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Getting thru sleepless nites?
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<blockquote data-quote="Star*" data-source="post: 204886" data-attributes="member: 4964"><p>Ahhhhh HA I KNEW I wasn't the ONLY one......</p><p> </p><p>Dear Sister of the Night Terrors, </p><p> </p><p>I'm writing to you today through bloodshot eyes, and should even one of those eyes find it's way to the matching bottom lid I will surely fall asleep. I have my doubts on which is worse, being up all night and worrying about your child's supposed and impending future or the fact that you really can not take a 15 minute powernap in your office and get away with it. (Swear I am starting to wonder if I could do it in the potty) men seem to respect you if you can be in a bathroom with yourself for longer than 15 minutes - perhaps I'll nap there. Wonder how bad an alarm clock would echo in a restroom? Moving on. </p><p> </p><p>See last night - I sat up and worried about Dude going to restitution camp. I worried through 2 alkaseltzers, 1 axid and a Prilosec, 1 rolaids soft vanilla chew (could be candy), and pacing up and down the hall after nothing on 3 am tv would get my mind off of tomorrows events. I'm sick with fear that Dude will go to trial and end up in prison for 15 years - and so is he. And in his adolescent/depressed mind frame - despite being a smart kid? He's mentioned on a down day the "What does it matter it would be easier to just be gone." and I know what he means. If they send him to prison for 15 years - I imagine through his statements that he'll attempt to take his life shortly after. And I THINK nae - DWELL on that on occasion and then I try to push the thougth out of my head and look for some incling of maturity in the now. </p><p> </p><p>I try in an effort to stave off bad thoughts - by remembering ALL THE OTHER things that I worried about with Dude, and ALL THE OTHER sleepless nights I have had - and how that worked for me. And oddly enough I could remember a few of the really bad things - surgery with impending paralsys of his face sticks out - and broken tooth would he have to have a fake one? And the night I stayed up when he went to jail was a distant 2nd. The first night they took him to the hospital when he attempted suicide didn't register until I really started to think and then I didn't know if THAT was a good thing or a "you're a bad mom because you didn't remember that" type thing. </p><p> </p><p>But what DID make sense and help me was that ALL THOSE THINGs that I had stayed up for, and whatever will happen will happen - happened? Are past - the things I try to think about when all the black rain comes into my head are things like - him hugging the Easter Bunny at the Kmart - and saying I LOVE you to EVERYONE as we passed them in the grocery when he was about 18 months old - or how he kissed each toad that he put into my bed under the covers when he was 4 - they make me cry now to think about them - but it reminds me that he was a sweet child at one time</p><p>I was a good Mom - </p><p> </p><p>He DOES have a life separate from mine - and it's his to do with as he pleases JUST AS MUCH as it was MY LIFe to do with as I pleased from MY Mom - whom I sure I hurt as a child in making all those IT"S MY LIFE decisions......some of which I've even come to terms with enough to tell her - I was wrong. </p><p> </p><p>I've lost so many people in my life -and with each person we loose of course we rewind the tape in our head and make ourselves nuts trying to figure out if we did the right thing, second guessing, and saying should have.....but in therapy one thing that helped was finding a therapist who helped me eliminate the words SHOULD have - from my vocabulary - and just let everyone live their life. Just like I did.....just like YOU did - just like we all have. </p><p> </p><p>I gave it to a higher powers hands - and do my best to let it stay there. And I'm not saying I dont' have nights still where I'm up - (last night) is a good example - but then today - I get a call from Dude and he sounds like since I butt out - he's actually figured someone had better do this for him - um....oh yea ME (meaning him) and I'm amazed again - and found something to be proud of him - and told him I was proud of him and that I was behind him. </p><p> </p><p>And for the rest? There's Flexeril. Non-addicting, occasional need - muscle relaxers - really really. </p><p> </p><p>Hugs</p><p>Love</p><p>Star</p><p> </p><p>I guess in closing the hardest thing we face is that once they are 18 - there are no doctors, no people left to look at what WE still perceive as OUR CHILD that is going to say - He'll be okay - </p><p> </p><p>So trying to move forward without that type of reassurance is hard - maybe KNOWING that it's not coming and preparing yourself for it can help. I realized last year sometime that there really wasn't going to be anyone telling me anymore - "Oh this will pass he'll be okay." like a doctor, nurse, psychiatrist, mentor, anyone....no one - and the most unfair thing of all is that while he's physically 18 - he's mentally about 14 - and the world is saying "No Mom - he's 18 now - he's out on his own he's this, he's that." and your brain is going 'BUT HE DOESN"T ACT LIKE AN 18 year old people WAKE UP - look at him - he's about a 12 at best....on a good day 14. Would you do that throw him out thing to a 14 year old?" and I have to tell myself - yes. Because ALL that I had tried - was unsuccessful - so MAYBE - MAYBE the last refuge for him is doing it on his own - and living a hard life and seeing and KNOWING that if he just TRIED - I'll be there for him to help him with a hand up - not a hand out. </p><p> </p><p>And somehow - I'll survive this broken heart - and do JUST LIKE EVERYWOMAN said and Imagine him - at 30 with children happy and working and then I'll kick myself squarely in the @$$ for about 2 weeks straight, go on a bender until I puke and find somewhere to sit and laugh with God because after all my life did work out and I wasted time worrying. </p><p> </p><p>(I've been known to dance nude in the moonlight - so maybe I'll tape on the old chicken livers ONE MO' TIME) - and by then I'll be 60 is so that should secure my placement in a state B&B - which by my calculations will be RIGHT on time - as I will have outlived crazy and be looking for a place to get my fill....Know what I mean?? I'll have this jones for nutty people - because all the people in MY life will be sane and happy - BWAH HA HA.......</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Star*, post: 204886, member: 4964"] Ahhhhh HA I KNEW I wasn't the ONLY one...... Dear Sister of the Night Terrors, I'm writing to you today through bloodshot eyes, and should even one of those eyes find it's way to the matching bottom lid I will surely fall asleep. I have my doubts on which is worse, being up all night and worrying about your child's supposed and impending future or the fact that you really can not take a 15 minute powernap in your office and get away with it. (Swear I am starting to wonder if I could do it in the potty) men seem to respect you if you can be in a bathroom with yourself for longer than 15 minutes - perhaps I'll nap there. Wonder how bad an alarm clock would echo in a restroom? Moving on. See last night - I sat up and worried about Dude going to restitution camp. I worried through 2 alkaseltzers, 1 axid and a Prilosec, 1 rolaids soft vanilla chew (could be candy), and pacing up and down the hall after nothing on 3 am tv would get my mind off of tomorrows events. I'm sick with fear that Dude will go to trial and end up in prison for 15 years - and so is he. And in his adolescent/depressed mind frame - despite being a smart kid? He's mentioned on a down day the "What does it matter it would be easier to just be gone." and I know what he means. If they send him to prison for 15 years - I imagine through his statements that he'll attempt to take his life shortly after. And I THINK nae - DWELL on that on occasion and then I try to push the thougth out of my head and look for some incling of maturity in the now. I try in an effort to stave off bad thoughts - by remembering ALL THE OTHER things that I worried about with Dude, and ALL THE OTHER sleepless nights I have had - and how that worked for me. And oddly enough I could remember a few of the really bad things - surgery with impending paralsys of his face sticks out - and broken tooth would he have to have a fake one? And the night I stayed up when he went to jail was a distant 2nd. The first night they took him to the hospital when he attempted suicide didn't register until I really started to think and then I didn't know if THAT was a good thing or a "you're a bad mom because you didn't remember that" type thing. But what DID make sense and help me was that ALL THOSE THINGs that I had stayed up for, and whatever will happen will happen - happened? Are past - the things I try to think about when all the black rain comes into my head are things like - him hugging the Easter Bunny at the Kmart - and saying I LOVE you to EVERYONE as we passed them in the grocery when he was about 18 months old - or how he kissed each toad that he put into my bed under the covers when he was 4 - they make me cry now to think about them - but it reminds me that he was a sweet child at one time I was a good Mom - He DOES have a life separate from mine - and it's his to do with as he pleases JUST AS MUCH as it was MY LIFe to do with as I pleased from MY Mom - whom I sure I hurt as a child in making all those IT"S MY LIFE decisions......some of which I've even come to terms with enough to tell her - I was wrong. I've lost so many people in my life -and with each person we loose of course we rewind the tape in our head and make ourselves nuts trying to figure out if we did the right thing, second guessing, and saying should have.....but in therapy one thing that helped was finding a therapist who helped me eliminate the words SHOULD have - from my vocabulary - and just let everyone live their life. Just like I did.....just like YOU did - just like we all have. I gave it to a higher powers hands - and do my best to let it stay there. And I'm not saying I dont' have nights still where I'm up - (last night) is a good example - but then today - I get a call from Dude and he sounds like since I butt out - he's actually figured someone had better do this for him - um....oh yea ME (meaning him) and I'm amazed again - and found something to be proud of him - and told him I was proud of him and that I was behind him. And for the rest? There's Flexeril. Non-addicting, occasional need - muscle relaxers - really really. Hugs Love Star I guess in closing the hardest thing we face is that once they are 18 - there are no doctors, no people left to look at what WE still perceive as OUR CHILD that is going to say - He'll be okay - So trying to move forward without that type of reassurance is hard - maybe KNOWING that it's not coming and preparing yourself for it can help. I realized last year sometime that there really wasn't going to be anyone telling me anymore - "Oh this will pass he'll be okay." like a doctor, nurse, psychiatrist, mentor, anyone....no one - and the most unfair thing of all is that while he's physically 18 - he's mentally about 14 - and the world is saying "No Mom - he's 18 now - he's out on his own he's this, he's that." and your brain is going 'BUT HE DOESN"T ACT LIKE AN 18 year old people WAKE UP - look at him - he's about a 12 at best....on a good day 14. Would you do that throw him out thing to a 14 year old?" and I have to tell myself - yes. Because ALL that I had tried - was unsuccessful - so MAYBE - MAYBE the last refuge for him is doing it on his own - and living a hard life and seeing and KNOWING that if he just TRIED - I'll be there for him to help him with a hand up - not a hand out. And somehow - I'll survive this broken heart - and do JUST LIKE EVERYWOMAN said and Imagine him - at 30 with children happy and working and then I'll kick myself squarely in the @$$ for about 2 weeks straight, go on a bender until I puke and find somewhere to sit and laugh with God because after all my life did work out and I wasted time worrying. (I've been known to dance nude in the moonlight - so maybe I'll tape on the old chicken livers ONE MO' TIME) - and by then I'll be 60 is so that should secure my placement in a state B&B - which by my calculations will be RIGHT on time - as I will have outlived crazy and be looking for a place to get my fill....Know what I mean?? I'll have this jones for nutty people - because all the people in MY life will be sane and happy - BWAH HA HA....... [/QUOTE]
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