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<blockquote data-quote="Copabanana" data-source="post: 690899" data-attributes="member: 18958"><p>Thank you Apple. This is really it. Over and over again we hear wise people say it is how we handle our fails that define us. And to be honest with myself, I was never a quitter.</p><p></p><p>It is that this experience with my mother's dying and how it affected me, and my son, and how that affected me: You know how it feels. There is no hurt in the world worse than feeling you failed your own, <em>your people. Failing the people you love the most. </em>It is almost like I want to give up on myself, throw myself under the bus, because I failed myself--at love.</p><p></p><p>I am wondering if I feel like to stand up like a champ at this stage of my life feels like I am standing on top of the dead and wounded. Like this is some kind of survivor's guilt. Which it sure sounds like it is.</p><p></p><p>How can I prosper when my kid is not? How can I feel like a survivor when my mother is dead, and while I helped her in the end, I did not subordinate myself and my life to her--instead was running around dancing and traveling and going to prison when I wanted. Which infuriated her, the kind of freedom I demanded for myself. She wanted me to be a drone and trapped.</p><p></p><p>It is like I am taking all of the fun out of what should be a victory lap. I mean, they treated me today like I was Muhammad Ali. And I couldn't keep up with it. Every time I was empowered by others I kept making myself weaker and weaker. It was humiliating how I acted. I feel humiliated.</p><p>Thank you Jabber. This is really it. I need to get myself out of it. It is really not about me. It is about the work. I have nothing to prove.</p><p></p><p>I mean, something in one of Cedar's posts today struck me. It was where she posted about Cesar Milan the dog whisperer. She said, we are the dogs. We have to learn to begin to treat ourselves like Cesar Milan handles dogs. Which is to say essentially to take control: to learn to dominate ourselves, to subordinate ourselves not by cruelty but by calming ourselves. </p><p></p><p>Cedar said something like: we feel we have failed so much, that we have no confidence in anything anymore (me). Essentially we have to get a grip, and get dominance over this out of control thinking.</p><p></p><p>I mean: I f'in know the work. I know my job. I know prisons. I know prisoners. I am just out of control right now. I need the dog whisperer and the only dog whisperer in site, is me. I keep, with that stupid beseeching look, looking for reassurance to the panic--that can only come from me.</p><p></p><p>I do not understand how somebody with so much confidence in their own voice, who inspires confidence, can have so much self-doubt. The dog whisperer would say just to ignore the panic. And this will disempower it.</p><p>Congratulations, Jabber. I am guessing the job you may have interviewed for. I think you would be fantastic and you would love it. And I think it would be fascinating.</p><p></p><p>Thank you. I learned a lot from your posts. Mainly, this is a state of mind that I can control. And the other piece of it is, I can be of use. That has always been important to me.</p><p></p><p>Whether it is this job or something else, I can and will find a way to be of use. Because that is who I am. This is a little bit of a hissy fit I am having and I need to cut it out.</p><p></p><p>Thank you Apple and Jabber and everybody.</p><p></p><p>Thanks guys.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Copabanana, post: 690899, member: 18958"] Thank you Apple. This is really it. Over and over again we hear wise people say it is how we handle our fails that define us. And to be honest with myself, I was never a quitter. It is that this experience with my mother's dying and how it affected me, and my son, and how that affected me: You know how it feels. There is no hurt in the world worse than feeling you failed your own, [I]your people. Failing the people you love the most. [/I]It is almost like I want to give up on myself, throw myself under the bus, because I failed myself--at love. I am wondering if I feel like to stand up like a champ at this stage of my life feels like I am standing on top of the dead and wounded. Like this is some kind of survivor's guilt. Which it sure sounds like it is. How can I prosper when my kid is not? How can I feel like a survivor when my mother is dead, and while I helped her in the end, I did not subordinate myself and my life to her--instead was running around dancing and traveling and going to prison when I wanted. Which infuriated her, the kind of freedom I demanded for myself. She wanted me to be a drone and trapped. It is like I am taking all of the fun out of what should be a victory lap. I mean, they treated me today like I was Muhammad Ali. And I couldn't keep up with it. Every time I was empowered by others I kept making myself weaker and weaker. It was humiliating how I acted. I feel humiliated. Thank you Jabber. This is really it. I need to get myself out of it. It is really not about me. It is about the work. I have nothing to prove. I mean, something in one of Cedar's posts today struck me. It was where she posted about Cesar Milan the dog whisperer. She said, we are the dogs. We have to learn to begin to treat ourselves like Cesar Milan handles dogs. Which is to say essentially to take control: to learn to dominate ourselves, to subordinate ourselves not by cruelty but by calming ourselves. Cedar said something like: we feel we have failed so much, that we have no confidence in anything anymore (me). Essentially we have to get a grip, and get dominance over this out of control thinking. I mean: I f'in know the work. I know my job. I know prisons. I know prisoners. I am just out of control right now. I need the dog whisperer and the only dog whisperer in site, is me. I keep, with that stupid beseeching look, looking for reassurance to the panic--that can only come from me. I do not understand how somebody with so much confidence in their own voice, who inspires confidence, can have so much self-doubt. The dog whisperer would say just to ignore the panic. And this will disempower it. Congratulations, Jabber. I am guessing the job you may have interviewed for. I think you would be fantastic and you would love it. And I think it would be fascinating. Thank you. I learned a lot from your posts. Mainly, this is a state of mind that I can control. And the other piece of it is, I can be of use. That has always been important to me. Whether it is this job or something else, I can and will find a way to be of use. Because that is who I am. This is a little bit of a hissy fit I am having and I need to cut it out. Thank you Apple and Jabber and everybody. Thanks guys. [/QUOTE]
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