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had a GREAT time......then I came home...
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<blockquote data-quote="bran155" data-source="post: 220369"><p>Thank you my friends. I know I HAVE to detach!!!! I tell myself that a hundred times a day. I keep repeating "Let go" to myself. I know in my heart that there is nothing left I can do for her. I also know in my heart I have been a good mother to her, I truly have done everything in my power over the years to help her. I can totally understand why people become drug addicts, they just want to numb the pain. I can see how someone who suffers daily wants so badly not to feel. I want so badly not to feel. I sleep as much as possible as to not feel. I have these horrible visions of my poor baby girl in the ghetto being mistreated and used. She must look a mess and feel even worse than she looks. I picture her smoking Angel Dust completely out of her mind. I picture her dirty and selling herself to nasty strange men. I picture her crying on the inside. She just doesn't care about herself at all at this point. I think she has gone too far and feels as though it is just too late. So now she is liable to do anything. She never really truly loved herself, now I fear she absolutely hates herself. When you don't love yourself you self destruct. She is on the path to destruction and has been for quite some time now, only it has never been this bad. I have this horrible feeling she will soon be strung out on hard drugs. It is par for the course!!!! I want so much to go and find her, pick her up and hold her, love her and FIX her. And I know that I can't. As a mother that just hurts so deeply, it kills me. I am dead inside. I breath because my lungs still work. I wake up in the morning because my heart still beats. Other than that I fake it through the day for my son. All the while I am crumbling inside. My son was my gift from God, if he wasn't here I would have probably killed myself already. I just can't see a reason to live in this much pain. I don't live, I exist. I know I need to change that. I just don't know how!!!! I need to seek therapy for myself. I just haven't had the energy to do so. What a hypocrite, I want my daughter to get the help she needs, however I won't get the help I need. That is crazy, I know. Why??? </p><p></p><p>I can only hope that as time goes by this will get easier. </p><p></p><p>Thanks for all of the shoulders.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="bran155, post: 220369"] Thank you my friends. I know I HAVE to detach!!!! I tell myself that a hundred times a day. I keep repeating "Let go" to myself. I know in my heart that there is nothing left I can do for her. I also know in my heart I have been a good mother to her, I truly have done everything in my power over the years to help her. I can totally understand why people become drug addicts, they just want to numb the pain. I can see how someone who suffers daily wants so badly not to feel. I want so badly not to feel. I sleep as much as possible as to not feel. I have these horrible visions of my poor baby girl in the ghetto being mistreated and used. She must look a mess and feel even worse than she looks. I picture her smoking Angel Dust completely out of her mind. I picture her dirty and selling herself to nasty strange men. I picture her crying on the inside. She just doesn't care about herself at all at this point. I think she has gone too far and feels as though it is just too late. So now she is liable to do anything. She never really truly loved herself, now I fear she absolutely hates herself. When you don't love yourself you self destruct. She is on the path to destruction and has been for quite some time now, only it has never been this bad. I have this horrible feeling she will soon be strung out on hard drugs. It is par for the course!!!! I want so much to go and find her, pick her up and hold her, love her and FIX her. And I know that I can't. As a mother that just hurts so deeply, it kills me. I am dead inside. I breath because my lungs still work. I wake up in the morning because my heart still beats. Other than that I fake it through the day for my son. All the while I am crumbling inside. My son was my gift from God, if he wasn't here I would have probably killed myself already. I just can't see a reason to live in this much pain. I don't live, I exist. I know I need to change that. I just don't know how!!!! I need to seek therapy for myself. I just haven't had the energy to do so. What a hypocrite, I want my daughter to get the help she needs, however I won't get the help I need. That is crazy, I know. Why??? I can only hope that as time goes by this will get easier. Thanks for all of the shoulders. [/QUOTE]
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