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<blockquote data-quote="Albatross" data-source="post: 650582" data-attributes="member: 17720"><p>Thank you for all of your thoughtful and thought-provoking posts, as usual.</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>I have been thinking a lot about this comment, Cedar, about the kinds of things I would like to do to make my life bigger. But I have to say, you do so with great style!</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>I love this so much.</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>Yes, this is me exactly. I often think the deeper he goes into substance use and not responding to his family and pulling away from the things that keep him centered, the less likely we are to see "him" shine through again.</p><p></p><p>But I am getting to the point where I think maybe that "him" I always assume is underneath? That might not be who he is anymore. And that makes me sad.</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>Yes, I can see this, COM. I am certainly guilty of "othering" him, even demonizing him, in an effort to try to have some certainty to hold onto, even if it is bad. I can see where my need for a sense of control can even overshadow my hope, and that can't be for the good.</p><p></p><p>What's that quote from The Shawshank Redemption? I should know it by heart; that movie seems to be on at least weekly.</p><p></p><p>Something about hope being a good thing, maybe the best thing, and no good thing ever dies..</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>Yes. Sometimes it feels like the water is smooth and glassy, we're sailing along or maybe soaking up a little sun on the deck...and something surfaces. Sometimes we're not even sure what it was, or maybe it was just enough to rock the boat a little bit. Other times it is enough to nearly capsize us.</p><p></p><p>We are pirates in many ways I guess.</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>It is so hard, SO HARD, for me to walk this line, to remember who <u><em><strong>I </strong></em></u>want to be in this journey, when it is so easy, SO EASY to put the focus on what I perceive <u><em><strong>HE</strong></em></u> ought to be.</p><p></p><p>And that freedom...in terms of complete freedom from THIS, from HIM and all of his BS...</p><p></p><p>I guess complete freedom would mean not much caring anymore.</p><p></p><p>Hmmm...well, that is NOT what I would have, even though sometimes I might vent enough to seem like it.</p><p></p><p>I never really had that brought home to me before.</p><p></p><p>To have nothing left to lose...goes back to that hope thing again.</p><p></p><p>I think we have to keep a sliver of hope.</p><p></p><p>Maybe we should call it a splinter of hope, because sometimes it hurts to keep it there.</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>I agree with this. It will never be the moms or dads who post here who lack empathy. This is pretty much a self-selecting group of parents who care deeply.</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>Not sure I agree with this one. I think we can empathize with them without buying into their BS. Even at my angriest, when my son is at his worst, I feel sorrowful that he seems to be trapped in a hell of his own making.</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>I am not sure if your comment is directed to me or to Cedar.</p><p></p><p>I don't see any guilt or naivete about the reality of her situation coming from Cedar. Cedar is my rock and definitely one of my heroines around here for that very reason. She sees it all and she still hopes and loves, and she pulls us all up with her.</p><p></p><p>From me...well, perhaps. Perhaps I am still adjusting to what I am dealing with and not fully appreciating how the story might end. </p><p></p><p>But certainly no guilt on my end (other than feeling a little inadequate sometimes, because I feel I get way more than I give in terms of support). </p><p></p><p>OH! And I heard from him. He is casting blame and dodging responsibility, BUT he has a chance to come out clean on the other side of these charges, IF he follows through.</p><p></p><p>Past behavior would indicate he won't...but he might.</p><p></p><p>And I know that he is alive, and he knows that we love him and expect him to pull up his Underoos and deal with the mess he made. So today is a good day.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Albatross, post: 650582, member: 17720"] Thank you for all of your thoughtful and thought-provoking posts, as usual. I have been thinking a lot about this comment, Cedar, about the kinds of things I would like to do to make my life bigger. But I have to say, you do so with great style! I love this so much. Yes, this is me exactly. I often think the deeper he goes into substance use and not responding to his family and pulling away from the things that keep him centered, the less likely we are to see "him" shine through again. But I am getting to the point where I think maybe that "him" I always assume is underneath? That might not be who he is anymore. And that makes me sad. Yes, I can see this, COM. I am certainly guilty of "othering" him, even demonizing him, in an effort to try to have some certainty to hold onto, even if it is bad. I can see where my need for a sense of control can even overshadow my hope, and that can't be for the good. What's that quote from The Shawshank Redemption? I should know it by heart; that movie seems to be on at least weekly. Something about hope being a good thing, maybe the best thing, and no good thing ever dies.. Yes. Sometimes it feels like the water is smooth and glassy, we're sailing along or maybe soaking up a little sun on the deck...and something surfaces. Sometimes we're not even sure what it was, or maybe it was just enough to rock the boat a little bit. Other times it is enough to nearly capsize us. We are pirates in many ways I guess. It is so hard, SO HARD, for me to walk this line, to remember who [U][I][B]I [/B][/I][/U]want to be in this journey, when it is so easy, SO EASY to put the focus on what I perceive [U][I][B]HE[/B][/I][/U] ought to be. And that freedom...in terms of complete freedom from THIS, from HIM and all of his BS... I guess complete freedom would mean not much caring anymore. Hmmm...well, that is NOT what I would have, even though sometimes I might vent enough to seem like it. I never really had that brought home to me before. To have nothing left to lose...goes back to that hope thing again. I think we have to keep a sliver of hope. Maybe we should call it a splinter of hope, because sometimes it hurts to keep it there. I agree with this. It will never be the moms or dads who post here who lack empathy. This is pretty much a self-selecting group of parents who care deeply. Not sure I agree with this one. I think we can empathize with them without buying into their BS. Even at my angriest, when my son is at his worst, I feel sorrowful that he seems to be trapped in a hell of his own making. I am not sure if your comment is directed to me or to Cedar. I don't see any guilt or naivete about the reality of her situation coming from Cedar. Cedar is my rock and definitely one of my heroines around here for that very reason. She sees it all and she still hopes and loves, and she pulls us all up with her. From me...well, perhaps. Perhaps I am still adjusting to what I am dealing with and not fully appreciating how the story might end. But certainly no guilt on my end (other than feeling a little inadequate sometimes, because I feel I get way more than I give in terms of support). OH! And I heard from him. He is casting blame and dodging responsibility, BUT he has a chance to come out clean on the other side of these charges, IF he follows through. Past behavior would indicate he won't...but he might. And I know that he is alive, and he knows that we love him and expect him to pull up his Underoos and deal with the mess he made. So today is a good day. [/QUOTE]
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