Forums
New posts
Search forums
What's new
New posts
New profile posts
Latest activity
Internet Search
Members
Current visitors
New profile posts
Search profile posts
Log in
Register
What's new
Search
Search
Search titles only
By:
New posts
Search forums
Menu
Log in
Register
Install the app
Install
Forums
Parent Support Forums
Parent Emeritus
Guilt
JavaScript is disabled. For a better experience, please enable JavaScript in your browser before proceeding.
You are using an out of date browser. It may not display this or other websites correctly.
You should upgrade or use an
alternative browser
.
Reply to thread
Message
<blockquote data-quote="Hound dog" data-source="post: 414270" data-attributes="member: 84"><p>Someone else had brought this up not too long ago. Then the other night I found myself in the odd position of having this conversation with my own mom. </p><p></p><p>My mom has recently decided that I'm the "perfect" mother. <img src="/community/styles/default/xenforo/smilies/Graemlins/rofl.gif" class="smilie" loading="lazy" alt=":rofl:" title="rofl :rofl:" data-shortname=":rofl:" /> <img src="/community/styles/default/xenforo/smilies/Graemlins/rofl.gif" class="smilie" loading="lazy" alt=":rofl:" title="rofl :rofl:" data-shortname=":rofl:" /> You'd have to understand our relationship to get the irony of that. </p><p></p><p>My mom is schizophrenic, functions pretty well much of the time, it's all the rest of the times that were hades on earth for us kids. But at this point in life......I see her mental illness as only complicating things rather than causing a lot of it. She had her kids in the 50's and 60's. By the time she was preggers with me she was divorcing my bio dad. So poof she was a single mom of 5 in a time when that was mostly unheard of and there were no support systems at all in place. Four out of those 5 kids were difficult children.......and the one that wasn't has enough issues to keep her on the boarderline. Mom suffers from paranoia........which means what other people think of her can literally drive her over the edge. So she was determined to have the perfect family......especially since she was a single parent. The house rules were overbearing, the punishments for breaking them severe.....and trust me there was no issue with consistancy. She didn't believe in grounding. </p><p></p><p>Now with all that you've got to add in the time period. The 70's were the "all about me" time. So while she worked her fanny off supporting 5 kids on min wage......she also dated constantly, married several times........divorced several times........we were all about drama to the nth degree. Add in religious fanaticism for flavor........</p><p></p><p>My 2 bros and eldest sis are messed up, with good reason. Some is genetics, mental illness is a tad rampant in our family on the maternal side. But the bulk is evironmental. My neices and nephews by those 3 are even more messed up.....and I shudder when I think of my great neices and nephews. Sort of perpetuates itself. The sis that has always been on the boarder.......is not so bad. She has issues "feeling" anything for another person.......but at least she did her best to fake it big time with her kids.......and they do have issues but haven't turned out half bad. </p><p></p><p>Me? I was saved by my grandmother. Since I was the unwanted child......I was my mom's target child for abuse. Grandma stepped in and I spent the vast majority of my childhood with her. By that time she had raising difficult children down to an art form (she had 5 of her own out of 7 kids) and I turned out pretty ok.</p><p></p><p>So the other night my Mom out of the blue asks what did she do that was so terribly wrong? She wasn't looking for sympathy. She really needed to understand. We'd been talking about the 3 difficult child kids and their kids.........and well she just sort of slipped it in there on me. She was crying.</p><p></p><p>Now there was a point in my life where I truly hated my mother with good reason. With the help of a good therapist and the love/wisdom/guidance of my grandma growing up.....I healed from that. But it's only been the last several years we've been developing a very close loving relationship. And over the years I've learned to view my mother as a person, not just my mother.</p><p></p><p>In those days, she believed she was doing the right things. She worked her fanny off to keep food on the table and pay the bills. She had rules and kept them enforced.....she was so strict because she knew she couldn't always be there....and the whole mom/dad role of single parenting was fairly new. She took us to church and did her best to reinforce that at home.</p><p></p><p>Unfortunately what she saw as strict punishment was severe abuse.....and if it was a bad time for the schizo part to kick in it really went off the deep end. The religious fanaticism pretty much killed the religion part, think cult brainwashing techniques. The multitude of boyfriends, husbands, and divorces only made for an extremely unstable environment. And even the "all about me" part played a huge role as unless the religious fanaticism had a firm hold (it tended to waver with her mental stability) she'd be out having a grand time and we'd rarely see her. Which of course meant that she had little or not clue what 4 difficult children were up to unless the crud hit the fan in some way.</p><p></p><p>But even with all that? She didn't set out to destroy her kids. She parented as best she could with what she knew at that time. Hindsight is 20/20. It's easy to look back years later (when you're at a different point in life) and say oh I should've, would've, could've and beat yourself up. Over about the past 15 years I've watched my Mom attempt to make up for some of the mistakes she made in the past. Usually in the wrong way.....but again it's what you know at the time. The past like 2 or so, she's been working much harder at making the right choices, and yes she still makes mistakes. </p><p></p><p>And honestly? My parenting style is totally different from hers. But while that is the case......much of the reason for that is due to the fact that I saw where her techniques went wrong and I learned from it. So it's not really fair for her to compare my parenting with hers......or even the results of that parenting. And for that matter I didn't have my own mental illness mucking up the waters even more. I've done a lot of educating her over the years too.</p><p></p><p>The point is she tried her best. Ok, so it didn't turn out so hot. No one is perfect. The point is that she tried. And as she learned and grew as a person........she continued to try her best. She still does. </p><p></p><p>I am in no way the perfect parent. And I have to laugh every time she says it. I've made so many many mistakes along the way. No one is perfect. I learned from my mistakes and sought out new knowledge and help. Which is all anyone can do. As for my difficult children........honestly? They did most of the work themselves. If they didn't want to do well, I could work myself into the grave and it would make no difference. We have to remember to place responsibility where it belongs, most especially once our children become adults. </p><p></p><p>I grew up in an extremely abusive/neglectful environment. I wouldn't wish it on any child. Yet as an adult I chose not to live that way. And even though I was a difficult child.......I worked hard not to repeat that life with my own kids. That part my mother, my grandmother, and all the people I used as examples had nothing to do with. That part rested solely on my shoulders.</p><p></p><p>((hugs))</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Hound dog, post: 414270, member: 84"] Someone else had brought this up not too long ago. Then the other night I found myself in the odd position of having this conversation with my own mom. My mom has recently decided that I'm the "perfect" mother. :rofl: :rofl: You'd have to understand our relationship to get the irony of that. My mom is schizophrenic, functions pretty well much of the time, it's all the rest of the times that were hades on earth for us kids. But at this point in life......I see her mental illness as only complicating things rather than causing a lot of it. She had her kids in the 50's and 60's. By the time she was preggers with me she was divorcing my bio dad. So poof she was a single mom of 5 in a time when that was mostly unheard of and there were no support systems at all in place. Four out of those 5 kids were difficult children.......and the one that wasn't has enough issues to keep her on the boarderline. Mom suffers from paranoia........which means what other people think of her can literally drive her over the edge. So she was determined to have the perfect family......especially since she was a single parent. The house rules were overbearing, the punishments for breaking them severe.....and trust me there was no issue with consistancy. She didn't believe in grounding. Now with all that you've got to add in the time period. The 70's were the "all about me" time. So while she worked her fanny off supporting 5 kids on min wage......she also dated constantly, married several times........divorced several times........we were all about drama to the nth degree. Add in religious fanaticism for flavor........ My 2 bros and eldest sis are messed up, with good reason. Some is genetics, mental illness is a tad rampant in our family on the maternal side. But the bulk is evironmental. My neices and nephews by those 3 are even more messed up.....and I shudder when I think of my great neices and nephews. Sort of perpetuates itself. The sis that has always been on the boarder.......is not so bad. She has issues "feeling" anything for another person.......but at least she did her best to fake it big time with her kids.......and they do have issues but haven't turned out half bad. Me? I was saved by my grandmother. Since I was the unwanted child......I was my mom's target child for abuse. Grandma stepped in and I spent the vast majority of my childhood with her. By that time she had raising difficult children down to an art form (she had 5 of her own out of 7 kids) and I turned out pretty ok. So the other night my Mom out of the blue asks what did she do that was so terribly wrong? She wasn't looking for sympathy. She really needed to understand. We'd been talking about the 3 difficult child kids and their kids.........and well she just sort of slipped it in there on me. She was crying. Now there was a point in my life where I truly hated my mother with good reason. With the help of a good therapist and the love/wisdom/guidance of my grandma growing up.....I healed from that. But it's only been the last several years we've been developing a very close loving relationship. And over the years I've learned to view my mother as a person, not just my mother. In those days, she believed she was doing the right things. She worked her fanny off to keep food on the table and pay the bills. She had rules and kept them enforced.....she was so strict because she knew she couldn't always be there....and the whole mom/dad role of single parenting was fairly new. She took us to church and did her best to reinforce that at home. Unfortunately what she saw as strict punishment was severe abuse.....and if it was a bad time for the schizo part to kick in it really went off the deep end. The religious fanaticism pretty much killed the religion part, think cult brainwashing techniques. The multitude of boyfriends, husbands, and divorces only made for an extremely unstable environment. And even the "all about me" part played a huge role as unless the religious fanaticism had a firm hold (it tended to waver with her mental stability) she'd be out having a grand time and we'd rarely see her. Which of course meant that she had little or not clue what 4 difficult children were up to unless the crud hit the fan in some way. But even with all that? She didn't set out to destroy her kids. She parented as best she could with what she knew at that time. Hindsight is 20/20. It's easy to look back years later (when you're at a different point in life) and say oh I should've, would've, could've and beat yourself up. Over about the past 15 years I've watched my Mom attempt to make up for some of the mistakes she made in the past. Usually in the wrong way.....but again it's what you know at the time. The past like 2 or so, she's been working much harder at making the right choices, and yes she still makes mistakes. And honestly? My parenting style is totally different from hers. But while that is the case......much of the reason for that is due to the fact that I saw where her techniques went wrong and I learned from it. So it's not really fair for her to compare my parenting with hers......or even the results of that parenting. And for that matter I didn't have my own mental illness mucking up the waters even more. I've done a lot of educating her over the years too. The point is she tried her best. Ok, so it didn't turn out so hot. No one is perfect. The point is that she tried. And as she learned and grew as a person........she continued to try her best. She still does. I am in no way the perfect parent. And I have to laugh every time she says it. I've made so many many mistakes along the way. No one is perfect. I learned from my mistakes and sought out new knowledge and help. Which is all anyone can do. As for my difficult children........honestly? They did most of the work themselves. If they didn't want to do well, I could work myself into the grave and it would make no difference. We have to remember to place responsibility where it belongs, most especially once our children become adults. I grew up in an extremely abusive/neglectful environment. I wouldn't wish it on any child. Yet as an adult I chose not to live that way. And even though I was a difficult child.......I worked hard not to repeat that life with my own kids. That part my mother, my grandmother, and all the people I used as examples had nothing to do with. That part rested solely on my shoulders. ((hugs)) [/QUOTE]
Insert quotes…
Verification
Post reply
Forums
Parent Support Forums
Parent Emeritus
Guilt
Top