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Good Tuesday Morning
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<blockquote data-quote="Copabanana" data-source="post: 690879" data-attributes="member: 18958"><p>Thank you lil.</p><p></p><p>I do not want to disappoint you, but it was very hard. I lacked confidence. I felt vulnerable and I did not carry it well. I gave that beseeching look to the (handsome)supervisor...and looked like a deer in headlights. And when I realized I was doing it, I panicked more.</p><p></p><p>I felt old and over the hill. Almost defeated. It was not a pretty picture.</p><p></p><p>I have performed without flaw in every job in my profession within a prison at every custody level and level of care. And I felt like a has been, an old horse ready for slaughter.</p><p></p><p>How much worse could it have been? When I returned to prisons after a 4 year absence almost 10 years ago, it was off a grand success. I was skinny and still lovely and a tango dancer and having run around all over Latin America with a kid.</p><p></p><p>And today? A has been.</p><p></p><p>I think it has to do with several things: one, I really do not want to be back to work and I am doing it to recoup the money I have spent these last few years. Two. What happened to me after my mother died. I lost confidence that I could make decisions in life that were valid, actually, the confidence that I lived life well.</p><p></p><p>It is one thing to write posts. It is another to be "out there."</p><p></p><p>As M said on the way home: having been the best at all of the prisons in the world does not mean much if you cannot conquer your fear.</p><p></p><p>I am not afraid of the prisoners. The staff were very nice and welcoming. I am afraid of myself. I am afraid in myself. I do not trust myself to pull one more win out of a hat. I am afraid to get back in the saddle.</p><p></p><p>Not good.</p><p></p><p>However much I can conceive that this 6 month stint (if they keep me) is for me to work this out personally, get myself to the other side--out of this difficult period in my life--it is terrible and horrible to feel like I do. I have really abandoned myself. And I am not sure why.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Copabanana, post: 690879, member: 18958"] Thank you lil. I do not want to disappoint you, but it was very hard. I lacked confidence. I felt vulnerable and I did not carry it well. I gave that beseeching look to the (handsome)supervisor...and looked like a deer in headlights. And when I realized I was doing it, I panicked more. I felt old and over the hill. Almost defeated. It was not a pretty picture. I have performed without flaw in every job in my profession within a prison at every custody level and level of care. And I felt like a has been, an old horse ready for slaughter. How much worse could it have been? When I returned to prisons after a 4 year absence almost 10 years ago, it was off a grand success. I was skinny and still lovely and a tango dancer and having run around all over Latin America with a kid. And today? A has been. I think it has to do with several things: one, I really do not want to be back to work and I am doing it to recoup the money I have spent these last few years. Two. What happened to me after my mother died. I lost confidence that I could make decisions in life that were valid, actually, the confidence that I lived life well. It is one thing to write posts. It is another to be "out there." As M said on the way home: having been the best at all of the prisons in the world does not mean much if you cannot conquer your fear. I am not afraid of the prisoners. The staff were very nice and welcoming. I am afraid of myself. I am afraid in myself. I do not trust myself to pull one more win out of a hat. I am afraid to get back in the saddle. Not good. However much I can conceive that this 6 month stint (if they keep me) is for me to work this out personally, get myself to the other side--out of this difficult period in my life--it is terrible and horrible to feel like I do. I have really abandoned myself. And I am not sure why. [/QUOTE]
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