I have not been on here in a long time. I have been on a support group on Facebook which has been pretty good thought I might post here too. It's been 4 years I think since I found this website and unfortunately not much has changed. A lot has changed in our life - but not much with my daughter. She was 17 when I started posting here and now she is 21. I need to give an overview (sorry for the length) so you can sort of understand. At 14 she started cutting - at 15 diagnosed with anxiety and depression got on Antidepressants - at 16 continued spiraling did some therapy but not much - at 17 started cutting school and ended up dropping out of senior year with three months to go. It is during this time, at 17, that she met her current boyfriend who was a legal adult. He was 24. We had no idea. She was MIA, living at the park, then she finally started communicating so I would take her grocery shopping and I helped her get free phone, food stamps. Well, an incident in 2017 caused her to go to the hospital with her front tooth knocked out. She and her boyfriend had a fight and apparently (I don't really know the details because she won't say) he pushed her down. By now I already knew she was living with him in his state funded apartment for 1 (and they check regularly to make sure only the one tenant is there). They would fight about this because he didn't want to lose his apartment - and I don't blame him. He was trying to improve his life. My daughter started drinking heavily at 17 and when I got to the hospital, at 10 am, she was obviously highly intoxicated. She refused to let them give her an iv and caused such a scene...at the time we thought he was an abuser. He ended up getting a felony. He went to jail for 81 days. In the meantime, my daughter moved back home and went toothless for over a year. After he was out of jail she BEGGED me to take her to court to get the protective order removed. He complied with all his probation orders - including a 18 week anger management course. After all this time, and with her insisting that she wanted to be with him, we helped her to get the paperwork done and so they could be together again. Only now he lived at his parents and she lived with us. Fast forward to summer of 2018 and he had come over, we finally met him officially and we felt he was not a threat to her and in fact very mellow and sweet and patient. We know our daughter and know that SHE has been abusive to us in the past. Both my husband and I felt that the tooth incident was most likely not an abusive situation but a one time fight they had and both of them contributed. Maybe we made a mistake. In fall of 2018 our house burned down because of the Camp Fire in northern California and thankfully we were able to purchase a home in town (our burned house was 6.5 miles up in the canyon). Since then, our daughter and her boyfriend have been living here. He purchased a car, has tried to work but the hours were crazy overtime and graveyard shift he was not being paid for overtime so he quit, he was going to community college to become a mechanic (now with Coronavirus he's not attending...I don't really know what happened). All the while, my daughter does NOTHING. She drinks - binges and ABUSES him verbally. She will go a month or so and not drink (but obviously smokes weed) and her temper is non existent. Well, yesterday, after a few consecutive nights of her verbally and mentally abusing him (which my 17 year old son could hear) we finally have given them 2 weeks notice to move out. Should have done it a long time ago or never let them in in the first place. I had to text my daughter because of course her dad, my husband told her in the morning yesterday that we had some serious things to talk about, so I knew she wouldn't come home. I gave her our notice and she, as usual, blames us for everything in her life. Most of it I can take - I know I tried to be a good mother and my husband, while not perfect, tried to be a good father. We made mistakes as all parents do and possibly this child needed more than we knew at the time. She keeps bringing up the fact that her boyfriend almost broke her face. Every time I bring up something about her drinking and how she needs to get sober, she twists it all around and mentions this incident. I am really struggling now with guilt that we allowed her to see her boyfriend again after that incident (and his jail time) but she was 18 at the time. I was trying to help her and didn't want to push her away. What else were we supposed to do? She insisted on being with him so we decided to do the best we could and get to know him and try to help them get their lives in order. I even drove him to his anger management classes (which she should have been in) She will absolutely NOT help herself in any way shape or form and she uses this incident as ammunition to manipulate me and him. She suffers from depression - anxiety - and refuses to help herself. Won't even shower more than once every week or two. But has no problem riding her bike to the store for a giant bottle of vodka. by the way we gave her money to put in a bank account when we got our insurance payout for the house that burned. It was the only fair thing we could do since she lost everything in her room too. She is spending the money on booze and dope. She is absolutely out of control and regardless of the fight they had years ago, she is obviously the instigator of so much turmoil. He is completely manipulated by her. She will threaten to kill herself if he leaves and doesn't come back...that kind of thing. My son overheard her on the phone telling him she would drown herself in the creek if he didn't come back. That was the final straw. My 17 year old son, trying to do his schoolwork, now all online - needs peace in this home. So do we. On Christmas, when we had her grandparents here and aunt, she stayed in her room wailing away at him for who knows what during dinner. How outrageous - most parents would not even believe this kind of thing. He said he was going to his parents house and she threatened to leave and walk around town by herself in the dark. I am certain she is Borderline but she has not been officially diagnosed other than anxiety and depression. Her texts to me when I told her we are giving them 2 weeks to move out were just emotional manipulation. She said "why don't you get me on antidepressants"...what? She's 21 and I told her from now on she needs to make her own appointments. I have suffered PTSD from her antics and her disease and I have tried to help the best I could. Being in a car over and over taking your daughter to the therapist, the psychiatrist, to dentist appointments, to doctor appointments, to her continuation school, and NEVER any consideration for me. half the time screaming at me while I'm driving all because I said something contrary to what she believes. She is an abuser and a violent drunk and I am sad to say I hope she gets arrested and put in jail for a while to dry out. No thanks from her for allowing her and her boyfriend to live here, rent free for a year and a half. Eating our food, using our internet, air conditioning, heat, water. I love my daughter and I cannot believe she is so troubled. She only gets like this when we set a boundary - which is rarely. This one has to stick. If she helps herself we will help her and she knows that. There's money for school, rehab, to help with rent if she gets a job, help with groceries. I know it's exceptionally expensive where we live in California. I feel heartbroken, defeated and confused - I feel guilty and I don't think I should. I try to do self care but I am just consumed with her and I feel grief for not having the mother daughter relationship I want. She might end up living at the park again - and with this virus and everything else, it worries me. She has to grow up and whether she has the SEVERE mental illness called Borderline Personality Disorder or if she is an alcoholic, she needs to learn to help herself. I am done. Thanks if you made it to the end. I really needed to get that off my chest.