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Hard and calloused?
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<blockquote data-quote="Andy" data-source="post: 174679" data-attributes="member: 5096"><p>You are not calloused. You are learning to detach - to not let your difficult child control your emotions. Our kids are so good at making us concentrate on our own emotion at the moment (anger, hopelessness, guilt). We need to work past those emotions to reach them. We have to handle tantrums and behaviors in a business like behavior. This is the rule, you need to stop what you are doing. You are safe. You also need to know how your difficult child operates and learn what space is needed and what techniques work best.</p><p> </p><p>You did a great job in addressing the need for difficult child to regain control. Just knowing that you were nearby was helpful but if you had said anything, it would have been overwhelming, just one more thing to process. That is why complete silence was needed for the cool down period. Good for you for picking up on that. Sometimes we try too hard to rescue our kids from their emotions when the best thing is for them to figure it out and gain control on their own.</p><p> </p><p>After these situations, have you ever talked to your difficult child about what happened? Can he recognize when his stress level starts? "When you start to get mad, come tell me."</p><p>Is he working with a psychiatrist or therapist who can help him with coping skills? Once you learn what his coping skills are, write them down and keep reminding him of them when his anxiety starts. My difficult child is 11 yrs old and I still sometimes have to direct him to his skils, "Mom, I feel weird" (his sign of anxiety building), "O.K. What are you suppose to do?" For a 6 year old I would actually tell him what he needs to do, "Remember, doctor said to ..........."</p><p> </p><p>You may have to concentrate more on difficult child's emotions - check in on him more often and if you sense stress building, have a plan to redirect him to a different activity. "difficult child, we need to let brother play alone with his legos - he wants some quiet time. Can you play with ............... or help me with ............ (away from brother)." or "difficult child, let's go find a snack" (Let the other kids know this is your signal to get difficult child away from them - otherwise they may just want to come in also) then after the snack find another activity away from the sibling. (You can take a snack out to siblings while difficult child is eating inside.)</p><p> </p><p>Just ideas to get you through until your next visit with doctor. Remember to journal every situation and take to doctor visit (I find I can often forget some details that are important for the doctor to know). I have also written up a document explaining a serious situation. I put difficult child's entire name and date of birth and date of the incident on the top so it can be filed in difficult child's chart. Write this as a progress note. Leave out any personal info about anyone else involved. Like you do in this forum, refer to other's as abbreviations. On the bottom of the form, you can include your concerns and questions.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Andy, post: 174679, member: 5096"] You are not calloused. You are learning to detach - to not let your difficult child control your emotions. Our kids are so good at making us concentrate on our own emotion at the moment (anger, hopelessness, guilt). We need to work past those emotions to reach them. We have to handle tantrums and behaviors in a business like behavior. This is the rule, you need to stop what you are doing. You are safe. You also need to know how your difficult child operates and learn what space is needed and what techniques work best. You did a great job in addressing the need for difficult child to regain control. Just knowing that you were nearby was helpful but if you had said anything, it would have been overwhelming, just one more thing to process. That is why complete silence was needed for the cool down period. Good for you for picking up on that. Sometimes we try too hard to rescue our kids from their emotions when the best thing is for them to figure it out and gain control on their own. After these situations, have you ever talked to your difficult child about what happened? Can he recognize when his stress level starts? "When you start to get mad, come tell me." Is he working with a psychiatrist or therapist who can help him with coping skills? Once you learn what his coping skills are, write them down and keep reminding him of them when his anxiety starts. My difficult child is 11 yrs old and I still sometimes have to direct him to his skils, "Mom, I feel weird" (his sign of anxiety building), "O.K. What are you suppose to do?" For a 6 year old I would actually tell him what he needs to do, "Remember, doctor said to ..........." You may have to concentrate more on difficult child's emotions - check in on him more often and if you sense stress building, have a plan to redirect him to a different activity. "difficult child, we need to let brother play alone with his legos - he wants some quiet time. Can you play with ............... or help me with ............ (away from brother)." or "difficult child, let's go find a snack" (Let the other kids know this is your signal to get difficult child away from them - otherwise they may just want to come in also) then after the snack find another activity away from the sibling. (You can take a snack out to siblings while difficult child is eating inside.) Just ideas to get you through until your next visit with doctor. Remember to journal every situation and take to doctor visit (I find I can often forget some details that are important for the doctor to know). I have also written up a document explaining a serious situation. I put difficult child's entire name and date of birth and date of the incident on the top so it can be filed in difficult child's chart. Write this as a progress note. Leave out any personal info about anyone else involved. Like you do in this forum, refer to other's as abbreviations. On the bottom of the form, you can include your concerns and questions. [/QUOTE]
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