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<blockquote data-quote="Childofmine" data-source="post: 650337" data-attributes="member: 17542"><p>Oh Alb. Ugh. I cannot fathom these types of things. I will never get it. I think that's the point. </p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>We are operating on one level and they operate on another. Never the twain shall meet. If we're lucky, there are intersections, from time to time, but like HLM's post, they are fleeting. </p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>Or they don't seem to. Maybe their own survival is so tenuous and they are so afraid and that takes up everything they have, that there is no room for thinking about others. I don't know. I know my difficult child loves me and has loved me throughout his stuff. I see it and feel it. But it didn't change his behavior. The disease is stronger than love. Our love to fix it or their love to show us they care.</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>I so agree with this. In fact, I think if we can stop doing this, it is great for us and for them. I have understood that addicts have a tremendous amount of guilt for all they have done/not done. Our heaping more on them doesn't help anything. And it helps me to realize this is not about me. Never was. Never will be. </p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>I do too, Cedar. I think in trying to make sense of it all (we never will) we "other" them so we can say, well, they just don't feel like we do. I believe many of our difficult children do feel like we do, but the disease is just too powerful. It helps us to other them, but I'm not sure we are right about that.</p><p></p><p>I love Cedar's white candle. I went and bought a white candle for difficult child and put it in a yellow holder. It was so positive and cheerful. For a long time I had it on the kitchen table, when he was homeless and I didn't know anything or much about him day to day. That candle helped me. It was a positive thing for me. </p><p></p><p>Alb, maybe you could have a white candle there, for him and for you.</p><p></p><p>yes, detachment with love. That's the ticket. Continuing that work on yourself, Alb. You have been socked in the gut again, but there is no way to know the future or to protect yourself from it. </p><p></p><p>We can only hope and believe he will come back and at some point, somehow, someday, he will want consistent help and he will start his life over again. That is what I hope for you and for him.</p><p></p><p>I hope today is a better day, Alb.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Childofmine, post: 650337, member: 17542"] Oh Alb. Ugh. I cannot fathom these types of things. I will never get it. I think that's the point. We are operating on one level and they operate on another. Never the twain shall meet. If we're lucky, there are intersections, from time to time, but like HLM's post, they are fleeting. Or they don't seem to. Maybe their own survival is so tenuous and they are so afraid and that takes up everything they have, that there is no room for thinking about others. I don't know. I know my difficult child loves me and has loved me throughout his stuff. I see it and feel it. But it didn't change his behavior. The disease is stronger than love. Our love to fix it or their love to show us they care. I so agree with this. In fact, I think if we can stop doing this, it is great for us and for them. I have understood that addicts have a tremendous amount of guilt for all they have done/not done. Our heaping more on them doesn't help anything. And it helps me to realize this is not about me. Never was. Never will be. I do too, Cedar. I think in trying to make sense of it all (we never will) we "other" them so we can say, well, they just don't feel like we do. I believe many of our difficult children do feel like we do, but the disease is just too powerful. It helps us to other them, but I'm not sure we are right about that. I love Cedar's white candle. I went and bought a white candle for difficult child and put it in a yellow holder. It was so positive and cheerful. For a long time I had it on the kitchen table, when he was homeless and I didn't know anything or much about him day to day. That candle helped me. It was a positive thing for me. Alb, maybe you could have a white candle there, for him and for you. yes, detachment with love. That's the ticket. Continuing that work on yourself, Alb. You have been socked in the gut again, but there is no way to know the future or to protect yourself from it. We can only hope and believe he will come back and at some point, somehow, someday, he will want consistent help and he will start his life over again. That is what I hope for you and for him. I hope today is a better day, Alb. [/QUOTE]
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