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<blockquote data-quote="HereWeGoAgain" data-source="post: 415356" data-attributes="member: 3485"><p>A couple of thoughts - </p><p> </p><p>First, some empirical evidence that even if you had done things differently, things may very well have turned out the same - in other words, your actions were not to blame. Our two oldest kids are about the closest thing you can get to a "controlled experiment" on outcomes. They lived with the same mother and father, went through the same abandonment by their dad, had the same stepfather (me). Their environment and upbringing was exactly the same - and yet their adulthood is totally different. difficult child is an addict, living with whoever she can get to lend her a bed for a night or two, doing who knows what for drug money and food; while easy child son is very successful in his career and has a solid marriage, expecting their first child soon (wife and I will get to have a grandson that we can truly be grandparents to, without having to be parents as well! Yay!). So you see, doing things differently wouldn't have changed the outcome - they are who they are, in spite of everything.</p><p> </p><p>Second, your guilt becomes a very effective tool in difficult child's hands, for manipulation. If she can get you to take blame for her, she excuses her self - then turn that into you enabling her further, trying to compensate.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="HereWeGoAgain, post: 415356, member: 3485"] A couple of thoughts - First, some empirical evidence that even if you had done things differently, things may very well have turned out the same - in other words, your actions were not to blame. Our two oldest kids are about the closest thing you can get to a "controlled experiment" on outcomes. They lived with the same mother and father, went through the same abandonment by their dad, had the same stepfather (me). Their environment and upbringing was exactly the same - and yet their adulthood is totally different. difficult child is an addict, living with whoever she can get to lend her a bed for a night or two, doing who knows what for drug money and food; while easy child son is very successful in his career and has a solid marriage, expecting their first child soon (wife and I will get to have a grandson that we can truly be grandparents to, without having to be parents as well! Yay!). So you see, doing things differently wouldn't have changed the outcome - they are who they are, in spite of everything. Second, your guilt becomes a very effective tool in difficult child's hands, for manipulation. If she can get you to take blame for her, she excuses her self - then turn that into you enabling her further, trying to compensate. [/QUOTE]
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