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grieving my son
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<blockquote data-quote="ScentofCedar" data-source="post: 99270" data-attributes="member: 3353"><p>Stands?</p><p></p><p>The first time I said the words "You were raised better than this." to my son, he began to believe it, too.</p><p></p><p>There has been a change in our son over the past months. The change is for the better ~ but oddly enough, the change only began to happen when I STOPPED loving him in that permissive, all-inclusive, non-judgmental way.</p><p></p><p>So maybe ~ was it Roget whose theory was that with unconditional love, all things flower?</p><p></p><p>Maybe Roget was wrong, after all.</p><p></p><p>I wonder how much a permissive, forever loving mother enables an addicted child to continue following those paths to self destruction?</p><p></p><p>If your own mother does not apply a standard to your behavior, why would you ever believe it was wrong to do to yourself what you are doing?</p><p></p><p>So, maybe your current responses toward your son and his situation are exactly, precisely, the correct responses to make to a child who needs, for his own sake, to change his ways.</p><p></p><p>Maybe Stands, loving attention and approval that is not earned damages self-respect?</p><p></p><p>Especially when the child was raised to know better, and understands, on some level, that he is letting you down and therefore, does not merit your attention or kindness ~ ad certainly, has not earned your approval.</p><p></p><p>I'm thinking about my son now more than yours, actually.</p><p></p><p>But that seems to have been when the change occurred.</p><p></p><p>I swear you guys, difficult child was complaining about his air-conditioning bill a phone call or two ago.</p><p></p><p>I know that those of us familiar with the usual patterns of addicted kids will recognize that as indicative of a major, unbelievably successful turn toward the right direction.</p><p></p><p>So Stands, you ARE doing the right thing, I think.</p><p></p><p>It just FEELS wrong, because it is different.</p><p></p><p>Then too, I think we often feel we have broken something when our children are in trouble, and that we have to take responsibility and go through whatever the consequences are with them.</p><p></p><p>We want them to know they are so much better than what they got.</p><p></p><p>It's a very strange place for me to be perceiving from.</p><p></p><p>Because lately I can see a different truth so clearly.</p><p></p><p>Barbara</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="ScentofCedar, post: 99270, member: 3353"] Stands? The first time I said the words "You were raised better than this." to my son, he began to believe it, too. There has been a change in our son over the past months. The change is for the better ~ but oddly enough, the change only began to happen when I STOPPED loving him in that permissive, all-inclusive, non-judgmental way. So maybe ~ was it Roget whose theory was that with unconditional love, all things flower? Maybe Roget was wrong, after all. I wonder how much a permissive, forever loving mother enables an addicted child to continue following those paths to self destruction? If your own mother does not apply a standard to your behavior, why would you ever believe it was wrong to do to yourself what you are doing? So, maybe your current responses toward your son and his situation are exactly, precisely, the correct responses to make to a child who needs, for his own sake, to change his ways. Maybe Stands, loving attention and approval that is not earned damages self-respect? Especially when the child was raised to know better, and understands, on some level, that he is letting you down and therefore, does not merit your attention or kindness ~ ad certainly, has not earned your approval. I'm thinking about my son now more than yours, actually. But that seems to have been when the change occurred. I swear you guys, difficult child was complaining about his air-conditioning bill a phone call or two ago. I know that those of us familiar with the usual patterns of addicted kids will recognize that as indicative of a major, unbelievably successful turn toward the right direction. So Stands, you ARE doing the right thing, I think. It just FEELS wrong, because it is different. Then too, I think we often feel we have broken something when our children are in trouble, and that we have to take responsibility and go through whatever the consequences are with them. We want them to know they are so much better than what they got. It's a very strange place for me to be perceiving from. Because lately I can see a different truth so clearly. Barbara [/QUOTE]
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