It has only been one week since I posted on here and I am so grateful for this site. I am so surprised others are having experiences that I have had. Thanks to all for reaching out. I attended a NarAnon Zoom meeting and it was also helpful. I really enjoy the books and when I start to feel down I pick the book up and read it. There is a freedom to letting go. The thing that really gets me is this........My family or origin is dysfunctional. My dad was mean angry and emotionally closed off - there was never love, just criticism. My mom was an alcoholic - a functioning one and I found out she was having an affair for 30 years while married. There was physical/emotional abuse. Anyway, I waited a long time to have kids. I got married late 38 - had a baby at 38 and 39. Our home is so loving and safe. My kids grew up with their grandparents 3 blocks away and they are school teachers. So incredibly sweet and loving. My husband is amazing. So calm and consistent and loving. He loves me so much and our kids too. I did so much therapy to heal from my childhood. So I had all the hopes that when I had kids we would be close and could count on each other. We would be happy and have fun. We did that till our son got into high school. Now its sooooo sad and I get really down about this. Does anyone feel this way? I know I must count my blessings and my husband and other son - we do have a happy loving home. I just don't get why my son has been so awful for the last years. I know its addiction. I see how it wrecks families and makes you lose hope. I will keep working on accepting all that has happened and not depending on someone else (my son) to make me happy........
Grateful to read others stories and NarAnon
- Thread starter YogiLori
- Start date
Copabanana
Well-Known Member
Yes. I did. I had an early life similar to yours and I looked to my loving relationship with my son, as the antidote. It has been a difficult 14 years as I have had to dig deep into myself to reconnect with the deep pain within myself and with that, real healing.
There are seldom shortcuts to healing. We often look to our children for this and it is not fair to the child, to put them in this role. Now I see this, but it is awfully painful to live through, like tearing off a scab. I believe we have to release our adult children, however hard this is, and address our own pain, the origin story, on its own terms.
Last edited:
BusynMember
Well-Known Member
I wonder if you were at our meeting! Probably not but ours is wonderful and we did have two newcomers on Thursday. At any rate, I also love the Nar Anon literature and this forum is nice but NarAnon is what helped us the most. Helped more than therapy.
In NarAnon I learned not to ask myself endlessly why Kay's dysfuncton happened. I will never know. Kay doesn't even really know. It just is. I can't waste time trying to know the unknowable. I realize now that even a two parent, white picket fence, loving family does not guarantee happy kids. In the strange game of life, 1+1 may not equal 2. It could equal 9 or P or ?. Theories about childhood are just theories. A theory could be wrong. This one is OFTEN wrong. A difficult child is NOT our faults. That I learned in Nar Anon. Genetics are stronger than nurture (ask any adoptive parents, especially if they eventually met the birthparent,). Often their child walks, talks and thinks like the parent he has never met. Genetics are shocking and strong. We give ourselves too much credit, good or bad, regarding how our children turn out. We forget about inherited personality traits, the lure of peer pressure, young culture. Tv, and teachers/coaches/ X factors. We forget what WE were like thatb was different from our parents. How did we rebel? How important were our parents to us as we became adults? Did we follow their lead? Or did we fly from the nest on our own journey? Parents are hardly the biggest influence our kids have. So "why" isn't about us and is something we won't ever know. Does it matter,? It takes up too much time in our heads. And there is no answer.
in my opinion keep going to Nar Anon. You will progressively get better. There is continuity and comforting structure in NarAnon. The members become friends. Most members report feeling better (not cured but better) early in their arrival.
This particular online forum is a source too but it is not that consistant. It is random, depending on who wants to post and when. I hear it used to be a lot busier. It in my opinion is not enough to give us real relief fast enough and we all need relief. Not years from now either. Years is wasted time. So use this, but Nar Anon is predictably there 24/7. Even on Christmas there are meetings. Some people go to five meeting a week. It's up to you. It is always there. I love that.
I hope you keep going to Nar Anon. My meeting is Thursday at 6:30. Probably was not the meeting you went to....but if it was....wow!!!
Love and hugs.
In NarAnon I learned not to ask myself endlessly why Kay's dysfuncton happened. I will never know. Kay doesn't even really know. It just is. I can't waste time trying to know the unknowable. I realize now that even a two parent, white picket fence, loving family does not guarantee happy kids. In the strange game of life, 1+1 may not equal 2. It could equal 9 or P or ?. Theories about childhood are just theories. A theory could be wrong. This one is OFTEN wrong. A difficult child is NOT our faults. That I learned in Nar Anon. Genetics are stronger than nurture (ask any adoptive parents, especially if they eventually met the birthparent,). Often their child walks, talks and thinks like the parent he has never met. Genetics are shocking and strong. We give ourselves too much credit, good or bad, regarding how our children turn out. We forget about inherited personality traits, the lure of peer pressure, young culture. Tv, and teachers/coaches/ X factors. We forget what WE were like thatb was different from our parents. How did we rebel? How important were our parents to us as we became adults? Did we follow their lead? Or did we fly from the nest on our own journey? Parents are hardly the biggest influence our kids have. So "why" isn't about us and is something we won't ever know. Does it matter,? It takes up too much time in our heads. And there is no answer.
in my opinion keep going to Nar Anon. You will progressively get better. There is continuity and comforting structure in NarAnon. The members become friends. Most members report feeling better (not cured but better) early in their arrival.
This particular online forum is a source too but it is not that consistant. It is random, depending on who wants to post and when. I hear it used to be a lot busier. It in my opinion is not enough to give us real relief fast enough and we all need relief. Not years from now either. Years is wasted time. So use this, but Nar Anon is predictably there 24/7. Even on Christmas there are meetings. Some people go to five meeting a week. It's up to you. It is always there. I love that.
I hope you keep going to Nar Anon. My meeting is Thursday at 6:30. Probably was not the meeting you went to....but if it was....wow!!!
Love and hugs.
Last edited:
Thanks so much for your reply. I was feeling so good after the meeting but now I am really down. I have these swings - really up and really down. My son got a job full time nights at Walmart. He starts tomorrow except he must work days for 5 days before moving to nights. The place he was staying is done so he is moving in with my mother in law. There is no wifi, and it must feel pretty awful to live with your 81 yr old grandma. My husband helped him move stuff yesterday and he was complaining about the wifi and the spiders he saw in the bathroom. My son is deathly afraid of bugs (it is bizarre) Walmart is not easy to get too - so we are all sharing driving him to and picking him up from work until he gets his license back in December. I know its a long time but for work, my husband is more than willing to do this. My husband wants to do this and I really don't have to be involved if I don't want too. I seem to need more space than my husband. He is able to literally have his relationship transactional......it is much too hard for me to do...I am ashamed of that.....
I went to the Zoom Thursday meeting. It was small but very good. I'm going to try a meeting this Wednesday in my town. I really need more support and I am hoping to find a connection there. It seems when I am trying to find connections I don't ........I think I need a meeting daily to keep me afloat at the moment. My therapy wasn't doing it. I really think its just support about accepting your kid isn't who you want him to be and being okay with it. Somedays I am okay, most days I am not. I do need to keep focusing on the SESH book and attending meetings and focusing on myself. Focusing on myself is almost impossible........its my nature to be the giver and yes, the codependent - so I know I need to change. It isnt easy!! Wah Wah on this Labor Day
I went to the Zoom Thursday meeting. It was small but very good. I'm going to try a meeting this Wednesday in my town. I really need more support and I am hoping to find a connection there. It seems when I am trying to find connections I don't ........I think I need a meeting daily to keep me afloat at the moment. My therapy wasn't doing it. I really think its just support about accepting your kid isn't who you want him to be and being okay with it. Somedays I am okay, most days I am not. I do need to keep focusing on the SESH book and attending meetings and focusing on myself. Focusing on myself is almost impossible........its my nature to be the giver and yes, the codependent - so I know I need to change. It isnt easy!! Wah Wah on this Labor Day
Interesting. Everyday I read the Courage to Change book. It is an Al-Anon daily reading. Today's reading was on the 7th step. And, it is exactly what I am feeling. I am an intense feeler - very emotional person - so sensitive - a HSP (highly sensitive person) Anyway, I look at this as a shortcoming. It's bad that I am so sensitive cause I walk around like a wounded bird. Self pity is not going to help me. So this book is saying I need to feel all my feelings and I am crying and then let them go. Maybe if I start accepting myself and my enormous emotions and feelings, I will accept who others are - like my son for example. I don't know, I am only on Step 1, so I have to figure it out. It is very hard for me to get in touch with my higher power and to trust it. I guess thats what the whole step process is.......I'm tired.....tired of thinking too much and wishing everything were different......Stay present. My stream of conscious message is where my mind is now. Knowing what I am feeling is wrong, and trying to change it......exhausting work!
BusynMember
Well-Known Member
I wonder perhaps if you are getting too involved in the adult man you are addicted to, your son. Think about it! So what if he has to live without WiFi? A tragedy?? So what is his grandma is 81? So what if he's scared if bugs. Really? It's time he get over that...he is not a child. We forget they are not kids. Too often we see the child when they are adults. It's a bad habit we need to break. They are tall with hair in their faces. They have muscles. They are grown.
Because of his own choices he is LUCKY to live in a house and not in the streets. Even a home that had an outhouse would be lucky. The fact is that if you don't work consistently, stay sober always, and follow societal norms your life then your life WILL be horrible. Your son still has a place to stay and people willing to drive him to work. That will not last if he doesn't change his ways. People, including you, may get tired of doing anything for him if he won't help himself... five years down the line you will be in a different place, trust me. So I consider your son very lucky right.now.
If you keep going to NarAnon and work the program it does work. You only went.once and are still addicted to your son's chaos. The relief for us comes when we realize that hmtheir problems are NOT ours and that it doesn't help to help.
As long as we do not realize for certain that we can't help or change our addict, we suffer and keep playing the useless fix it game. I put ten years into the fix it game. It is not winnable. It put me on medications. I almost lost my husband and other kids. Kay did not get better or appreciate how I never gave up.
I cheer you on as you ease toward letting go and giving your son to God. God can do what you can't. This Walmart job is your son's issue. His not having wifi with grandma is a big "so what?" Grandma is 81? She is a person who lioves him. He is very lucky to have someone like her. How dare he complain.
At his age the only person who can give him the life he wants is himself. So your sweating is a waste of time. Every time you start sweating, change your thoughts. Watch a comedy. Call a friend. Go out for coffee. Window shop. Meditate. Pray. Work out. Every time you addictively focus on your son do something that breaks your addiction. Refuse to think about the son you are addicted to! I do this!
This is from Nar Anon and it's true: "I can choose what to think." "I can change my thoughts." Do you have SESH book yet?
by the way I am an empath but we still have to take care of ourselves.
Hugs.
Because of his own choices he is LUCKY to live in a house and not in the streets. Even a home that had an outhouse would be lucky. The fact is that if you don't work consistently, stay sober always, and follow societal norms your life then your life WILL be horrible. Your son still has a place to stay and people willing to drive him to work. That will not last if he doesn't change his ways. People, including you, may get tired of doing anything for him if he won't help himself... five years down the line you will be in a different place, trust me. So I consider your son very lucky right.now.
If you keep going to NarAnon and work the program it does work. You only went.once and are still addicted to your son's chaos. The relief for us comes when we realize that hmtheir problems are NOT ours and that it doesn't help to help.
As long as we do not realize for certain that we can't help or change our addict, we suffer and keep playing the useless fix it game. I put ten years into the fix it game. It is not winnable. It put me on medications. I almost lost my husband and other kids. Kay did not get better or appreciate how I never gave up.
I cheer you on as you ease toward letting go and giving your son to God. God can do what you can't. This Walmart job is your son's issue. His not having wifi with grandma is a big "so what?" Grandma is 81? She is a person who lioves him. He is very lucky to have someone like her. How dare he complain.
At his age the only person who can give him the life he wants is himself. So your sweating is a waste of time. Every time you start sweating, change your thoughts. Watch a comedy. Call a friend. Go out for coffee. Window shop. Meditate. Pray. Work out. Every time you addictively focus on your son do something that breaks your addiction. Refuse to think about the son you are addicted to! I do this!
This is from Nar Anon and it's true: "I can choose what to think." "I can change my thoughts." Do you have SESH book yet?
by the way I am an empath but we still have to take care of ourselves.
Hugs.
Last edited:
BusynMember
Well-Known Member
The first 12 Step Program I went to long ago was Codependents Anonymous. It was in the Chicago area. At least 60 people a meeting. Helped me until I stupidly quit. I like my smaller Nar Anon meeting better (Zoom). Feel like I know everyone, like family.
Thank you for the truth. You are right and it is hard to read but I agree and I need to hear it! Oh, I am the codependent for sure! I've read Codependent No More so many times. This is THE SAME THING. I have been treading the water and not really healing from this. I obviously need more work. I will do the work. The ups and downs of my moods are my responsibility. Today I finished the NarAnon workbook Step One and yes I have the SESH book. I read it everyday. I am doing a Zoom mtg at 6 today. I am going to try a few of them so I find one that I really resonate with. I cannot wait to get to the other side of this cause I'm kind of wreck. Steady is not the word. I do have steady times. I create reasons to feel responsible for my son. He is 19 and he has been given every opportunity to succeed or at least stay in school or work and abide by the easy rules of our home. It isn't our job anymore. His grandma does love him and said she will never give up on him. I trust she will get tired of him too. I know she will not tolerate certain things. Time will tell. Thanks for telling me what I need to hear. I'll keep working everyday. Hugs to you my fellow empath!
Hello Lori and BusyMember.
Hope it’s alright to add my story to this post.
Not sure if my 19yr old has drug addiction, he would say no. He’s done pills, pot, vapes in the past and recently pot and drinking. That and his attitude and disrespect led us to giving him a choice to follow the house rules or leave. We did pack his clothes and gave him that choice couple times. He’s now living with his 19/20 yr old friend who has no rules; been almost 4 weeks now. I’ve stopped breaking down/crying for a couple days but do regret kicking him out. We invited him for dinner last weekend. He still holds on to things I’ve done, accused of using when he lived with us, sneaking his girlfriend into his room while he’s grounded. He sees us falling apart and telling him we can still provide for him, his education, a car, if he can follow the house rules. He’s a bit sad but says no. He has a $16/hr cashier job.
It’s probably for the best if it can bring some sanity to our 17yr old who wants to leave us for college in a yr. And it sometimes give us some peace when he’s not at home. We were in a parent support group but the parents are a bit pushy with advice and assumptions. My husband thinks kicking him out was the wrong thing to do. We’re gonna try Naranon. I also gave the link to my son. Who knows if he’ll attend.
This seems like a good site to hear how parents are coping and give the rest of us some hope.
Thanks.
Gina
Hope it’s alright to add my story to this post.
Not sure if my 19yr old has drug addiction, he would say no. He’s done pills, pot, vapes in the past and recently pot and drinking. That and his attitude and disrespect led us to giving him a choice to follow the house rules or leave. We did pack his clothes and gave him that choice couple times. He’s now living with his 19/20 yr old friend who has no rules; been almost 4 weeks now. I’ve stopped breaking down/crying for a couple days but do regret kicking him out. We invited him for dinner last weekend. He still holds on to things I’ve done, accused of using when he lived with us, sneaking his girlfriend into his room while he’s grounded. He sees us falling apart and telling him we can still provide for him, his education, a car, if he can follow the house rules. He’s a bit sad but says no. He has a $16/hr cashier job.
It’s probably for the best if it can bring some sanity to our 17yr old who wants to leave us for college in a yr. And it sometimes give us some peace when he’s not at home. We were in a parent support group but the parents are a bit pushy with advice and assumptions. My husband thinks kicking him out was the wrong thing to do. We’re gonna try Naranon. I also gave the link to my son. Who knows if he’ll attend.
This seems like a good site to hear how parents are coping and give the rest of us some hope.
Thanks.
Gina
Last edited:
Hi Gina and welcome. You have come to the right place for understanding and support. Your story sounds identical to mine and many others here who have been on this chaotic road a little longer with our kids and their drugs and misbehavior.
I want to make sure I understand—do you and your husband both regret kicking your son out? I wasn’t sure from reading your post how you felt.
Most of us here have given our kids chances to straighten up in order to live with us. As long as drugs and addiction continue to be involved, they never do. Even if you don’t classify it as full-blown addiction, the disrespectful, entitled and generally insolent behavior of these kids will continue as long as they are using drugs/alcohol, and especially if they have many opportunities presented to them without having to do much in return.
Although they may insist that they will change and follow the house rules, the drugs end up controlling their personalities and it almost always reverts back to the same old disrespect and entitlement that got them kicked out in the first place. But each if us is on our own path and must decide for ourselves if it is worth giving our kids second, third or who knows how many chances. We’ve all been there.
My advice would be to continue with any type of counseling and support you can get. We have members here who have had very good results with Naranon and I‘m sure they will be here soon to offer their support and encouragement. But I would not buy your son a car, pay for college, etc. UNLESS you are absolutely certain he is willing to change and he has demonstrated that. I wouldn’t pay for those things based on his word alone, hoping that by providing them he will change. That usually doesn’t work and you end up wasting a lot of money. And with each gift, he will become even more entitled.
Your son has told you how he feels about it. Right now I would believe him. This is so very hard but at least he is being honest with you.
Keep posting here, it helps so much. Hugs to you.
PS: You might get more responses if you start your own thread on a separate post. Stay with us.
I want to make sure I understand—do you and your husband both regret kicking your son out? I wasn’t sure from reading your post how you felt.
Most of us here have given our kids chances to straighten up in order to live with us. As long as drugs and addiction continue to be involved, they never do. Even if you don’t classify it as full-blown addiction, the disrespectful, entitled and generally insolent behavior of these kids will continue as long as they are using drugs/alcohol, and especially if they have many opportunities presented to them without having to do much in return.
Although they may insist that they will change and follow the house rules, the drugs end up controlling their personalities and it almost always reverts back to the same old disrespect and entitlement that got them kicked out in the first place. But each if us is on our own path and must decide for ourselves if it is worth giving our kids second, third or who knows how many chances. We’ve all been there.
My advice would be to continue with any type of counseling and support you can get. We have members here who have had very good results with Naranon and I‘m sure they will be here soon to offer their support and encouragement. But I would not buy your son a car, pay for college, etc. UNLESS you are absolutely certain he is willing to change and he has demonstrated that. I wouldn’t pay for those things based on his word alone, hoping that by providing them he will change. That usually doesn’t work and you end up wasting a lot of money. And with each gift, he will become even more entitled.
Your son has told you how he feels about it. Right now I would believe him. This is so very hard but at least he is being honest with you.
Keep posting here, it helps so much. Hugs to you.
PS: You might get more responses if you start your own thread on a separate post. Stay with us.
Similarly, I guess one might say, I have wondered very much the same.
We moved to a neighborhood that had an A rated public school. It was expensive and hard especially at first. Why did we do it? We wanted our kids to be around other families and students who took education seriously. Was willing to get tutors if truly needed, helped them with homework etc. Yet neither of my kids graduated from the local schools. Neither of them particularly valued education even though we did and most in the area did.
Our son had a very difficult 11th grade year and we sent him to a boarding school. He didn’t try at all and almost out of no where was very irresponsible and angry. Fortunately, in the end…all went well. But in all honesty, it was because we not only used tough love…but HE made the personal decision to do well in life. And tiday he truly is doing very well. Great job, great family, ultra responsible etc.
Our daughter…not so much. We gave her everything we could think of and more. A stable, loving home life. Private schools. Homeschooled her a few years. Therapists. Tutors. Driving lessons (more than one set) and a car. She totaled the car shortly thereafter. Even helped pay for her living arrangements etc. Hair stylists, mani pedi …whatever to help her sort of “keep up.” Nothing was appreciated, everything was destroyed …wrecked…ruined…blew up in our faces in a major way, cost us a bundle…etc. When we put more boundaries and demand accountability …nope. Wasn’t happening. In the end…she takes NO accountability , shows to remorse and is periodically mean to us.
There is a lesson in here somewhere.
We’ve gotten therapy for ourselves, attended a few FA mtgs and read their literature. This has been tremendously helpful. We’ve detached and have moved on with her largely only in the background.
We moved to a neighborhood that had an A rated public school. It was expensive and hard especially at first. Why did we do it? We wanted our kids to be around other families and students who took education seriously. Was willing to get tutors if truly needed, helped them with homework etc. Yet neither of my kids graduated from the local schools. Neither of them particularly valued education even though we did and most in the area did.
Our son had a very difficult 11th grade year and we sent him to a boarding school. He didn’t try at all and almost out of no where was very irresponsible and angry. Fortunately, in the end…all went well. But in all honesty, it was because we not only used tough love…but HE made the personal decision to do well in life. And tiday he truly is doing very well. Great job, great family, ultra responsible etc.
Our daughter…not so much. We gave her everything we could think of and more. A stable, loving home life. Private schools. Homeschooled her a few years. Therapists. Tutors. Driving lessons (more than one set) and a car. She totaled the car shortly thereafter. Even helped pay for her living arrangements etc. Hair stylists, mani pedi …whatever to help her sort of “keep up.” Nothing was appreciated, everything was destroyed …wrecked…ruined…blew up in our faces in a major way, cost us a bundle…etc. When we put more boundaries and demand accountability …nope. Wasn’t happening. In the end…she takes NO accountability , shows to remorse and is periodically mean to us.
There is a lesson in here somewhere.
We’ve gotten therapy for ourselves, attended a few FA mtgs and read their literature. This has been tremendously helpful. We’ve detached and have moved on with her largely only in the background.
Hello Gina!
Sorry for the late reply. I have been consumed by a paining project and haven't checked the site. Yes, you are in the right place. My son is 19 and has been really giving us hell for the last 3 years. He is so capable but never followed the house rules which were only no drugs in the house or car and be home by midnight (or call if are going to be late) He was disrespectful, moody, avoided us and entitled. When he graduated high school we were looking for a fresh slate cause got accepted to the University and wanted to pledge a fraternity. He partied like crazy, failed most classes and then started drinking. He never drank in high school. He would not accept responsibility for anything. Right before he turned 19, he got a DUI and a bunch of other charges and went to jail for the night. My husband said, "WE ARE DONE." In our state, people are minors till 19 so we told him you need to leave, we are done. I cried for 6 weeks straight. I was sooooooo sad.....where did we go wrong? what is he going to do? are we abandoning him? will he hate us? My husband was SO DONE and I was too but I never imagined asking him to leave. My husband said he is an adult, he can get a job and act like an adult since he is not taking school seriously.........He lived with a friend and lifeguarded all summer. He lost his license until 12/22 so he had to ride his bike everyday to work. The summer ended and he got a full time stocker job and is making 40K. He loves it for now. His friend went back to college and he asked us to move back in and we said No again. Once more, I cried and felt guilty..........My husband was strong because living here is easy and he wouldn't do anything! He moved in with his grandma (my husband's mom) Her husband (my husband's dad just passed) Things are going very well. She is such a good influence and he does love her very much. Everything is okay at the moment. He is learning alot and thinking alot. He came over here today while I was painting and actually helped me. He has never helped me
It is all new and has not been very long. THE ONLY way your son is going to grow up and figure it out is to stay strong and don't let him move back unless you come up with something you can agree on. My son had to be forced and he NEVER thought we would actually follow through I think. I also joined NarAnon and it is really great. I am a hopeless co-dependent so it just helps so much with my separation from him. I care for him but I am no longer his caretaker! I just mom him to death and he knows it so it just cannot work with him here. I was very mad at my husband for having the idea to ask him to leave but I KNOW it was the right answer. I was in my therapist's office every week! Now NarAnon is all I am doing. I am doing a 12 step class on Thursdays (on Zoom) and a meeting on Monday (on Zoom.) It is a wonderful connection and so supportive and wonderful for all relationships in your life! Hang in there and keep reaching out!!!
Hi Lori.
I’m glad you and your family are doing better.
Last time I saw my son, he reminded me that I forced him to start college when couple of his friends died of drug use.
After years of crazy stuff, I pushed my husband to help enroll him in a military program for at risk youth to finish high school and now help us make the call to give our son the ultimatum to follow rules or leave. I’ve seen my parents deal with an out of hand brother who still lives with them but is more stable now.
My son told me the other day, pot isn’t bad, ADD medications are. His self medication has led to mood swings, outbursts, huge stress in the house. I also apologized for kicking him out because of course I thought it would make things better but he said it can’t be fixed with an apology and then proceed to list how I’ve grounded him many times. I have to stop being reeled into blame games.
But I think last night was the first time I slept thru the night. And I’m finally almost fully concentrating at work. Maybe the thought that no matter what we say, he still needs to figure it out.. and we need to work on ourselves.. is calming me down.
Just got the SESH book and will be starting meditations.. It’s not feeling like we’re living thru one shitty event after another.
Thank you and the others for the encouragement…
Take care!
I’m glad you and your family are doing better.
Last time I saw my son, he reminded me that I forced him to start college when couple of his friends died of drug use.
After years of crazy stuff, I pushed my husband to help enroll him in a military program for at risk youth to finish high school and now help us make the call to give our son the ultimatum to follow rules or leave. I’ve seen my parents deal with an out of hand brother who still lives with them but is more stable now.
My son told me the other day, pot isn’t bad, ADD medications are. His self medication has led to mood swings, outbursts, huge stress in the house. I also apologized for kicking him out because of course I thought it would make things better but he said it can’t be fixed with an apology and then proceed to list how I’ve grounded him many times. I have to stop being reeled into blame games.
But I think last night was the first time I slept thru the night. And I’m finally almost fully concentrating at work. Maybe the thought that no matter what we say, he still needs to figure it out.. and we need to work on ourselves.. is calming me down.
Just got the SESH book and will be starting meditations.. It’s not feeling like we’re living thru one shitty event after another.
Thank you and the others for the encouragement…
Take care!
Heartbreaking isn't it to watch our kids self destruct? Hang in there! Keep the focus on you! Not your son, other kids, husband, friends etc. Trust that you are the key to achieving your own peace and healing. Continue educating yourself on co dependency and boundary setting. Get into therapy. I caution alanon, naranon and other twelve step programs. My personal experience was that the literature and forums were educational and helpful at first but that many chapters were cultlike, demanding I stop seeing my therapist to remain under the guidance of some sponsors and some used brainwashing techniques like repeating mantras and disallowing dissenting opinions about the 12 step efficacy. This was a huge red flag for me. My therapist, research and focus on myself has by far been the most helpful in leading me to understanding my contribution to the crazy co dependency dance. My therapisy had guided me to shift focus off of my addicted and mentally ill son back on to what really should matter most in everyone's life - themselves. I see in many of the self help forums mothers struggling to let go of their children. We are co dependents by our empathic and emotional thinking nature. We must understand our own compulsions to control and reduce our own anxiety by intervening in our kids lives. We must turn from emotional thinking to logic and reason. Accept the truth that faces us with courage. Avoid seeking comfort in well meaning do gooders that keep us stuck in self pity. Revel in the advice of those who make us face our truth. Like a bird, kids must learn to fly and take flight on their own. No more approving of family members to take them in or enabling them. That just delays our children's growth. Best you nip that in the bud in my humble opinion or be prepared for years of the "rinse and repeat" cycle. Educate your family. Help them to be better leaders themselves. I wish you strength, conviction and peace.
Hi @Nandina
Yes I struggle to see that we’ve made the right decision with the ultimatum. he had been partying for some time, coming home to shower, get food, pretend he’s ok.
Now, i still worry about him living with friends or girlfriend. Skateboarding as transportation.
I know he needs to agree to change if he is to come back home.
It is a torture of sorts waiting for your children to see the truth..
I am working on my mental health.
Thanks.
Thanks @Nomore
The Naranon grp I visited seem alright and their book appears to be helpful. Therapy is a possibility I am considering. I am working on getting myself in a better state of mind..
Yes family and friends don't understand the situation.
Thanks for the tips.
Oh I know the fact that they medicate with weed...........omg! A couple years ago my son was prescribed anxiety medication and it was actually working........he stopped using it and said weed was his medicine. It is so difficult to deal with. Weed is not legal in our state so that is a whole other thing. I really think it is so important to push all the responsibility on him. I take responsibility for my son's (and everyone's for that matter) feelings and emotions. It is very exhausting. I have done it my whole life. It is very hard not to take it. Now I realize I can give it to my higher power. I can release the burden. There is nothing I can do to control them. I am so happy you slept better. It feels really good to focus on our own peace and serenity.
Yes them owning their responsibility is key but if they’re 19 going on 20yr, they’re still kids. But yes that’s not an excuse.
I still go back to sleepless nights and waves of depression. The naranon material provides some insight. Still haven’t really mediated.
Just need to stop thinking he’ll come back bc I said something profound.
“Working on me” is my new MO.. if only I can believe it..just do it right?
Thanks Lori
I still go back to sleepless nights and waves of depression. The naranon material provides some insight. Still haven’t really mediated.
Just need to stop thinking he’ll come back bc I said something profound.
“Working on me” is my new MO.. if only I can believe it..just do it right?
Thanks Lori
I guess I recently started an argument with my husband when I told my son we’re packing stuff from his room. Why did I bring it up.. bc I’m tired of being in limbo.. it’s almost 2 mo since he left. I guess packing his stuff almost is a sign that you’re accepting this as the new norm. Is there a right time..
Thanks Lori and all.
Thanks Lori and all.
Gna, we just packed up my 21 year old son’s belongings and in fact, threw away many things because I no longer want to be a repository for his belongings when he has no desire to live a life where he will be able to manage them on his own. We donated his clothes and worthwhile belongings to Goodwill.
This is after he has been out of the home for 3 years, failed three residential drug treatment programs, lived on the streets, been in jail and is now living with his screwed up birth family in another state. He will never live in our home again. We too, put up with punched holes in walls and doors, items being broken and thrown and my husband having to patch and re-patch walls more times than I care to count (son had to help patch them when he lived here).
One thing we did right after he left was to completely re-do his bedroom (after AGAIN patching walls and replacing doors) and made it into a guest bedroom. It helped signify to me that my son wouldn’t be living here ever again. It brought me peace and I love that room now. At that time we had boxed up his belongings, assuming that someday he would have a place of his own but after 3 years, I don’t see that happening and we’re tired of holding onto his stuff.
None of the stuff is really that important anyway. I sent him his birth certificate and important papers. He has been homeless so many times and had his belongings stolen or left them somewhere in a drunken or stoned haze. If he were in charge of the items we were holding for him, they would have the same fate, I believe.
I’m with you—Pack it up! You don’t have to get rid of it yet, but if he will no longer be allowed to live in your home, what is the point of keeping it around? At least this way, it will be already boxed up for him if he gets a place of his own someday.
It helped me a lot to make that hard decision, Wishing you peace in whatever you decide.
This is after he has been out of the home for 3 years, failed three residential drug treatment programs, lived on the streets, been in jail and is now living with his screwed up birth family in another state. He will never live in our home again. We too, put up with punched holes in walls and doors, items being broken and thrown and my husband having to patch and re-patch walls more times than I care to count (son had to help patch them when he lived here).
One thing we did right after he left was to completely re-do his bedroom (after AGAIN patching walls and replacing doors) and made it into a guest bedroom. It helped signify to me that my son wouldn’t be living here ever again. It brought me peace and I love that room now. At that time we had boxed up his belongings, assuming that someday he would have a place of his own but after 3 years, I don’t see that happening and we’re tired of holding onto his stuff.
None of the stuff is really that important anyway. I sent him his birth certificate and important papers. He has been homeless so many times and had his belongings stolen or left them somewhere in a drunken or stoned haze. If he were in charge of the items we were holding for him, they would have the same fate, I believe.
I’m with you—Pack it up! You don’t have to get rid of it yet, but if he will no longer be allowed to live in your home, what is the point of keeping it around? At least this way, it will be already boxed up for him if he gets a place of his own someday.
It helped me a lot to make that hard decision, Wishing you peace in whatever you decide.
