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Gaslighting
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<blockquote data-quote="Deni D" data-source="post: 748873" data-attributes="member: 22840"><p>I think you were right to not get her a gift. I also think if you had given her a gift that would have been wrong in some way in her mind. I’m in a similar situation with my son and his birthday is coming up at the end of the month. Last year I took him out to dinner and gave him a card with money. He was displeased through the dinner and very rude. His attitude toward me is no better this year than it was last year. This year I’m donating to my favorite charity in his name and that’s it. It has nothing to do with him, it has to do with me treating myself right and not trying to please someone who won’t be pleased anymore. </p><p></p><p>I would send her a copy of that text and tell her you love her but you’re not going to be mistreated and continue to behave as if it doesn’t matter. And then ignore the blasts and nasty messages, just let the dust settle.</p><p></p><p>It’s so sad they don’t see that they have assigned us to rolls so different than what we want with them, so different from who we are as people. I would question the gaslighting description. I’m pretty sure in my son’s case that he believes himself, therefore it’s not gaslighting. Gaslighting is purposeful, probably not really done all that much in reality. And I think someone who actually does that stuff has very good control of themselves, and are calculating with a purposeful intent that gets them what they want. I think we here on this forum are mostly dealing with the ones who have emotional storms and react from their feelings without knowing what their feelings are even about. Then they make up a reality in their heads that suits their feelings. I don’t know, just my thinking….</p><p></p><p>I still have hope with my son but not in the short term. I know there will be no big revelation that he’s been way off base and out there. I figure if anything is going to change for the positive it will come with time and with me not accepting and not defending my assigned villain roll in his life.</p><p></p><p>For myself when I get nasty emails, tests, and conversations I try to picture it as him lobbing a ball at me and me just letting it drop at my feet. Then I look at it and decide if there’s any little piece of it really for me. That’s the hard part, I used to catch that stuff every time and turn it inside out and scour my memory, the internet, ask people and such to see what I could of, should of, and can do. In my case I’ve figured out that I was desperate and still am at times for some control, control to get him to be in a better place in life, if I could just figure it out. But I don’t have control over other people, and the only people I’m going to have any influence on are those who think positively of me anyway. So I pray that God brings people into his life to help him along to a better life.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Deni D, post: 748873, member: 22840"] I think you were right to not get her a gift. I also think if you had given her a gift that would have been wrong in some way in her mind. I’m in a similar situation with my son and his birthday is coming up at the end of the month. Last year I took him out to dinner and gave him a card with money. He was displeased through the dinner and very rude. His attitude toward me is no better this year than it was last year. This year I’m donating to my favorite charity in his name and that’s it. It has nothing to do with him, it has to do with me treating myself right and not trying to please someone who won’t be pleased anymore. I would send her a copy of that text and tell her you love her but you’re not going to be mistreated and continue to behave as if it doesn’t matter. And then ignore the blasts and nasty messages, just let the dust settle. It’s so sad they don’t see that they have assigned us to rolls so different than what we want with them, so different from who we are as people. I would question the gaslighting description. I’m pretty sure in my son’s case that he believes himself, therefore it’s not gaslighting. Gaslighting is purposeful, probably not really done all that much in reality. And I think someone who actually does that stuff has very good control of themselves, and are calculating with a purposeful intent that gets them what they want. I think we here on this forum are mostly dealing with the ones who have emotional storms and react from their feelings without knowing what their feelings are even about. Then they make up a reality in their heads that suits their feelings. I don’t know, just my thinking…. I still have hope with my son but not in the short term. I know there will be no big revelation that he’s been way off base and out there. I figure if anything is going to change for the positive it will come with time and with me not accepting and not defending my assigned villain roll in his life. For myself when I get nasty emails, tests, and conversations I try to picture it as him lobbing a ball at me and me just letting it drop at my feet. Then I look at it and decide if there’s any little piece of it really for me. That’s the hard part, I used to catch that stuff every time and turn it inside out and scour my memory, the internet, ask people and such to see what I could of, should of, and can do. In my case I’ve figured out that I was desperate and still am at times for some control, control to get him to be in a better place in life, if I could just figure it out. But I don’t have control over other people, and the only people I’m going to have any influence on are those who think positively of me anyway. So I pray that God brings people into his life to help him along to a better life. [/QUOTE]
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