Going around in circles.

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by a mother hurting, Jun 16, 2016.

  1. Heather52

    Heather52 Member

    I haven't had a relationship with my 42 year ok'd daughter for a year now but for the exception of making arrangements to see my grandson and to argue via texts. We cannot communicate over the phone because she talks over me, and she yells when I don't agree. She claims I'm trying to start a fight when I'm not and her recent charge was I was harassing her via texts but him only responding to her texts with comments of my own.

    I am so conflicted. I know she wants to reconnect. She wanted to a couple of times, we try and it ends up in a huge fight. I want my daughter back but I know without a doubt I will be here again within a year because she won't change. The demands , the guilt trips and the control will rear its ugly head again. The ostrasizing of her father will continue and I'm once again stuck in the middle. I suffered and still am but There is one thing that I know, I will not survive a repeat. That's why I'm too afraid to try,

    Our last fight started in her misreading my text, concluding that I wanted a reconciliation. Once I corrected her then she got extremely abusive. My daughter if 42 years of age told me to F---k off twice and told me if I tried to contact her again she woukd have me. Charged with harassment. I totally lost it because that's the first time she said that to me and I reacted and acted so badly and so out of character for me. I told her she was dead to me and told her that she no longer and the right to call me mom and her father Dad. I texted her friend who played an important part towards our estrangement and gave it to her. I held it together for a year and took pride for the mist part on keeping myself in check and trying to rise above my daughters behavior. . But I lost it with the most repugnant word that I know and up to this point my children who are almost middle age would never say it in my presence except for now. I texted her and apologized without making excuses for the awful things I said but I can't apologize for what I said to her friend. Now I worry if I completely severed our relationship.

    My therapist also suggested that my daughter maybe suffering from borderline personality disorder when I explained my daughters behavior. I'm conflicted about that as well brcause she has never been diagnosed but I know she has been on and off seeing a therapist due to unresolved childhood hurts and her behaviorscare that of a person who is suffering from borderline. All I can say , one of her behaviors goes this way, if you upset her enough she has no issue with using her only child to punish the grandparents when we step out of line . One grandmother hasn't been able to see thus child for 4 years now. This child is suffering from anxiety and the loss of his grandmother. My daughter justifies it by saying that she won't be able to hurt him again. She never hurt him in the beginning, She did something very stupid towards the parents, never the child.

    I love my daughter but I don't like her. I want her back but I'm too afraid to try,
  2. Tanya M

    Tanya M Living with an attitude of gratitude Staff Member

    Welcome! I'm sorry for your hurting heart. Your story is a familiar one here. On these pages you will find wonderful support and encouragement.
    I'm glad you are seeing a therapist. Please know that while your daughter may suffer from a form of mental illness there is nothing you can do for her. She has to recognize for herself and want to get help for herself. All you can do is try to live your life the very best you can.
    As hard as it is to accept, sometimes we have to do just that and accept that we will never have that warm fuzzy loving relationship with our kids that we want.
    I'm glad you are here with us. Others will come along and share.
    ((HUGS)) to you.
  3. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    I have been estranged from one child for eleven years. I am just starting to talk about it here.
    Read my post which is called something like the worst sort of abuse. You are not alone. It's an epidemic...Kids divorcing their loving parents. More later.

    Borderline (BPD) is but one of many reasons grown kids abuse and estrange us. We need to take care of ourselves.