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<blockquote data-quote="Star*" data-source="post: 414268" data-attributes="member: 4964"><p>I will share a small bit of advice an excellent $250 an hr. therapist shared with us during couples therapy - and I mean excellent, regarding parental guilt. </p><p> </p><p>Should is a word you should remove from your vocabulary. With regards to guilt over what you 'should' have done in raising your children think of it like this and see if should still fits, then ask yourself if you can claim guilt still. </p><p> </p><p>a.) When I was raising my daughter I made my parenting decisions based on the absolute worst choices I could possibly make at the time so she would fail. </p><p> </p><p>b.) When I was raising my daughter I made my parenting decisions based on the best choices I knew how to make at the time based on what I knew. </p><p> </p><p>If you chose statement a. then yes - you are a bad parent. Then the word 'should' applies to you and you 'should' feel guilt for your choices throughout your child's life and your are largely responsible for poor parenting which may or may not have led to your child growing up to make poor choices in his or her life. Keep in mind we all are responsible for making our own choices as we grow older. </p><p> </p><p>If you chose statement b. then wow, you made the best choices you could at the time, based on what you knew at that time, and did not purposely make poor choices for your child. You did what you did because you thought it was a good thing. Granted as you grew older, you learned there were better choices, and learned from your mistakes and possibly repeated them, even with raising your children. It doesn't mean you were a bad parent, it just means you were human. However continuing to say "I should have XX with my child" is futile - you can't fix anything you did years ago, you did what you did back then because you though it was the right thing to do, not the wrong thing to do, and you moved on from there, and gave your child the ability to grow up - and make choices of their own - which again - as they grow up - are theirs to make. </p><p> </p><p>You do what you do when you do it because you think it's the right thing to do; or I SHOULD do this - - not because you think it's the wrong thing to do. Or I should NOT do that. You <strong>do</strong> know the difference - </p><p> </p><p> Otherwise everytime you left the house - you'd run smack into cars, up trees, into mail boxes - over curbs. You'd buy pants that were 3 times too large, or 4 times too small, you'd buy six meals at the Burger King window instead of one happy meal, you'd pay for everyones groceries in the supermarket - and get cigarettes when you don't smoke - you'd shave your head, buy mens shoes, get a jock strap and wear it for a hat to work - and walk in and quit your job - I mean think about it - those are all things you think - WOW I<strong><u> should</u></strong> NOT do - and every day you don't - right? But every day you did the things that you THOUGHT were the RIGHT thing to do with your daughter - and DID those. </p><p> </p><p>It's a little bit of a stretch - but if you truly DID WRONG things and WRONG choices for your child? Sit and imagine just WHAT she would be like now? Imagine her.......WITHOUT the help that you DID give ------now THAT to me is the nightmare. </p><p> </p><p>Once this therapist sat and asked and told my family that he couldn't even begin to think of my child without the actual help that I DID give my son? Nor would he want to even IMAGINE what he would be like without our intervention - it sent shivers down his spine literally - it made all my guilt disappear - so try to imagine that. Imagine a world in where all the help you have given your daughters for naught. Then ask yourselves - NOW - How bad of a Mother was I really? -----Pales in comarison doesn't it? </p><p> </p><p>You've done a good job. You know that. You really don't need me, or anyone else to tell you that - but I thought it may help to be put into perspective like this. </p><p> </p><p>by the way if it's any help? Our therapist is the prison therapist to the prisioners who are housed within the prisons here in SC. - I didn't know that for a long time. Try having a man that treats those kinds of people tell you he wouldn't want to know your son at 12 years old without your (what I thought was 'little bit') of help. Puts quiet a new light on what we really have done as Mothers for our children - even if it does seem like we want a do-over - the end result and choices they have <em><u><strong>ARE </strong></u></em>theirs. No shame or guilt in that whatsoever. Fear for their futures - sure, but no guilt. </p><p> </p><p>Hugs & Love - </p><p>Star</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Star*, post: 414268, member: 4964"] I will share a small bit of advice an excellent $250 an hr. therapist shared with us during couples therapy - and I mean excellent, regarding parental guilt. Should is a word you should remove from your vocabulary. With regards to guilt over what you 'should' have done in raising your children think of it like this and see if should still fits, then ask yourself if you can claim guilt still. a.) When I was raising my daughter I made my parenting decisions based on the absolute worst choices I could possibly make at the time so she would fail. b.) When I was raising my daughter I made my parenting decisions based on the best choices I knew how to make at the time based on what I knew. If you chose statement a. then yes - you are a bad parent. Then the word 'should' applies to you and you 'should' feel guilt for your choices throughout your child's life and your are largely responsible for poor parenting which may or may not have led to your child growing up to make poor choices in his or her life. Keep in mind we all are responsible for making our own choices as we grow older. If you chose statement b. then wow, you made the best choices you could at the time, based on what you knew at that time, and did not purposely make poor choices for your child. You did what you did because you thought it was a good thing. Granted as you grew older, you learned there were better choices, and learned from your mistakes and possibly repeated them, even with raising your children. It doesn't mean you were a bad parent, it just means you were human. However continuing to say "I should have XX with my child" is futile - you can't fix anything you did years ago, you did what you did back then because you though it was the right thing to do, not the wrong thing to do, and you moved on from there, and gave your child the ability to grow up - and make choices of their own - which again - as they grow up - are theirs to make. You do what you do when you do it because you think it's the right thing to do; or I SHOULD do this - - not because you think it's the wrong thing to do. Or I should NOT do that. You [B]do[/B] know the difference - Otherwise everytime you left the house - you'd run smack into cars, up trees, into mail boxes - over curbs. You'd buy pants that were 3 times too large, or 4 times too small, you'd buy six meals at the Burger King window instead of one happy meal, you'd pay for everyones groceries in the supermarket - and get cigarettes when you don't smoke - you'd shave your head, buy mens shoes, get a jock strap and wear it for a hat to work - and walk in and quit your job - I mean think about it - those are all things you think - WOW I[B][U] should[/U][/B] NOT do - and every day you don't - right? But every day you did the things that you THOUGHT were the RIGHT thing to do with your daughter - and DID those. It's a little bit of a stretch - but if you truly DID WRONG things and WRONG choices for your child? Sit and imagine just WHAT she would be like now? Imagine her.......WITHOUT the help that you DID give ------now THAT to me is the nightmare. Once this therapist sat and asked and told my family that he couldn't even begin to think of my child without the actual help that I DID give my son? Nor would he want to even IMAGINE what he would be like without our intervention - it sent shivers down his spine literally - it made all my guilt disappear - so try to imagine that. Imagine a world in where all the help you have given your daughters for naught. Then ask yourselves - NOW - How bad of a Mother was I really? -----Pales in comarison doesn't it? You've done a good job. You know that. You really don't need me, or anyone else to tell you that - but I thought it may help to be put into perspective like this. by the way if it's any help? Our therapist is the prison therapist to the prisioners who are housed within the prisons here in SC. - I didn't know that for a long time. Try having a man that treats those kinds of people tell you he wouldn't want to know your son at 12 years old without your (what I thought was 'little bit') of help. Puts quiet a new light on what we really have done as Mothers for our children - even if it does seem like we want a do-over - the end result and choices they have [I][U][B]ARE [/B][/U][/I]theirs. No shame or guilt in that whatsoever. Fear for their futures - sure, but no guilt. Hugs & Love - Star [/QUOTE]
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