healinginside
Member
A punch to the gut. That is what it feels like right now.
My son is basically homeless again. His drug of choice is marijuana and I don't think vaping helps. It seems to really affect his mind negatively.
He has clearly developed some mental issues over the last few years. Getting mental health help for him has been NEARLY IMPOSSIBLE, Every practice, since the pandemic is fully booked, we go on waiting lists and nothing ever comes of it.
Over the last year and a half, we've reached a breaking point in my house. He is 25 and basically refuses to work a regular job. I've spent half of my retirement over the last year and a half helping him. He was so disrespectful to my husband (his step dad), calling him every nasty name in the book and everyone around him. He would vape in the house, bring marijuana into the house; etc. We finally had to throw him out. Since then he has couch surfed but now has no friends left. When we do let him back in, it has gotten physical. He gaslights - it seems to be his favorite hobby - and we don't feel safe when he is here. I also have a teen daughter with my current husband.
Then there are times when he is sober and he is his regular self and it is like visiting with my child that doesn't have these problems. I say he is acting like "the regular (name)". It's great.
The car drama has been unbearable - he had a nice car that we cosigned a loan on and he totaled it, He has tickets upon tickets. It was around the time of this accident that I noticed him starting to get really out of control. I bought him an $800 car to hold him over so that he could work and save to buy a new car and he ran it into the ground - never getting his foot hold to save for a new one. He has no car for months and would say, "I can't get a job without a car". Enter $3500 volvo. The car was a lemon, but there was a used car shortage and I was desperate. It ended up having a gas leak!!!! I felt so foolish. Threw in so much more money to fix it and he totaled it.
This is where he began to hit rock bottom. He was staying with some questionable friends, I think they were throwing him out and he fought back and one punched him and broke his jaw. When the fight happened, he called me to pick him up but I said no. He had cried wolf too many times and it was 2 am. I didn't know it was broken. He went two days and didn't get medical help and wouldn't. I finally facetimed him and said he needed to go to Urgent Care immediately, I took him to urgent care and they determined it was fractured. We ended up in the ER and it ended up being the best case scenario for this situation - no admittance, no surgery and his jaw wired shut for two weeks. Again, a small fortune for me.
Of course I took him back in to help him heal. He did not want the pain medications - refused them - which I thought was strange bc I kept wondering if he was into harder stuff. I made his liquid diet, I said just rest, sleep, chill out in your room, I was in enabling heaven. Would this help get my son back? It got ugly one day when he wanted me to drive him to get marijuana and that he needed it for pain. It is legal in my state and readily available. We argued, It became physical. He thought I was calling the police on him and he called them! The nicest officer in the world came. Tried to talk him into going to the hospital to get mental help, He said OK. We got into the car and he refused to go. I've read many reviews for the help at the hospital crisis center. It is abmismal. Every review said you wait hours and hours and hours and they send you home with nothing. They send suicidal people home. It's just awful. While things calmed down, it was clear that he couldn't stay with us. He stayed until we had the wires removed and for about another week then my sister let him come visit for two weeks to give him more time to let his jaw heal.
My niece happened to be selling her car for $2500. My husband and I thought this might be good because he is going to be homeless. At least he would have a car to sleep in after he left my sisters?? We bought him the car but we told him his Grandmother paid for it and he had to pay HER back. We thought he would be more likely to honor the agreement if it was with her. The car was old - a 2000 honda but at least he could get a job and if worse came to worse, sleep in it. We bought him a gym membership so that he would have access to a shower. We did it for guilt for him and for our own conscience.
After he left our home and went to my sisters, I gave my husband my word that I wouldn't let him back into the house. My husband is starting to have health issues and he has been through enough with my son.
After my sisters, he was couch surfing again, but he was out of favors from friends. A sort of a Hail Mary pass was thrown his way from his uncle. He had a roofing job in Texas that would begin in a few months and maybe my son could work it. He would have housing and a job. He asked me for my advice. I gave him a big talk about laying low, not driving the car a lot because it's old, finding a job until the Texas thing worked out, maybe chilling in his car if he needed to instead of bugging friends.
The very next day,without saying anything to me about it, he drove to his friend's house in TEXAS. 1700 miles away!!!!!!.
(We pay for his cell so that we can see his location. I stopped checking his location because I needed to detach, but my husband keeps an eye on it bc he doesn't want him showing up here and starting something.)
About an hour outside of his destination, the honda died. RIP. It was done. He had the car for 27 days and managed to kill it.
I was done. I folded. He was stuck in Texas with no way to get home. I said, 'this is your life, figure it out" The friends let him stay 3 weeks before they had enough. I think they tried to have him get a job and he wouldn't and they were like, "go home". They helped him scrap the car and got him an airline ticket back. These are boys from our town that I knew in middle school. They must have been angels to put up with him this long.
NOW he's back in our area.
I said I'm done.
Another Hail Mary came to him, HIs friend is a painter working on a house flip. The man that owns the flip let him work and sleep there for the last two weeks.
I saw my son for the first time in a month yesterday. He came out and was carrying a bag and looked homeless. My heart is broken. I am devastated.
I Took him for food and took him to the house flip to stay at. Everyone said don't go pick him up, it's a trap. I even felt it was. He got in the car and he tried to manipulate, make me feel guilty, etc. My husband was not happy I went. I took him to the house flip and he said the guy didn't really want him staying there anymore. I didn't know what to do. I just went in with him and he showed me the work he had done and we talked and I left. Three hours later he called and said the guy wanted him to leave and the guy was nice about it, but basically said, when you get your head on straight, you can work with me, but work it out with your parents. I said I'm sorry there is nothing I can do. He went to another questionable friend's house.
When he went to Texas I gave up. His real Dad lives in Florida and hasn't been responsible with his life. He was an alcoholic when we were married and was just never there for my son. He is no longer drinking. He recently found out he might have cancer. Now he wants to help my son, Unfortunately, he doesn't own a home and can't have my son live with him. It wouldn't work anyway as they are both hot heads and my son gaslighting. HOWEVER, he has lined up a job for him in Florida that starts in two weeks. My son said he can stay with a friend - but we know how that works out. He said he wants to go but I can tell he is scared. Scared of failure. I feel like he doesn't want to go but has no choice. It is going to be cold here soon.
My husband and I don't know if we should help him for the next two weeks and also to get settled in Florida. He has a better chance of success if we help. His real Dad has no money to help but at least got him the job. and it is a pretty decent one.
It's 6 am here and I've been up since 4 am. Not an unusual night of sleep for a mom whose child is basically on the streets.
I can't stop shaking. I'm sick to my stomach. My heart hurts. I can't eat.
No one in this situation has done more self care than myself -
- I've read books, "how to have boundaries with your adult child" - basically a manual on detachment and followed it
- Read the stories on this board to know I'm not alone.
- Keep a copy of the conductdisorders "detachment" article in my inbox to read when I'm feeling weak
- Watch countless videos on detaching, motivation, self care
- meditate (the calm app),
- work out at the gym,
- cut back on alcohol,
- go to my check ups (my head won't work if my body doesn;t),
- I tried the FA zoom but got scared and left. I wasn't able to be open and raw with anyone.
- took a trip to Europe this summer and found myself again - I wanted to keep on LIVING before it was too late.I can honestly say that was the best detachment that I've had in this hell. I jumped into the mediterranean sea and just let everything go.
- Planning a trip to Greece next summer but already feel GUILTY as heck - how can I go to Greece when he is homeless? I have to put my life on hold again? What if I run out of time? We are only promised today after all.
- Do journal exercises by writing but, after I'm finished writing it, I rip it up and flush it down the toilet so that I can write whatever I am feeling and know that no one will ever read it - it is very therapeutic.
- Made a list of all of the enabling behaviors that I wouldn't do and read it when I'm weak and I'm weak.
He had a very promising future, Accepted to a good college, a trip to Europe before college began, girlfriends, jobs, etc. In college he and his roommates
tha decided to be the pot dealers on campus and his roommate put all these get rich quick schemes into his head - day trading, stocks, bitcoin, not working a regular 9-5 and that, coupled with pot, has just ruined his brain.
As I type this, I see the sun has come up. I look outside to the beautiful sky. Is it a sign of hope?
Thank you for listening.
brokeninside
My son is basically homeless again. His drug of choice is marijuana and I don't think vaping helps. It seems to really affect his mind negatively.
He has clearly developed some mental issues over the last few years. Getting mental health help for him has been NEARLY IMPOSSIBLE, Every practice, since the pandemic is fully booked, we go on waiting lists and nothing ever comes of it.
Over the last year and a half, we've reached a breaking point in my house. He is 25 and basically refuses to work a regular job. I've spent half of my retirement over the last year and a half helping him. He was so disrespectful to my husband (his step dad), calling him every nasty name in the book and everyone around him. He would vape in the house, bring marijuana into the house; etc. We finally had to throw him out. Since then he has couch surfed but now has no friends left. When we do let him back in, it has gotten physical. He gaslights - it seems to be his favorite hobby - and we don't feel safe when he is here. I also have a teen daughter with my current husband.
Then there are times when he is sober and he is his regular self and it is like visiting with my child that doesn't have these problems. I say he is acting like "the regular (name)". It's great.
The car drama has been unbearable - he had a nice car that we cosigned a loan on and he totaled it, He has tickets upon tickets. It was around the time of this accident that I noticed him starting to get really out of control. I bought him an $800 car to hold him over so that he could work and save to buy a new car and he ran it into the ground - never getting his foot hold to save for a new one. He has no car for months and would say, "I can't get a job without a car". Enter $3500 volvo. The car was a lemon, but there was a used car shortage and I was desperate. It ended up having a gas leak!!!! I felt so foolish. Threw in so much more money to fix it and he totaled it.
This is where he began to hit rock bottom. He was staying with some questionable friends, I think they were throwing him out and he fought back and one punched him and broke his jaw. When the fight happened, he called me to pick him up but I said no. He had cried wolf too many times and it was 2 am. I didn't know it was broken. He went two days and didn't get medical help and wouldn't. I finally facetimed him and said he needed to go to Urgent Care immediately, I took him to urgent care and they determined it was fractured. We ended up in the ER and it ended up being the best case scenario for this situation - no admittance, no surgery and his jaw wired shut for two weeks. Again, a small fortune for me.
Of course I took him back in to help him heal. He did not want the pain medications - refused them - which I thought was strange bc I kept wondering if he was into harder stuff. I made his liquid diet, I said just rest, sleep, chill out in your room, I was in enabling heaven. Would this help get my son back? It got ugly one day when he wanted me to drive him to get marijuana and that he needed it for pain. It is legal in my state and readily available. We argued, It became physical. He thought I was calling the police on him and he called them! The nicest officer in the world came. Tried to talk him into going to the hospital to get mental help, He said OK. We got into the car and he refused to go. I've read many reviews for the help at the hospital crisis center. It is abmismal. Every review said you wait hours and hours and hours and they send you home with nothing. They send suicidal people home. It's just awful. While things calmed down, it was clear that he couldn't stay with us. He stayed until we had the wires removed and for about another week then my sister let him come visit for two weeks to give him more time to let his jaw heal.
My niece happened to be selling her car for $2500. My husband and I thought this might be good because he is going to be homeless. At least he would have a car to sleep in after he left my sisters?? We bought him the car but we told him his Grandmother paid for it and he had to pay HER back. We thought he would be more likely to honor the agreement if it was with her. The car was old - a 2000 honda but at least he could get a job and if worse came to worse, sleep in it. We bought him a gym membership so that he would have access to a shower. We did it for guilt for him and for our own conscience.
After he left our home and went to my sisters, I gave my husband my word that I wouldn't let him back into the house. My husband is starting to have health issues and he has been through enough with my son.
After my sisters, he was couch surfing again, but he was out of favors from friends. A sort of a Hail Mary pass was thrown his way from his uncle. He had a roofing job in Texas that would begin in a few months and maybe my son could work it. He would have housing and a job. He asked me for my advice. I gave him a big talk about laying low, not driving the car a lot because it's old, finding a job until the Texas thing worked out, maybe chilling in his car if he needed to instead of bugging friends.
The very next day,without saying anything to me about it, he drove to his friend's house in TEXAS. 1700 miles away!!!!!!.
(We pay for his cell so that we can see his location. I stopped checking his location because I needed to detach, but my husband keeps an eye on it bc he doesn't want him showing up here and starting something.)
About an hour outside of his destination, the honda died. RIP. It was done. He had the car for 27 days and managed to kill it.
I was done. I folded. He was stuck in Texas with no way to get home. I said, 'this is your life, figure it out" The friends let him stay 3 weeks before they had enough. I think they tried to have him get a job and he wouldn't and they were like, "go home". They helped him scrap the car and got him an airline ticket back. These are boys from our town that I knew in middle school. They must have been angels to put up with him this long.
NOW he's back in our area.
I said I'm done.
Another Hail Mary came to him, HIs friend is a painter working on a house flip. The man that owns the flip let him work and sleep there for the last two weeks.
I saw my son for the first time in a month yesterday. He came out and was carrying a bag and looked homeless. My heart is broken. I am devastated.
I Took him for food and took him to the house flip to stay at. Everyone said don't go pick him up, it's a trap. I even felt it was. He got in the car and he tried to manipulate, make me feel guilty, etc. My husband was not happy I went. I took him to the house flip and he said the guy didn't really want him staying there anymore. I didn't know what to do. I just went in with him and he showed me the work he had done and we talked and I left. Three hours later he called and said the guy wanted him to leave and the guy was nice about it, but basically said, when you get your head on straight, you can work with me, but work it out with your parents. I said I'm sorry there is nothing I can do. He went to another questionable friend's house.
When he went to Texas I gave up. His real Dad lives in Florida and hasn't been responsible with his life. He was an alcoholic when we were married and was just never there for my son. He is no longer drinking. He recently found out he might have cancer. Now he wants to help my son, Unfortunately, he doesn't own a home and can't have my son live with him. It wouldn't work anyway as they are both hot heads and my son gaslighting. HOWEVER, he has lined up a job for him in Florida that starts in two weeks. My son said he can stay with a friend - but we know how that works out. He said he wants to go but I can tell he is scared. Scared of failure. I feel like he doesn't want to go but has no choice. It is going to be cold here soon.
My husband and I don't know if we should help him for the next two weeks and also to get settled in Florida. He has a better chance of success if we help. His real Dad has no money to help but at least got him the job. and it is a pretty decent one.
It's 6 am here and I've been up since 4 am. Not an unusual night of sleep for a mom whose child is basically on the streets.
I can't stop shaking. I'm sick to my stomach. My heart hurts. I can't eat.
No one in this situation has done more self care than myself -
- I've read books, "how to have boundaries with your adult child" - basically a manual on detachment and followed it
- Read the stories on this board to know I'm not alone.
- Keep a copy of the conductdisorders "detachment" article in my inbox to read when I'm feeling weak
- Watch countless videos on detaching, motivation, self care
- meditate (the calm app),
- work out at the gym,
- cut back on alcohol,
- go to my check ups (my head won't work if my body doesn;t),
- I tried the FA zoom but got scared and left. I wasn't able to be open and raw with anyone.
- took a trip to Europe this summer and found myself again - I wanted to keep on LIVING before it was too late.I can honestly say that was the best detachment that I've had in this hell. I jumped into the mediterranean sea and just let everything go.
- Planning a trip to Greece next summer but already feel GUILTY as heck - how can I go to Greece when he is homeless? I have to put my life on hold again? What if I run out of time? We are only promised today after all.
- Do journal exercises by writing but, after I'm finished writing it, I rip it up and flush it down the toilet so that I can write whatever I am feeling and know that no one will ever read it - it is very therapeutic.
- Made a list of all of the enabling behaviors that I wouldn't do and read it when I'm weak and I'm weak.
He had a very promising future, Accepted to a good college, a trip to Europe before college began, girlfriends, jobs, etc. In college he and his roommates
tha decided to be the pot dealers on campus and his roommate put all these get rich quick schemes into his head - day trading, stocks, bitcoin, not working a regular 9-5 and that, coupled with pot, has just ruined his brain.
As I type this, I see the sun has come up. I look outside to the beautiful sky. Is it a sign of hope?
Thank you for listening.
brokeninside
