QUOTE ]
"My husband pointed out that the situation isn't much different than it is with our son's friends--he's got to be the one to make the choice whether or not he wants to smoke marijuana and/or drink, DESPITE who he happens to be with."


[/ QUOTE ]
Now your son's real dad...what a BLESSING! You got a smart and very healthy man there!!! You were able to choose wisely. The way I see it, once your son starts connecting the dots for himself, he's gonna realize just how much his higher power had his back the WHOLE time. You guys were graced upon his life, in my opinion. He has alot to be thankful for...he'll get there.


definitely in my thoughts.
lovemysons

ps...Midwest mom has alot of good insight. Alot of kids are very intuitive and pick up on the "unspoken". Alot of resentment could have come from not telling him about his adoption.

 

[CAmom]

DDD, I guess, in many families, alcohol is served to everyone, regardless of age. I've got a problem with that because alcoholism runs in my family, and I know how it can poison the lives of those who are unable to resist it. In my son's bfather's case, HE himself was an alcoholic and KNOWS firsthand how difficult it is to break free. He typically works an 80-hour week, so I'm assuming he's the type of alcoholic who is able to drink a beer here and there and still be highly functional.
Nonetheless, he has absolutely no right to allow our son or anyone else who is underage to drink in his home! GRRRRRR!!!

 

[DDD]

Ditto GRRRRRRRRRRRRRR GRRRRRRRRRR!
Hugs. DDD

 

[DammitJanet]

Well you dont THINK he is dealing, but you DONT know he isnt. The good little informant on the phone telling the nice little drug information line can just pass the tip that you have seen them smoking it and seen "lots of cars" going in and out at strange times and it has you worried since a school is so close. If they ask how you saw them smoking, well they dont shut their drapes and you walk your dog...lmao.

I actually did this one time to a dealer here in my area that I really hated.

 

[CAmom]

DammitJ, you're right--he certainly could be. We never thought he, as the family man he appears to have become, would be smoking pot or drinking EVER, especially with our son. So, who knows.

I'm thinking that phone call might be in order...

 

[donna723]

CAmom, for what it's worth, I agree with Janet. If you can call anonymously and report it, I'd go for it. You have nothing to lose. If the bio-dad has been involved with drugs to that extent and for that long, odds are that he's been involved in "passing it along" too. And who knows ... they may catch him "bonding" with some of his other children the same way he was "bonding" with your son!

 

[rejectedmom]

Drug use is illegal in all the states. they are behaving like crimminals and adding to the deliquency of a minor. Report it. -RM