Good Tuesday Morning

[pigless in VA]

Candy is off on a field trip to Washington, D.C. It appears to be a sunny day, so I think she will have fun.

Copabanana, good luck on your first day back at work.

Seven and a half more days of school left. The kids are crazier than ever, and the used condom is still lying in the parking lot. I might decide to collect it with the rubber glove I carry. I might not. I might want to see if it survives the whole summer in the parking lot. I haven't decided.

Have a pleasant day.

 

[pasajes4]

Our last day of school was Friday. I don't work the last two weeks due to the insanity.

Go get em' Copa!!!

 

[KTMom91]

Our last day is Friday, but mine was yesterday. 102 degrees, 34 bored fourth graders, supplies already packed up because they're remodeling this summer...so we took stuff off the bulletin boards, passed everything out to go home, and cleaned desks. After lunch, we watched a movie and the boys decided to pull off their shoes and smell each other's feet. I was never so happy to see 3:15 as I was yesterday!

It's 102 again today, and the second day of my Islam class. I have two reviews to write, and a nap to take.

Have a terrific Tuesday, and stay cool!

 

[Scent of Cedar *]

the used condom is still lying in the parking lot. I might decide to collect it with the rubber glove I carry.

I would do that, pigless.

I wondered why someone would throw it there and leave it there. Who knows what kind of pain that condom represents for someone? I think it would not represent joy. It's such an awful, piggish thing to leave lying around.

How strange someone at the school did not ask the groundskeeper to dispose of it.

Such ugly imagery.

Yes. I would get rid of it.

In my HazMat suit. In addition to a thing about spiders you guys? I have a thing about germs.

Ahem.

Copabanana, good luck on your first day back at work.

Go get em' Copa!!!

Yes!

***

Our weather this morning is cool, windy, and beautifully sunny. Northern Lights have been dancing through the skies here at night, but we have been too cloudy for them to be visible for us. Mars is said to be making quite a spectacle of itself, too. Tonight, with our skies clearing, we will be able to see them both.

This was taken (not by me) earlier this year:

I am putting in another rock garden, and will begin that today. Woodtick numbers are way down, with no sightings for the past week.

Wishing everyone a nice day.



Cedar

 

[Scent of Cedar *]

After lunch, we watched a movie and the boys decided to pull off their shoes and smell each other's feet

Ha!

For heaven's sake.

Boys are so cute.

Cedar

 

[RN0441]

Happy Tuesday!

We are leaving for Florida in the morning for a five day weekend. Really looking forward to getting away and hoping the bad weather is gone. It was mainly in central Florida and we are far south so hoping we'll miss it all.

Had a FaceTime with Difficult Child last night. He was showing us a spider by his pool that he said is so big it looks like a crab! They are supposed to get an exterminator because they have a spider problem in their pool so no one swims. Also showed us his new haircut. Damn I love that kid when he's normal!


Have a peaceful day.

 

[Lil]

I slept. Granted, I took a very old Vicodin I had in the cabinet from when I hurt my back, but I didn't wake up with my shoulders screaming at me and was relaxed and rested for a change when I woke up this morning. Still, I feel weird that I took it. I mean, it's not even a very high dosage, but still. I need to see an actual MD for the shoulders I think.

@Copabanana I know you won't see this until after you get off work - so I hope you had a great first day!

Off to training!

 

[Copabanana]

I know you won't see this until after you get off work - so I hope you had a great first day!

Thank you lil.

I do not want to disappoint you, but it was very hard. I lacked confidence. I felt vulnerable and I did not carry it well. I gave that beseeching look to the (handsome)supervisor...and looked like a deer in headlights. And when I realized I was doing it, I panicked more.

I felt old and over the hill. Almost defeated. It was not a pretty picture.

I have performed without flaw in every job in my profession within a prison at every custody level and level of care. And I felt like a has been, an old horse ready for slaughter.

How much worse could it have been? When I returned to prisons after a 4 year absence almost 10 years ago, it was off a grand success. I was skinny and still lovely and a tango dancer and having run around all over Latin America with a kid.

And today? A has been.

I think it has to do with several things: one, I really do not want to be back to work and I am doing it to recoup the money I have spent these last few years. Two. What happened to me after my mother died. I lost confidence that I could make decisions in life that were valid, actually, the confidence that I lived life well.

It is one thing to write posts. It is another to be "out there."

As M said on the way home: having been the best at all of the prisons in the world does not mean much if you cannot conquer your fear.

I am not afraid of the prisoners. The staff were very nice and welcoming. I am afraid of myself. I am afraid in myself. I do not trust myself to pull one more win out of a hat. I am afraid to get back in the saddle.

Not good.

However much I can conceive that this 6 month stint (if they keep me) is for me to work this out personally, get myself to the other side--out of this difficult period in my life--it is terrible and horrible to feel like I do. I have really abandoned myself. And I am not sure why.

 

[Lil]

Aw Copa, I'm so sorry! But it was just the first day. I'm SURE that you can do this. You are entirely to bright and capable to fail. You are STILL the woman who danced the tango and was successful at these jobs. You will remember that. Big hugs to you. Deep breathes. You can do this!

 

[AppleCori]

You had a good day, Copa.

You know why I know that--because you tried. You did something hard. You put yourself out there.

You did a very brave thing.

I remember watching an interview of the young woman that started the Spanx (underwear) company. This was years ago, but one thing she said moved me so much that I remember it to this day. She told the story of how, every night at dinner, her father would ask his kids to tell him what they tried and failed at that day. She told the interviewer how she would gleefully talk about what she tried to do and whether it went bad or not was irrelevant and how it taught her to put herself out there and not to be afraid of success or failure.

I have always tried to remember that and teach my kids that.

It is a beautiful way to look at life.

Don't worry about failing.

And don't worry about your 'beseeching' look. Chances are--that is only one interpretation and others don't see it that way at all.

We are here for you.

Apple

 

[Jabberwockey]

I am not afraid of the prisoners. The staff were very nice and welcoming. I am afraid of myself. I am afraid in myself. I do not trust myself to pull one more win out of a hat. I am afraid to get back in the saddle.

You don't need to pull a win out of your hat. You don't need to be a huge success. When I go to work every day, I'm not trying to change the world. That's impossible for me to do. I'm trying to make a positive impact on ONE person, that's it. Just one person, be it an offender or new staff member with their entire career in front of them is irrelevant. You have a wealth of knowledge and experience to share, don't be so afraid of failure that someone else may be deprived of that knowledge or experience.

I will be in Core training all this week so will only be able to be on at night. Ironically, I can have my phone at training, its just that the signal is so crappy that I can barely text much less get on the internet. I did interview for a promotion today. Did alright but not really too concerned about it. Still not exactly sure if I even want the job or not.

 

[Copabanana]

her father would ask his kids to tell him what they tried and failed at that day.

Thank you Apple. This is really it. Over and over again we hear wise people say it is how we handle our fails that define us. And to be honest with myself, I was never a quitter.

It is that this experience with my mother's dying and how it affected me, and my son, and how that affected me: You know how it feels. There is no hurt in the world worse than feeling you failed your own, your people. Failing the people you love the most. It is almost like I want to give up on myself, throw myself under the bus, because I failed myself--at love.

I am wondering if I feel like to stand up like a champ at this stage of my life feels like I am standing on top of the dead and wounded. Like this is some kind of survivor's guilt. Which it sure sounds like it is.

How can I prosper when my kid is not? How can I feel like a survivor when my mother is dead, and while I helped her in the end, I did not subordinate myself and my life to her--instead was running around dancing and traveling and going to prison when I wanted. Which infuriated her, the kind of freedom I demanded for myself. She wanted me to be a drone and trapped.

It is like I am taking all of the fun out of what should be a victory lap. I mean, they treated me today like I was Muhammad Ali. And I couldn't keep up with it. Every time I was empowered by others I kept making myself weaker and weaker. It was humiliating how I acted. I feel humiliated.

You have a wealth of knowledge and experience to share, don't be so afraid of failure that someone else may be deprived of that knowledge or experience.

Thank you Jabber. This is really it. I need to get myself out of it. It is really not about me. It is about the work. I have nothing to prove.

I mean, something in one of Cedar's posts today struck me. It was where she posted about Cesar Milan the dog whisperer. She said, we are the dogs. We have to learn to begin to treat ourselves like Cesar Milan handles dogs. Which is to say essentially to take control: to learn to dominate ourselves, to subordinate ourselves not by cruelty but by calming ourselves.

Cedar said something like: we feel we have failed so much, that we have no confidence in anything anymore (me). Essentially we have to get a grip, and get dominance over this out of control thinking.

I mean: I f'in know the work. I know my job. I know prisons. I know prisoners. I am just out of control right now. I need the dog whisperer and the only dog whisperer in site, is me. I keep, with that stupid beseeching look, looking for reassurance to the panic--that can only come from me.

I do not understand how somebody with so much confidence in their own voice, who inspires confidence, can have so much self-doubt. The dog whisperer would say just to ignore the panic. And this will disempower it.

I did interview for a promotion today.

Congratulations, Jabber. I am guessing the job you may have interviewed for. I think you would be fantastic and you would love it. And I think it would be fascinating.

Thank you. I learned a lot from your posts. Mainly, this is a state of mind that I can control. And the other piece of it is, I can be of use. That has always been important to me.

Whether it is this job or something else, I can and will find a way to be of use. Because that is who I am. This is a little bit of a hissy fit I am having and I need to cut it out.

Thank you Apple and Jabber and everybody.

Thanks guys.

 

[Copabanana]

You don't need to pull a win out of your hat. You don't need to be a huge success.

don't be so afraid of failure

I know Jabber. But for some sense I have this huge sense of failure inside of me.

You know when Lil posts in despair. There is never ever any doubt in the world about Lil's competence as a person. She does not doubt herself. But then, when SON is stuck, Lil seems to become desperate and despondent. I think it must feel to her that she doesn't work-that even though every single thing she may have tried in a professional realm has been success, she may feel she has failed--because she cannot help your son.

I seem to have not come to grips with the deep sense of failure I have had for the past two and a half years, that I failed my mother, and then, to a lesser extent, my son. Because "I did not work" well enough as a person to do it right with the people I love.

There is a deep burden, the deepest sense of guilt, and self-hatred even, still, about this. It is illogical. It is irrational. It is there. You, Jabber are a realist. A pragmatist. No drama. I know this must sound do you almost like self-indulgence. I guess it is. I will stop. No amount of feeling like a failure will change the reality of the lives of the people I love and loved.

Just like we say about our kids, our self-destruction will not help them. No amount of suffering by us, will elevate them. I need to keep walking. I did the best I could my whole life. It needs to be enough. I need to accept I did my best, with what I had. I need to forgive myself, and go on and be useful in the way I can.

This private little psycho-drama needs to finally go on vacation hiatus. There is no room for it at work. That is the decision I need to make. And I will.

Thank you everybody for letting me put this out there so that I can better understand and choose to make the right decision.

 

[InsaneCdn]

Because "I did not work" well enough as a person to do it right with the people I love.

Copa.
If any one of us were beating ourselves up the way you are beating yourself up with these kinds of statements, you would be challenging OUR thinking. So... here's the mirror.
You cannot control the outcome. Nobody can. We do the best we can with what we know, and when we know better we do better.

Who on this earth can make the judgement that "you did not work well enough as a person"? No one. Not a single person, Copa. Not even you.

Be gentle with yourself

 

[pigless in VA]

Copa,

If I came on here and typed on and on about how I failed my husband, about how I didn't love him enough to keep him from committing suicide, what would you say to me?

You would tell me that I loved him as much as I possibly could. You would tell me that my best WAS good enough. You would tell me that my negative thinking is tripping me up. Then you would slap me with a fish
in order to jar me back to reality.

So you gave one person a beseeching look. So what. Don't hone in on what you perceive as your faults.

while I helped her in the end, I did not subordinate myself and my life to her--instead was running around dancing and traveling and going to prison when I wanted. Which infuriated her, the kind of freedom I demanded for myself. She wanted me to be a drone and trapped.

Copa, this is what you should have done. You should have been out living your life. If you had stayed at home and become a trapped drone, she would still be gone. I think you made the right choice in living your life. Please choose to live your life now. No amount of self-flagellation will change the outcome.

Instead of picturing yourself standing on the dead and wounded, picture yourself heading off to battle with your army of warrior parents. We got your back, sistuh!

One of the children at school is being bullied. I gave him a card yesterday that read, "I am strong like Superman." Please find an inspirational quote and write it on your hand. Read it a lot today. Sending some extra-strength vibes from Virginia~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

[ksm]

Good Tuesday morning...as I posted in PE board, we have a case plan. I have failure complex that others have shared. Just sitting around a table with six professionals discussing how to help Difficult Child succeed... You start thinking, how did we get to this point? What could I gave done better, differently, or should not have done or said...

Well time for coffee and newspaper. I will have to wait and see what happens at meeting. KSM

 

[Scent of Cedar *]

I keep, with that stupid beseeching look, looking for reassurance to the panic--that can only come from me.

Sit with the feelings, Copa. Don't judge them. Do your best. I know you will, and I know you can. In the end, what matters is that you are there. Copa. You are there. You've already won. Whatever comes next is just whatever comes next and I know you will rise to the occasion beautifully.

Cedar

Cesar does not hate the dogs who are afraid, Copa. He does not call them stupid. He does not rush at them or describe them in unflattering terms that he then believes. He allows them time to learn they are safe with him. Time to learn they can take a big chance, and trust him.

You will do beautifully. The prize is not in what others think of you.

This is for you, Copa, all of it. Because you have been brave.

 

[Copabanana]

OMG you guys. Between last night and tonight, it is like a new world.

You cannot imagine how useful were your comments, some of which I did not read until tonight. But I must have channeled them because every single one helped, especially being hit with a fish. (I smelled, but who cares?)

You would tell me that my negative thinking is tripping me up. Then you would slap me with a fish
in order to jar me back to reality.!

Be gentle with yourself

We got your back, sistuh!

I have failure complex

The prize is not in what others think of you.

This is for you, Copa, all of it. Because you have been brave.

it was just the first day

every night at dinner, her father would ask his kids to tell him what they tried and failed at that day.

don't be so afraid of failure that someone else may be deprived of that knowledge or experience.

Let me tell you what happened.

First, I watched Cedar's dog whisperer video and that context, realizing that I am the dog--and the dog trainer made all of the difference. So what did I do? I promptly went to work and told a sweet young supervisor man, my learning. And he was too kind to look at me like I was a nutcase, by the end of the day he called me a "fascinating woman." I mean, when have you at work (recently) had somebody report to you that their self-talk consisted of reminding themselves they were a misbehaving (but basically good) dog, that needed structure and support?

So, starting from this point, I realized that my obligation was to not reward the misbehavior or to add to the feeling state.

And because somebody had told me (Lil, I think) and others too, IApple) to remember it was my first day.

So, ready made, I had my intervention. I mean: First day, is so much kinder, than the alternatives I had been using such as: Alzheimer's, too old (too fat), can't cut it anymore, lost mojo, completely ruined and destroyed (fill in the blank--mother's death, son's trouble) and generally and globally failed.

I was ready this morning with: New. Oh. I am new. That is it. Nobody expects me to be other than new. And COPA, do yourself (and everybody else) the favor to allow yourself to be new--without going to fail--because this place really needs your help, and really wants you to make it. Nobody will be gratified or served by going down this road. So don't.

So I did not.

What I took away from this, is to remember, again, that every single minute of our lives we can decide to take a different course. So I did.

And I had a great day. I co-led a group on anxiety and stress. And guess what? Every single thing that you guys helped me see (in myself) I was able to share. So, Jabber, I used your intervention which essentially was, focus on your work....and helping one person. By helping myself, I was able to help a whole group.

There is no way I could ever put into words my gratitude and what it has meant to me to have you. To be able to trust that I can tell you anything at all--and you will tell me back in a way that is kind and true and generous and hopeful. What can I say? I am grateful. (And brave.)

Because I went back to work my whole life will change. I could not have done it without you. I was wrong yesterday when I said something like: posting is one thing...working is another.

I was wrong because I have been gaining strength here every day. Flexing my muscles and developing stamina. Even more, I have had the opportunity to develop my voice, as the new model COPA, integrating the trauma of these last few years. I feel stronger now then ever before. Really. Because you reminded me who I have become. Through my suffering, and the mastery I have achieved here.

I am grateful. There are no words to say how much.

Love, COPA

 

[pigless in VA]

I was wrong because I have been gaining strength here every day. Flexing my muscles and developing stamina. Even more, I have had the opportunity to develop my voice, as the new model COPA, integrating the trauma of these last few years. I feel stronger now then ever before. Really. Because you reminded me who I have become. Through my suffering, and the mastery I have achieved here.

Truly awesome, Copa. I am so proud of you.

 

[Lil]

If i could make my phone app do a"winner" rating, I'd give it to your last post @Copabanana.