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Gfg32 update --Should I send him an email?
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<blockquote data-quote="Scent of Cedar *" data-source="post: 621645" data-attributes="member: 17461"><p>Hi, Strength</p><p></p><p>I am glad you posted. Know you and your family are in my thoughts. Your difficult child is so much like mine....</p><p></p><p>I miss my son today.</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>You aren't going to believe this, Strength? But there is no work in the state my son lives in, either. When he lived in the state we lived in? There was a peculiar labor surfeit there, too.</p><p></p><p>Do you remember the Chevy Chase movie Christmas Vacation? The cousin who hasn't worked for seven years because he is holding out for a management position? I thought that was so funny...until it turned out to be my son.</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>Okay, so that's where all the jobs went, then. Given that difficult child has a degree, has he applied? Does he have interviews waiting? It is so helpful to make a list for ourselves of the way things would have to look for our difficult children before we send money.</p><p></p><p>An interview would be one of those things. Rumors of how good things are going to be tomorrow if you just give me money today...not so good.</p><p></p><p>What are the circumstances under which you would not resent helping your difficult child son? Recovering Enabler told me once that this is how we know whether we are helping or enabling. There will be a sense of resentment, of frustration and hopelessness when we are enabling.</p><p></p><p>Helping will feel so real, so good.</p><p></p><p>Enabling will feel bad. Try not to do it ~ at least, not with any dreams attached. We have been giving difficult child daughter between $20 and $50 weekly since last summer. (Not now, because she has her tax return money.) husband said he did not want his daughter penniless on the streets. He could not do that. The money was a small thing, to allow husband to face himself in the mirror in the morning. We all reach a place where we have done what we can to make it possible for us to live with ourselves and with what has happened to our kids. That place will look different for each of us. It is vitally important though that we not fall into the dream along with our difficult children.</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>I don't feel anything one way or another about this. Why did he mention it? So you would believe he has money already and just needs a little more to make the new start in the state where all the work is? Aren't all kinds of drugs legal in Washington state, too? </p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>girlfriend will get the money from grandma. They are both banking on that. girlfriend has a degree. That does not make her immune to addiction or enabling behaviors. girlfriend may be lying about her family involvement. </p><p></p><p>Something is not right about that situation. I thought girlfriend was leaving difficult child? </p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>That is husband's response. It is easier. He doesn't need to think about it anymore. We are tens of thousands of dollars into that "easier" response.</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>I agree. And the reason the money is gone will be so believable....</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>He still has his laptop and Nexus pad? </p><p></p><p>Then there really is no reason at all that he should not have applied for work in the state where all the jobs are, or in the state he is in, now. Same for girlfriend. And yet, neither has a job or an interview.</p><p></p><p>What would you and your husband have done (or grandma and grandpa) with two weeks paid motel room and then, nothing. </p><p></p><p>You would have found work.</p><p></p><p>You might still need help, but you would be working.</p><p></p><p>You would be waiting to hear on interviews.</p><p></p><p>You would be trying so hard.</p><p></p><p>Please think about what your son will have to do before you send him another penny.</p><p></p><p>Treatment?</p><p>Interview?</p><p>Job ~ any kind of job. Telemarketing, cab driver, grocery stocker, WalMart, McDonald's. He would be telling you already if he had applied and been rejected. He has not applied. That is not a good sign.</p><p></p><p>There were going to be hard times coming if you stood up to your son, Strength. There were going to be hard times coming if you buckled and let him move back into your home. There were going to be hard times coming no matter what.</p><p></p><p>It is the situation that is bad, not you, and not your son.</p><p></p><p>It is going to hurt, you are going to question yourselves, whatever decision you make. </p><p></p><p>We are here, Strength. Whatever you decide, however it works or does not work out, we are right here.</p><p></p><p>:O)</p><p></p><p>Cedar</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Scent of Cedar *, post: 621645, member: 17461"] Hi, Strength I am glad you posted. Know you and your family are in my thoughts. Your difficult child is so much like mine.... I miss my son today. You aren't going to believe this, Strength? But there is no work in the state my son lives in, either. When he lived in the state we lived in? There was a peculiar labor surfeit there, too. Do you remember the Chevy Chase movie Christmas Vacation? The cousin who hasn't worked for seven years because he is holding out for a management position? I thought that was so funny...until it turned out to be my son. Okay, so that's where all the jobs went, then. Given that difficult child has a degree, has he applied? Does he have interviews waiting? It is so helpful to make a list for ourselves of the way things would have to look for our difficult children before we send money. An interview would be one of those things. Rumors of how good things are going to be tomorrow if you just give me money today...not so good. What are the circumstances under which you would not resent helping your difficult child son? Recovering Enabler told me once that this is how we know whether we are helping or enabling. There will be a sense of resentment, of frustration and hopelessness when we are enabling. Helping will feel so real, so good. Enabling will feel bad. Try not to do it ~ at least, not with any dreams attached. We have been giving difficult child daughter between $20 and $50 weekly since last summer. (Not now, because she has her tax return money.) husband said he did not want his daughter penniless on the streets. He could not do that. The money was a small thing, to allow husband to face himself in the mirror in the morning. We all reach a place where we have done what we can to make it possible for us to live with ourselves and with what has happened to our kids. That place will look different for each of us. It is vitally important though that we not fall into the dream along with our difficult children. I don't feel anything one way or another about this. Why did he mention it? So you would believe he has money already and just needs a little more to make the new start in the state where all the work is? Aren't all kinds of drugs legal in Washington state, too? girlfriend will get the money from grandma. They are both banking on that. girlfriend has a degree. That does not make her immune to addiction or enabling behaviors. girlfriend may be lying about her family involvement. Something is not right about that situation. I thought girlfriend was leaving difficult child? That is husband's response. It is easier. He doesn't need to think about it anymore. We are tens of thousands of dollars into that "easier" response. I agree. And the reason the money is gone will be so believable.... He still has his laptop and Nexus pad? Then there really is no reason at all that he should not have applied for work in the state where all the jobs are, or in the state he is in, now. Same for girlfriend. And yet, neither has a job or an interview. What would you and your husband have done (or grandma and grandpa) with two weeks paid motel room and then, nothing. You would have found work. You might still need help, but you would be working. You would be waiting to hear on interviews. You would be trying so hard. Please think about what your son will have to do before you send him another penny. Treatment? Interview? Job ~ any kind of job. Telemarketing, cab driver, grocery stocker, WalMart, McDonald's. He would be telling you already if he had applied and been rejected. He has not applied. That is not a good sign. There were going to be hard times coming if you stood up to your son, Strength. There were going to be hard times coming if you buckled and let him move back into your home. There were going to be hard times coming no matter what. It is the situation that is bad, not you, and not your son. It is going to hurt, you are going to question yourselves, whatever decision you make. We are here, Strength. Whatever you decide, however it works or does not work out, we are right here. :O) Cedar [/QUOTE]
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