getting stronger........
- Thread starter standswithcourage
- Start date
Big Bad Kitty
lolcat
Alright, Susan, as you can see, I'm not the only frustrated one.
You are doing nothing to help your son. You cannot rationalize it in any way.
You feel the need to entertain him so he does not get high? That equals you are BABYSITTING him. When your husband told him to get a job and then walked out and slammed the door, you should have pushed your son out after him.
By the way, if he were REALLY looking for a job, he would not have had time to sit around and be bored, now would he?
Are you not getting it when we tell you these things? Or do you not believe us? I see you thank us, I see you hop onto other threads and tell your tale of woe, and then you say "well I did this and that" but you DON'T do those things! Then, you give updates, I and you leave out key information. Like when your son calls you to pick him up because his tooth hurts...Did you pick him up? Or when he had the audacity to put beer in the buggy at the store...did you buy it? The counselor told you to be honest with his PO. Well, WERE YOU?
I see that this is hard for you. I am doing to you what you need to do to your son. I am telling you that it is time to get on your big girl panties, THROW HIM OUT, (and if that means dropping him off at the vocational rehab, or whatever, then do that) and let God take care of him.
In case you forgot, you have a DAUGHTER who is getting married in a couple of weeks. SHE NEEDS YOU!!!
So tell your GROWN MAN of a son to put on his big boy boxers and get out.
THIS IS THE ONLY WAY THAT HE WILL GET HELP.
You are doing nothing to help your son. You cannot rationalize it in any way.
You feel the need to entertain him so he does not get high? That equals you are BABYSITTING him. When your husband told him to get a job and then walked out and slammed the door, you should have pushed your son out after him.
By the way, if he were REALLY looking for a job, he would not have had time to sit around and be bored, now would he?
Are you not getting it when we tell you these things? Or do you not believe us? I see you thank us, I see you hop onto other threads and tell your tale of woe, and then you say "well I did this and that" but you DON'T do those things! Then, you give updates, I and you leave out key information. Like when your son calls you to pick him up because his tooth hurts...Did you pick him up? Or when he had the audacity to put beer in the buggy at the store...did you buy it? The counselor told you to be honest with his PO. Well, WERE YOU?
I see that this is hard for you. I am doing to you what you need to do to your son. I am telling you that it is time to get on your big girl panties, THROW HIM OUT, (and if that means dropping him off at the vocational rehab, or whatever, then do that) and let God take care of him.
In case you forgot, you have a DAUGHTER who is getting married in a couple of weeks. SHE NEEDS YOU!!!
So tell your GROWN MAN of a son to put on his big boy boxers and get out.
THIS IS THE ONLY WAY THAT HE WILL GET HELP.
goldenguru
Active Member
Oh dear stands!
Are you really hearing what these ladies are telling you? Do you hear the wisdom of their experiences?
I assume you will say YES!!
So my question to you is this: Since you seem to recognize
1) that what you are doing is NOT helping your son,
2) that it is making you crazy,
3) that it is destroying the peaceful atmosphere in your home,
4) that it is driving a wedge between your self and your husband
... what is keeping you from making some small changes?
Somewhere there is a disconnect. Somewhere between recognizing the insanity your sons choices are inflicting on the family and your willingness to make some changes ... there is a serious disconnect.
You SERIOUSLY need to figure it out.
Personally, I think that you have become soooo enmeshed in your sons life/choices that you are afraid to let him suffer any consequences because then you will suffer the consequences. In your unhealthy relationship with this man, his pain is way too much your pain too. You are going to need a really good therapist help you untie yourself from this child. Run - don't walk - to a good family therapist.
There is nothing else we can offer you. YOU must ... MUST .... MUST make some different choices with this man or you will be posting the same drama ten years from now.
With all due respect ....
Are you really hearing what these ladies are telling you? Do you hear the wisdom of their experiences?
I assume you will say YES!!
So my question to you is this: Since you seem to recognize
1) that what you are doing is NOT helping your son,
2) that it is making you crazy,
3) that it is destroying the peaceful atmosphere in your home,
4) that it is driving a wedge between your self and your husband
... what is keeping you from making some small changes?
Somewhere there is a disconnect. Somewhere between recognizing the insanity your sons choices are inflicting on the family and your willingness to make some changes ... there is a serious disconnect.
You SERIOUSLY need to figure it out.
Personally, I think that you have become soooo enmeshed in your sons life/choices that you are afraid to let him suffer any consequences because then you will suffer the consequences. In your unhealthy relationship with this man, his pain is way too much your pain too. You are going to need a really good therapist help you untie yourself from this child. Run - don't walk - to a good family therapist.
There is nothing else we can offer you. YOU must ... MUST .... MUST make some different choices with this man or you will be posting the same drama ten years from now.
With all due respect ....
meowbunny
New Member
I'm in total agreement with the others. Your son is not 3. If he were, I could understand you keeping him entertained. Or course, most 3 year olds are quite happy to find something to do. So is a 5 year old. At about 9 or 10, kids run to mom saying they are bored. Most moms happily recite a list of chores they could do. I get the feeling you stopped whatever you were doing and started playing games or whatever with your son.
To me, we have one job as parents and that is to help our children become adults. Mind you, I did not say happy adults. That is up to the child. I didn't even say productive or law-abiding adults. Again, that is up to the child. The best we can do is give them the tools that might make them happy, productive, law-abiding. Whether those tools are used to hit oneself alongside the head or to become a Bill Gates is up to the person.
I don't know if you've given your son those tools. If you haven't, you need to do so now. You truly don't have much longer. Enabling him is not going to help him. You truly need to start doing. Start forcing your son to get out and look for a job. Quit making excuses for him. Quit saying yes to us and just do it!
To me, we have one job as parents and that is to help our children become adults. Mind you, I did not say happy adults. That is up to the child. I didn't even say productive or law-abiding adults. Again, that is up to the child. The best we can do is give them the tools that might make them happy, productive, law-abiding. Whether those tools are used to hit oneself alongside the head or to become a Bill Gates is up to the person.
I don't know if you've given your son those tools. If you haven't, you need to do so now. You truly don't have much longer. Enabling him is not going to help him. You truly need to start doing. Start forcing your son to get out and look for a job. Quit making excuses for him. Quit saying yes to us and just do it!
Steely
Active Member
Remember that outline analogy I used? You and your son are one, enmeshed, and neither of you have an understanding of your own identities. Truthfully, since you are not going to enforce him leaving, the best help you could give you and your son, is for you to go on a 20 week sabbatical far, far away. As long as you both have each other to enable, nothing will change.
standswithcourage
New Member
Yes - I took the beer out and we left the store with nothing. I am hoping the voc rehab lady will the lower the boom on him and probation and then we can give him a choice. thanks for the advice. I always heed it and value it.
standswithcourage
New Member
The only way he can look for a job - is by me or someone taking him. I guess he could walk or we could let him out on the road in the busy section of town - transportation is a big problem. It is like when he is here our lives are put on hold. We could not and would not leave him here by himself. He really has no room here - sleeps on the couch. It is the biggest crazy thing I havae ever seen - i dont want to enable him - i am trying to push him out. i am just slow - i have done it so many times that it drives me crazy.
Suz
(the future) MRS. GERE
<div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Quote:</div><div class="ubbcode-body"> I am hoping the voc rehab lady will the lower the boom on him and probation and then we can give him a choice. </div></div>
You are passing the buck again. Vocational rehab, probation, and you ALL need to lower the boom.
He does not deserve a choice. He's blown too many in the past.
This is a perfect opportunity to help him take a step towards being a man. Don't blow it.
Suz
You are passing the buck again. Vocational rehab, probation, and you ALL need to lower the boom.
He does not deserve a choice. He's blown too many in the past.
This is a perfect opportunity to help him take a step towards being a man. Don't blow it.
Suz
SunnyFlorida
Active Member
Gee stands, I'm sorry your past days haven't been so good, but I'm glad this day was good. I'm sure you'll figure something out.
standswithcourage
New Member
OK OK OK !!!!! I get the point ladies!!!!! I am going to lower the boom on him. It is time and past. You all are right I just wish you were here to physically help me. I know it is my job and I dont want to enable him. I have tomove on. I cannot be a babysitter. That is what I feel like when he is here. I am not the only one. His friend he was living with said he was tired of babysitting him. Enough already! Grow up - he is not home tonight - he probably wont come home because he is gettinghigh or stoned or messed up somewhere because we told him he could not do it here - well we are also giving him a spot to crash in when he comes down from cloud nine. That is my cross to bear AGAIN! I will bear it. Thank you for getting a fire under me. You guys are great. I think we need to meet somewhere in the United states for a grand party!
goldenguru
Active Member
<div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Quote:</div><div class="ubbcode-body">I just wish you were here to physically help me </div></div>
I have gotten the sense from your posts that your husband is fed up with your enabling your son. I'd bet the farm that if you went to your husband and asked for his leadership/help on standing up to your son's behaviors he would be more than willing to do so. Remember that there is strength in numbers. Also remember that it is YOUR home ... not your son's home. You pay the bills. You make the rules. Take your power back.
Formulate a plan together with your husband. Put the plan into effect. Today.
I have gotten the sense from your posts that your husband is fed up with your enabling your son. I'd bet the farm that if you went to your husband and asked for his leadership/help on standing up to your son's behaviors he would be more than willing to do so. Remember that there is strength in numbers. Also remember that it is YOUR home ... not your son's home. You pay the bills. You make the rules. Take your power back.
Formulate a plan together with your husband. Put the plan into effect. Today.
WhymeMom?
No real answers to life..
What helped me when we were going thru this similar thing was going to my husband and asking that he take over dealing with difficult child. I was the stay at home mom who dealt with the day to day "home, school" stuff with the kids and my husband worked many hours. Most of my sons antics happened when my husband was out of town on business. Anyway, for the longest time I tried to handle my son on my own and it just wasn't working. I decided I didn't have the strength to battle this on my own and I was also cheating my husband out of a meaningful relationship with his son. We decided to create a united front and whenever he asked for something or wanted to do something I said...."Ask your father." It got so that difficult child stopped asking me for things cause he knew he would have to go to dad anyway, so just go there first. He occasionally would ask, but I made it clear I would be talking with husband before any decision was made. It really gives time for considered decisions on doing anything.....He also tried that old trick of trying to divide and conquer...."Why can't you just make the decision MOM? Won't dad let you?" (Don't let yourself get pulled in to that.)
I have a practice test for you that I think really empowers some people from knee jerk reactions. The next time someone knocks on your door unexpectedly, don't answer. Or if you have a phone answering machine, don't pick it up when the phone rings. Let the answering machine get it. You decide if you feel like talking to whomever or answering the door.....Just because the doorbell or phone rings YOU DON'T HAVE TO ANSWER.
I answer the phone and the door when I want to....simple yet very empowering. It also lets people know that if they really want to see me they should email......hah!
I have a practice test for you that I think really empowers some people from knee jerk reactions. The next time someone knocks on your door unexpectedly, don't answer. Or if you have a phone answering machine, don't pick it up when the phone rings. Let the answering machine get it. You decide if you feel like talking to whomever or answering the door.....Just because the doorbell or phone rings YOU DON'T HAVE TO ANSWER.
I answer the phone and the door when I want to....simple yet very empowering. It also lets people know that if they really want to see me they should email......hah!
standswithcourage
New Member
That is pretty good! I think I will try to antic. Tomorrow we have a meeting with his voc Rehab counselor. He is already trying to tell me not to mess everything up for him. He doesnt want his Dad to go. He doesnt think he needs inpatient rehab. I dont even know anymore - I just know that I cannot do everything for him he needs done. How is he going to get to a job, drug classes, ged classes, etc. It puts me on the road when I get home from school taking him everywhere. Do you have any suggestions on what to discuss with the voc rehab lady?
standswithcourage
New Member
That is pretty good! I think I will try your antic. Tomorrow we have a meeting with his voc Rehab counselor. He is already trying to tell me not to mess everything up for him. He doesnt want his Dad to go. He doesnt think he needs inpatient rehab. I dont even know anymore - I just know that I cannot do everything for him he needs done. How is he going to get to a job, drug classes, ged classes, etc. It puts me on the road when I get home from school taking him everywhere. Do you have any suggestions on what to discuss with the voc rehab lady?
Big Bad Kitty
lolcat
I'm confused.
You doing ANYTHING for him should not even be an option. How he is to get to his job, drug classes...HIS problem. Not yours.
You should be telling him to mind his smart mouth, and remind him how HE is messing things up for YOU. and his FATHER. and his BROTHER. and his SISTER.
You said "I don't even know anymore". What don't you know? Help me help you. Please.
You doing ANYTHING for him should not even be an option. How he is to get to his job, drug classes...HIS problem. Not yours.
You should be telling him to mind his smart mouth, and remind him how HE is messing things up for YOU. and his FATHER. and his BROTHER. and his SISTER.
You said "I don't even know anymore". What don't you know? Help me help you. Please.
goldenguru
Active Member
<div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Quote:</div><div class="ubbcode-body">He is already trying to tell me not to mess everything up for him. </div></div>
What exactly does he mean by this? I would go prepared to share then entire truth with the therapist. The ENTIRE truth.
<div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Quote:</div><div class="ubbcode-body">He doesn't want his Dad to go. </div></div>
Your husband NEEDS to be at this meeting. Your son needs to understand that you are a unified front!!! by the way- Have you sat down with your husband to discuss a plan of action for your son?
<div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Quote:</div><div class="ubbcode-body">He doesn't think he needs inpatient rehab. </div></div>
He's entitled to his opinion. You are also entitled to throw him out of your house if he refuses the treatment that you all know that he needs.
<div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Quote:</div><div class="ubbcode-body"> I don't even know anymore - I just know that I cannot do everything for him he needs done. How is he going to get to a job, drug classes, ged classes, etc. </div></div>
How exactly is this YOUR problem? Remember these are HIS problems. He needs to figure this out.
<div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Quote:</div><div class="ubbcode-body">Do you have any suggestions on what to discuss with the voc rehab lady? </div></div>
Oh I have lots of suggestions:
Your son continues to do drugs (prescription and illegal) and live in your home.
Your son is not employed or going to school.
Your son is not compliant in regards to family rules.
Your son is making the atmosphere in your home very stressful.
Your son refuses to commit himself to recovery.
YOU are enabling your son's aforementioned behaviors.
YOU are totally enmeshed in your son's life.
YOU are lacking in healthy boundaries.
How's that for starters?
I hope you can move in a different direction stands ... I really do.
With all due respect.
What exactly does he mean by this? I would go prepared to share then entire truth with the therapist. The ENTIRE truth.
<div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Quote:</div><div class="ubbcode-body">He doesn't want his Dad to go. </div></div>
Your husband NEEDS to be at this meeting. Your son needs to understand that you are a unified front!!! by the way- Have you sat down with your husband to discuss a plan of action for your son?
<div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Quote:</div><div class="ubbcode-body">He doesn't think he needs inpatient rehab. </div></div>
He's entitled to his opinion. You are also entitled to throw him out of your house if he refuses the treatment that you all know that he needs.
<div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Quote:</div><div class="ubbcode-body"> I don't even know anymore - I just know that I cannot do everything for him he needs done. How is he going to get to a job, drug classes, ged classes, etc. </div></div>
How exactly is this YOUR problem? Remember these are HIS problems. He needs to figure this out.
<div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Quote:</div><div class="ubbcode-body">Do you have any suggestions on what to discuss with the voc rehab lady? </div></div>
Oh I have lots of suggestions:
Your son continues to do drugs (prescription and illegal) and live in your home.
Your son is not employed or going to school.
Your son is not compliant in regards to family rules.
Your son is making the atmosphere in your home very stressful.
Your son refuses to commit himself to recovery.
YOU are enabling your son's aforementioned behaviors.
YOU are totally enmeshed in your son's life.
YOU are lacking in healthy boundaries.
How's that for starters?
I hope you can move in a different direction stands ... I really do.
With all due respect.
Suz
(the future) MRS. GERE
Susan, read the comments and suggestions given on this thread. They are good ones.
<div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Quote:</div><div class="ubbcode-body"> Do you have any suggestions on what to discuss with the voc rehab lady? </div></div>
This is a change of subject so start a new thread. I am going to lock this one.
Goldenguru, when Susan starts a new thread I hope you will repeat your suggestions.
Suz
<div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Quote:</div><div class="ubbcode-body"> Do you have any suggestions on what to discuss with the voc rehab lady? </div></div>
This is a change of subject so start a new thread. I am going to lock this one.
Goldenguru, when Susan starts a new thread I hope you will repeat your suggestions.
Suz
